Shero Cafe Podcast

011 - #Debbie - Attachment Styles - 4of5 - Fearful Avoidant

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What if your deepest yearning for connection is also your greatest fear? Join Debbie as she shares how to unravel the complex and often misunderstood world of fearful avoidant attachment. Through personal stories and expert insights, we'll unearth the push-pull dynamic that leaves individuals caught between a desire for closeness and an instinct to retreat. We delve into the roots of this attachment style—highlighting how inconsistent caregiving, traumatic relationships, and emotional neglect can sow seeds of mistrust and fear of intimacy in adult relationships.

Discover the path to healing and vulnerability in the second half of our episode. We'll explore how embracing emotional wounds with self-awareness, self-compassion, and courage can lead to more meaningful connections and a sense of fulfillment. Learn practical strategies for building trust, maintaining healthy boundaries, and meeting your emotional needs from within. Don't miss our introduction to the fearful avoidant (FA) assessment style in the Self-Discovery Lab, designed to help you understand your attachment style and embark on a journey of personal growth and healthier relationships.

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Speaker 1:

Good morning everybody. So today we are on our fourth of five videos in the attachment style series. So video number one is the overall view of all four of the attachment styles. Video number two is about the anxious, preoccupied. Video number three is about the dismissive avoidance and today's video is about the fearful avoidance.

Speaker 1:

So the fearful avoidance attachment style often manifests itself as this push-pull dynamic With one moment there's a yearning for closeness and connection. With one moment there's a yearning for closeness and connection and then in the next second fear creeps in and there's this instinctive need to push away, retreating into the safety of solitude. So this constant oscillation between the desire for emotional closeness and then the need for independence creates a whirlwind of emotion for both the fearful avoidant and for their partner. So being in a relationship with a fearful avoidant can be quite challenging as both of you are trying to find balance and understanding of what's going on as things happen. So fearful avoidance, paramount challenge is to manage this push-pull or this tug-of-war dynamic and it is a delicate balance between that deceit need or yearning for intimacy and then the intense fear of getting too close. No-transcript. So let's all go into the mind of the fearful avoidant for just a moment. Imagine you're in your sanctuary and then all of a sudden, you realize that there's another one there with you, someone that's seeking to connect with you on a deeper level. But you don't trust them and you're on guard. And every attempt of this other person to connect with you is that, with your countermeasure against them, to safeguard what you believe means protecting, and that is your heart. So you want to connect, but your past memories of betrayals or heartaches push you into protecting yourself at all lengths. So your sanctuary, what was once your sanctuary, has now turned into this battlefield.

Speaker 1:

So I remember, many years ago, dating someone who apparently had this issue, and I remember reading an article called distance or for sewer, and so at first we were able to get close, but then maybe I wanted to be a little closer, so he stepped back. That was terrifying for me, like don't go that far away, are you leaving me? So I stepped a little closer. He stepped even further back. That hurt my feelings so bad I got angry and took a couple steps away from him, but apparently that was too much. So he stepped a little bit closer toward me, which confused me, but I wanted it. So I stepped closer to him and he backed up again and it was just this constant who's. It had to have a certain distance and if that distance got a little bit too much or too close, he pushed way back and it was the most uncomfortable relationship I had been in because I had no idea what was going on. But for him, he didn't really want it that way, but it was that way. And so most fearful avoidance wonder how did he it get this way?

Speaker 1:

So the journey into a fearful avoidance is often paved with a history of relational trauma. As I talked about neglect, they may have experienced inconsistent caregiving, traumatic relationships or emotional neglect. So let's look at each of these separately to get an understanding of what that may mean for them. So instance inconsistent caregiving is where the primary caregiver typically a parent, but not always oscillates between this warmth and availability to kind of a coldness and neglect, and it leaves the child in a state of confusion about the reliability of affection. I have somebody coming in hold on a second because I'm trying to find how to get them in here. There's no, okay. So on the one hand, warmth and availability, on the other hand, coldness and stress, leaving the child in a state of confusion about the reliability of the affection and support People are coming in now. So hand tight you guys. All right. So hi everybody.

