Shero Cafe Podcast

016 - #Debbie - How Your Values Shape & Inform You

• Deborah Edwards and Debbie Pearson

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Discovering my North Star wasn't just a journey; it was a revolution within. As I grappled with life's purpose in my late fifties, amidst what seemed like the pinnacle of success, the revelation that my core values were my true compass was life-altering. This episode is an intimate confessional, an invitation to witness the metamorphosis that happens when you align your life with the values that resonate deeply within you. From the roots of our guiding principles—shaped by the universal, familial, and societal—to the challenges we face when our values clash with our environment, this heart-to-heart is a beacon for those seeking clarity and direction.

Rolling up our sleeves, we'll scrutinize why living true to our core values can sometimes feel like standing against a hurricane, much like the sturdy live oaks. We delve into the reasons people veer off course, the allure of external validation, and the conflict avoidance that can muddy our path. Yet, we also celebrate the profound resilience and unwavering sense of self that comes from honoring these values. And as a precursor to our interactive Zoom class, where we'll embrace a core values activity, this conversation is a launchpad for personal growth. Join me, and let's grow more awesome together.

---CONNECT with Shero Cafe---
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shero.cafe.podcast/
Email: thesherocafe@gmail.com

---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
Let's Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.edwards.372
Self Care Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/624202641785785
Website: https://gratefulom.life/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahedwards-selfcarecoach/


---CONNECT with Debbie Pearson---
Facebook (personal): https://www.facebook.com/debbie.pearson.921
Facebook Group (Self-Discovery Lab): https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfdiscoverylab
Website: https://www.debbiepearson.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debbiepearsoncoach/

Debbie:

Hello, hello. It is noon and I cannot believe I think I finally figured out this whole Zoom live stream, third party oh dear God, things. Okay, anyway, how your values shape and inform you. I wanted to have this visual up here before we get started so that when you go to your Facebook group and you look, you'll be able to pick that I always thought that I was able to, that it somehow had a label. It does not in the Facebook groups. One more thing to do, so I'll just do it this way from now on. So this is about how your values shape and inform you, and I hope everybody's doing well today. I'm excited about this topic. It has very strongly impacted my life, so I'm looking forward to sharing everything not everything, but just this, a little bit of information about what I've learned. Okay, so today we are going to explore this invisible force that shapes our lives, and it's called core values.

Debbie:

Let's start out with me giving you a brief little personal example for something that happened in my life. It was crazy. It was like I was in my late 50s. So we're talking I'm 65. So that was like eight years ago seven, eight, whatever years ago, and I faced a major career decision I was. I'm not going to go through the whole thing, I'm sure you guys know about right before I walked Camino, but you know it was. I was. I'd really reached the pinnacle of my career. I had a lucrative position, I worked for a four-star general as a civilian and financially I like really had it made. I had the bank account, the house, the car, you know all those things.

Debbie:

But on the inside I felt actually kind of poor, empty yearning for something that I couldn't articulate. The only thing I could say was there's something missing. So I didn't really know. Oops, I didn't really know what that was. But in time, as I could no longer suppress those feelings that were pretty uncomfortable, I suddenly started understanding all these reasons why money and acquisitions didn't help me feel better. I thought about when is my life going to get better? When is my life? What is it going to be like? What is my purpose? Why am I here? I don't just all these thoughts in my head, but I don't know what it would have been like had I known to be able to articulate what my core values were. And again, I was in my late fifties but I had no idea. So if you don't either. Don't feel bad, and I have a great activity after this at the end to help you figure that all out. It's kind of fun actually. Okay, so have you ever had to make a decision but felt conflicted, like you weren't sure what was wrong but why? It didn't quite feel right to be doing what you were doing, but you just couldn't identify what was going on with you, you know, if that's the case, maybe it is time to look, or look again at your core values, because they do change over time.

Debbie:

Sometimes it depends on your particular life. For somebody like me who grew up in I used to call it a toxic household, I often now say emotionally immature parents, because they just were. They were very emotionally immature, and so there was a lot that was lacking in my upbringing. So because that was lacking, my core values may bounce more than other people, just because I'm learning more. Where other people may have learned a lot of certain aspects from their childhood, so they don't have to go as far. No matter, it just is what it is in our lives, right, we live the life, what we live, and we move forward from there.

Debbie:

But once I learned the importance of core values and I learned what mine were. It was like life-changing for me. Mine were. It was like life-changing for me, so I like to describe it like the roots supporting a very powerful trait. The roots are like the underpinning and nourishing of every decision that we make, even when we're not aware of them. So understanding where our core values come from can actually help us appreciate their deep impact on our daily decisions and interactions, and it seems to change things. To just be able to articulate them At least for me it was that was like a huge thing, like, oh my gosh, now I get it right.

Debbie:

So core values can originate from a combination of sources and each of them contribute to the tapestry of our beliefs, our principles and stuff that guide us. So, for one, we all have innate or universal values. Those are like fairness and empathy and responsibility. But then there's this whole broader package that comes from, like our families, the environment we grew up in, traditions, expectations that are set for us by other people. We have cultural and societal influences. Those include like ethical, religious, moral teachings, and again, we receive these from other people Well, meaning other people, but other people nonetheless and you may not feel comfortable with what they believe, but believe that you should feel comfortable because they're your family, they're your friends, they're this group, this larger I'll use the word tribe that you participate with, turns out.

Debbie:

My family and I are like polar opposites almost every spectrum that I can think of, right, personal, religious, philosophy, spirituality, political, everything. I just I just don't know why, but for whatever, whatever the reason is, I don't think or feel or act or believe like they do. And it's literally shocked. My whole, my world, I mean it. Just it seems like my whole life was spent feeling like I don't belong. Why don't I feel like I matter? Oh look, deb don't matter. There it is again. Deb don't matter. This is like a big, big, big theme that ran through my life and it was like nobody understood me and I never understood why I just always seem to be so very different from everyone in my family. And then, as I learned certain things like what it really kept me feeling like I have this North Star. This anchor is the core values. Those have made a really, really big difference for me. So I'm hoping that it makes a really big difference for you as well, and that's why we're discovering all about core values this month.

Debbie:

So I've realized that how a person may act toward their life, events, challenges and successes can alter their views of their values over time. You know what we learn our self-discovery processes, our the possibility of maybe going to therapy or, depending on the conversations that you have with trusted others, can all prompt us to consider, and sometimes change for the better, our core values. So reflect back on a time in your life whether family, cultural, religious, whatever any aspect and see if there was something that was really conflicting for you when you were making decisions, especially maybe during challenging times. Did you have a go-to like your core values that could help you make these decisions? Or did you just feel? Feel confused, challenged, out of place, had a lack of clarity, and look to other people to help you figure that out? A lot of us do that because we don't want to be outside of this tribe, if you will, this group of people that we go in and out of their lives on a regular basis.

Debbie:

All right, so let's look at the core values that are shaping your life right now. Check again to identify the top core values, if you can, if you can articulate them, that guide you daily in your life. Learning these is a journey of self-discovery and how convenient for you you're in the self-discovery lab. And if you're not, go into the self-discovery lab and help and join us. Okay, these are the values that influence our every decision. From mundane things like you know what am I going to wear, or what am I going to eat, or significant like life, life altering possibilities like who should I marry, what type of person should I marry? So again, you may know yours, but you may not. You may be able to articulate yours, your core values, and then you may not. I don't know if you have to know what they are, but knowing what they are is is, it's smart, it's wise, it's beneficial and it's nice. When something happens and you have that place from which to draw, you can go. Oh, that goes against this core value.

Debbie:

So I remember when I didn't know that integrity was a core value of mine. I mean, I didn't like when people lied to me, but I didn't have the word integrity. It just didn't fall in my lap, it wasn't part of the forefront of my thoughts. But if somebody said or did something that I knew wasn't true, or if they did something that was what I would now call out of integrity, I didn't understand what it was that I didn't like, but I knew I wanted to get away from that person. I took it personally like how dare they lie to me, you know? Like it was all, everything was all about me. It was so, yeah, very personal, but now I know all about it. So now I can go, oh, that person's out of integrity and I realized that it's like I don't want to hang out with people that are out of integrity. So, where I was spirit, experiencing it as personal because I didn't know what it was, I can now like just identify it and it's fine. Now you may know all this stuff already, but honestly, I was so old I was 58, something like that when I started really learning about this that I just no longer assume that everyone just knows.