Speaker 1:

So that was the first one, the inconsistent caregiving. And the second one oh so let me give you a little example. Let's say you have a mom, that the caregiver sorry, the fearful avoidant has a mom or caregiver. That is consistent with breakfast, lunch, supper, they're feeding them and everything. But then mom's like eating this box of cookies and you go over to get a cookie And's like no, these are mine, go get your own. Which sounds crazy, but I've actually had people behave this way toward their child, which is very clear to me that they grew up in a household where the child literally has felt that they need to figure everything out on their own. Very, very painful move. It feels very confusing to the child literally has felt that they need to figure everything out on their own. It can be very, very painful and it feels very confusing to the child, right.

Speaker 1:

The second one may be the traumatic relationship. Now, these often come from the experiences of betrayal, abuse or profound loss in close relationships and that can cement the belief that if I love, I risk unbearable pain and it's just too uncomfortable. So some examples of that may be you may hear my dog in the background Today she decides to play with a toy. You may feel as if you were tricked or manipulated too often by someone you love. Maybe someone says I'll be there at five and they never show up. Or you may have been emotionally abused or physically abused and didn't understand how can you love me but also hurt me so bad. Or maybe you thought you could rely on someone but when you needed them the most they left you. And this could be a friendship, a divorce, even a death. But it doesn't necessarily make sense. Just you know they were there, but when you needed them they weren't there.

Speaker 1:

And the third one is emotional neglect. Growing up in an environment where the emotional needs were ignored or even penalized in some way, teaching a child that their feelings are more a source of problems and pain as opposed to a past connection. So examples of that would be the caregiver showing upset. Caregiver of course means potentially parent, but showing upset if the child asks for something emotional like hugs or attention, affection, a complimentary word. Maybe the caregiver is too busy to give the child any kind of emotional connection. They're just desperately trying to make ends meet, or maybe they literally don't know how, and so, unfortunately, this leads the child laughing, wanting and feeling intense emotional pain because their emotional needs are not in. And it's actually bad, doesn't it? I mean, it just sounds really, really harsh and like there's no hope. But that's just not true.

Speaker 1:

Humans are amazingly resilient, but they need the right information and skills, and when you have the right information and skills, you can absolutely shift away from the FA or fearful avoidance tendencies and move toward a more secure attachment style. But like anything that matters, it takes some work, and all emotional upsets and issues are going to take three things. Three things we already know about is learning the right information. We may not know what that right information is just yet, but in everything we do in life we learn the right information. We practice it until it becomes a part of who you are, and then you progress with each time that you're able to practice it, incrementally and step by step. I like to remind my clients that it took you decades to get where you are, so you're going to have to give yourself a minute to start experiencing the changes of unraveling, but if you desire to shift toward a more emotionally healthy and less threatening relationship. There is a path, so let's talk about that. So let's say that you are a fearful group and you're tired of the loneliness, you're tired of seeing so much of what other people do as betrayal and you're looking to have a healthier relationship.

Speaker 1:

The first, really important step is to acknowledge your ambivalence that you feel towards intimacy. I know I just said the I word and that's always the most terrifying word, but bear with me for a moment. It may not be quite as bad as you think it is. So you may have heard yourself saying things like I don't need all that emotional stuff. What's the point of getting too attached? It's just not necessary. Or maybe why do people feel the need to get so close? I mean, why can't we just have a more casual relationship? What's wrong with that? I mean, why can't we just have a more casual relationship? What's wrong with that?

Speaker 1:

This ambivalence toward intimacy often serves as a protective mechanism. So step one is acknowledging to yourself about the ambivalence that you feel toward intimacy, and once you do that, you say I do have that. You can decide if you want to go to the next step, which, of course, is challenging but very doable to start understanding what in the world is going on with that. So when we can understand those fears, recognize the fears of intimacy and abandonment. These stem from past past experiences, things that happened because of the people that were in your life, and that's that in and of itself is not the fundamental nature of relationship. The prior experiences have left deep impact but again, with the proper knowledge and tools, you can learn to manage these feelings more effectively and begin to unravel and let them go, making them less overwhelming than they are. So this is again a learn, practice, progress scenario where you get better at skills as you practice them.

Speaker 1:

I've had many people experience the emotional pain, what they call like a gaping wound and it's like it heals down. Call like a gaping wound and like it feels down to like a scar right. So it's like, over time, the pain goes from like this 910 and heals over time and now it's like a tooth break. It's like I don't know that the pain ever 100% goes away maybe for some people, but I do know that it goes down to where it's like it's there but it's not driving you, it's not controlling your evidence move.