Debbie:

So, all right, let me share five reasons why core values are so important. Number one they govern our perceptions of right and wrong. Number two they define our identity and how we want our relationships to be. Number three they establish our life's standards and boundaries. Number four I'm going to change hands. Number four they provide a moral compass for decision making. That's a really big one for me. Number five they sustain us through challenging times and do like this heavy lifting when needed. So we might, you know, have a big, heavy something that comes up, and if we do know what our core values are, it just makes it easier to look toward our North Star. All right.

Debbie:

So I like to say, imagine this big, towering, resilient tree. So I live in the South where there's a lot of hurricanes. Down here there's live oaks. I don't know if live oaks are where you live, but down here live oaks and they withstand intense winds, 130, 40, 50 mile an hour winds and they're still there. Like you come, you come back from. You know we always go away, you know, for three days. That's the, the magic number. And and it's like that tree is still there. And you're just like how everything around it's gone, but that tree is still there. Like how to do it?

Debbie:

So, to withstand these diverse types of weather conditions, the, the live oaks, rely on the strength of their roots for stability, anchoring them firmly in the ground as the big giant branches are extending in all these different positions. And again, how they sustain I don't know, but they do. So it's like really important. So, similarly, your core values are like these roots, securing your world and providing a strong foundation for your growth. And as the branches represent all the different aspects of your life your career choices, your relationships, your personal development, your community involvement it's like your core values are what are the underpinning and influencing for these various life decisions. So, again, just like those strong roots of a tree, your core values are deeply embedded in you and they are crucial for your growth and stability.

Debbie:

So let me just check and see, because I know that I'm not able to. Sorry, I got to look on my phone because of the way the new streaming service is, so give me one second and let me look and see if there's anybody's got anything going on with this. Okay, it looks like all is well. Thank you for being here. Appreciate you guys. All right, so I'm going to keep going, all right, okay, so why they're important? Why, my, if they're so important? Why people maybe would not live according to their core values? Right, so they might not be aware of their core values. Like I said, I was not aware of my core values. It almost seems crazy to say, but it just is the way that it is and I just accept it now. So that's, one just might not be aware of it and that's actually, I think, more common than we believe. It's kind of like oh yeah, I have core values, but can you tell me what they are? No, now I can, but I couldn't before.

Debbie:

Another one is. Another one is they may know what they are, but they don't consistently live them. Well, why would someone know what their core values are and't consistently live them? Well, why would someone know what their core values are and are and not consistently live them? Well, they may fear that they might lose security or approval. That's a big deal. That's fear and they're living in fear and it's like the fear is stronger than the need for them to live their core value. Like the fear is stronger than the need for them to live their core value. They may want to avoid conflict or discomfort.

Debbie:

So the saying that I like to say it's like I'm just going to go along to get along. It's better to go along to get along. And unfortunately, they dismiss themselves. They just put themselves behind somebody else. Maybe they don't want to hurt another person's feelings. Maybe they don't want to call attention to themselves. Maybe they don't think they'll be heard, that somebody will just dismiss them. Maybe they don't have the right words and the right words might be a good reason to learn what they are. That's why I was saying it was smart and wise and beneficial. When we have the right words, it's just easier to speak about what we have going on. So it is good to learn to articulate what they are. All right. So those are reasons people may not live their core values.

Debbie:

But here's some reason for living your core values and to set boundaries when your core values get violated. So when you have clear values, setting priorities becomes simpler. It just does. It's easier to give up what's not really that important so that you can pay more attention to what's really real for you. It's easier to respectfully set and enforce boundaries. Boundaries is a whole thing that we're putting together in the self-discovery circle, which will be coming hopefully soon, maybe by the end of June. I'll talk about that another time. So it's easier to respectfully set and enforce boundaries. So what happens is you realize that it's not personal to the other person, but you're taking care of yourself when you set boundaries.