Speaker 1:

And then the third thing is embracing the B word, which is vulnerability, which may not be as scary as it sounds, when, in the past, you just made yourself available but didn't have any skills around it when the vulnerability happened, it was overwhelming because there was no frame of reference from which to go. But if it's, if, if you learn the skills around that at a pace that is comfortable to you and taught in a manner that doesn't feel like it's trying to take something away from you or that it's trying to make you do anything before you're ready, then there's more of a comfort around that information. And what you might not realize not yet is that once you do begin to experience your emotions, what they mean vulnerability that comes with that as more of a bridge to a deeper, more meaningful connection then there can be this profound sense of really liberation and fulfillment, which helps you to foster a newfound sense of intimacy and trust, and it's something that you may, if you dig deep, realize oh, I've been wanting that all along. I just put on my armor to keep it at bay and convince myself that I don't need or want it, so I don't have to feel that pain. But it is absolutely a human desire to want to connect. So there is change that needs to happen to want to connect. So there is change that needs to happen. So change for a fearful avoidance involves both internal and external work and it requires fostering your own sense of self-awareness, which there's a lot that you are already connected with and would feel really good to have it reinforced. Self-compassion, which you probably do, but maybe not to the extent that you could, or uh, I don't want to say should, but maybe should, because it was just it's so wonderful for you. And then the courage to face and process these past emotional pains, which I know is the most challenging one.

Speaker 1:

Externally, it calls for gradually building trust in, I want to say, your choice of relationship through consistent and open communication and setting healthy boundaries. So the boundaries that are set are, yes, for other people, but also to protect yourself, but with windows and doorways to allow certain people to come in a little bit more. And a little bit more, because you're not going to want to have a relationship with everybody, but you are going to want to have a relationship with certain people. So certain skills are required in order to be able to do that. So, as I alluded to before, we learned something new I'm sorry as I alluded to before we learn something new, I'm sorry, as I alluded to, before we learn something new, we practice it and we progress or get better at it.

Speaker 1:

And whether it's a new game or app on our phone, a new position or a new career choice, there's information that we need to learn in order to perform or do that well. And it's the same with your awareness of what's going on internally and externally, and I guess you can't know what you don't know right. So it's a matter of learning the right information. But once you do know what's going on, that there's a different way, a better way, and that you are in control, you get to make the choices of whether you're going to continue down the path you're on or whether you're going to desire to choose differently. It's literally all your choice Every step of the way. It is your choice if you're going to continue that same pattern or if you want to try a little something different and see how it goes.

Speaker 1:

Just so you're clear everybody, whether we're a anxious, preoccupied, the sense of avoidant, a fearful avoidant or even experience catching style, we're all responsible for our own feelings and needs. It's never anyone else's responsibility, even though it probably feels that way. I know it did for me, like my parents gave me everything that was all the physical stuff, all this knowledge and how to ride a bike and how to get dressed and do a checkbook, whatever, and those days. But they didn't give me the emotional, emotional support and connection that I needed, and so it felt like I go out in the world and I need to get that from my parents. Right, they gave me all this other stuff. They should give you that too. It doesn't work that way, but I have learned by learning new information, practicing and progressing, as have hundreds of others. We really can learn how to take care of ourselves in a way that just feels right. And when other people do give us those things, it's like icing on the cake. We don't depend on the other. We depend on ourselves and allow from the other. That's what makes it so beautiful. So what we lacked in childhood, we're often waiting for another to give us, but it really is not their job. It's our job to discover exactly what's missing from our lives and to learn the skills that we need in order to be able to meet our own needs. So, again, totally possible In the Self-Discovery Lab is a fearful avoidance assessment.

Speaker 1:

Fearful avoidance assessment for you to take. If you're interested, so I'd love to hear you share your score with me. Tag me so that I know you did. If that feels too vulnerable, because it may to share that in the community, then please feel free to connect with me. You know DM me. But this concludes the fourth video of the five video series. The next and final video will be on the secure attachment style which I'll strive for right A foundation of trust in our relationship, emotional security within ourselves and mutual support that allows us to have authentic connection and growth in our relationship. So thank you for being here with me today. I look forward to seeing you in the Discovery Lab and, as always, I'm Debbie Pearson helping you become more awesome on the inside. See you next video.

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