Debbie:

People get that and it's like the people that really get it honor and respect it, and the people that don't get it, you got to question what the problem is that they wouldn't respect your boundaries, aka your core values. All right. Also, values help us make decisions that truly matter. Truly matter to us I'll say it again as we are making decisions for our highest good that is actually the highest good of all even if they're feeling uncomfortable with it in the moment. So what do I mean by? Not that part, but the part about helping us with decisions that truly matter? When we use our core values and if we need to set boundaries, we feel more powerful and whole and, like I said said, it serves both you and the other person by being upfront and clear. It's like if people, if a good friend, knows that you know I'm not going to answer the phone at 11 o'clock at night they know well, just don't call that time as opposed to getting their feelings heard or not understanding what's going on because I'm not answering the phone maybe not a great example, but you're getting that understanding what I mean. They know your boundaries, they know where they can come in and it's okay, and then where they're like, oh, maybe I shouldn't step in that close. That's really important. It gives you healthier relationships. It's like if your friend said something to you, like you would want to honor that because you understand that's a boundary of theirs. Maybe their core values of integrity is like oh, not that you go around lying, but it's like I better not lie to her because she's not going to want to participate with me and it lets everybody know where you stand. Very, very healthy stuff.

Debbie:

Okay, so we're going to be concluding here in just a second. I want to encourage each of you to think about at least one core value. Like I said, we're going to do an activity and I'll explain that. But during the month of May, think of one core value that you want to live more fully. This month, I invite you to start a values journal today, tonight.

Debbie:

Whatever Note when your values are guiding your decisions and when they don't, and this simple practice of just becoming more aware of yourself and your decisions can help align your actions with your core values. That leads to a more integrated and fulfilling life. I mean like how delicious to be able to live our lives according to our values. It's like the best right To me, that's like emotional freedom, all right. So in the self-discovery lab yep, a few minutes ago, the core values activity dropped.

Debbie:

So there's going to be three parts to the activity. So let me tell you what they are so you'll know what's going on. It's like four pages long. So part one is you just it's just like 125 values on a page. Choose the ones that like. You're like yes, yes, yes, that's me. And then there's some lines at the bottom. If you're like, hey, my special one's not on there, well, you can just write that one in and you're going to add in your own if you want or you don't have to. Let's see. I want to check. All right, it looks like there are no comments. So this is awesome. If it's not awesome that there's no comments, it's awesome that you guys are there.

Debbie:

If you have a question, put it in the chat. No, make a comment. Sorry, wrong terminology. I have to look again on my phone because Facebook did a thing. We'll just talk about that later. Facebook did a thing, so I can't look at chat anymore, even though I'm going live on Zoom. So if you have a question, put it in as a comment in the self-discovery lab and if you're here, put hashtag live, or if you're watching the replay, put hashtag replay. That would be lovely. I would appreciate that very much.

Debbie:

Okay, so getting back to this activity. So the first page is a whole bunch of one word I think they're all one and you're going to decide which ones are your values. Then really look at them and say which ones do I live by? This one, this one, this one, this one, whatever. Take the ones you really live by, go to page two or part two, and part two is figure out what category they fit in, find that category, that the ones from part one fit in, and however you want to acknowledge a check mark or write the word or whatever that works, then you're going to pick at least one, maybe up to three, and then where it says part three is the actual activity. And here's where the self discovery really, really begins.

Debbie:

So you're invited to pick one of your core values, define it for yourself like what does that mean to me? I've about what my behaviors and actions other people experience when I live, the integrity value Okay, I don't know if that made sense, so I'm whatever it is. Say it's family. I don't remember how it's written as a category, but let's just say it's family. So you choose the category family, you're going to write and it's got all the information there. You're going to write the definition of what does family mean to you? Because can you imagine it's different for other people, right? So you write what the definition of family means for you as a core value Just your notes, nothing really big, and then next to that box will be one, two, three. Write three comments about how family experiences you when you live this core value. It's very powerful. It's a very powerful exercise. Okay, if you have any questions, of course, reach out.

Debbie:

So every day, we have the choice to walk the walk, walk the talk, walk the talk. Yes, we talk about our core values, so we're going to walk that talk, and when we do, we live with integrity and authenticity. We feel more whole and aligned. And when we don't we don't walk that talk we might feel confused, conflicted, maybe disconnected. So living by your core values does not mean perfection at all. It means embracing and learning from each moment and choosing to grow and stand firm in what matters to you the most. And then, as you do, you're going to see the positive impact that living your best life has on not only yourself but on other people. We're not doing it for other people but, like I said, you live your highest good and it has great positive impact.

Debbie:

All right again, core values activity can be found in the files section. Download it. I would suggest printing it out, totally up to you. There's something about handwriting. That's really awesome with yourself and really sit down and think about your answers. And if you're new to this, were you surprised by what you came up with? And if this is not your first time, were you surprised by any changes that you've had from previous times?

Debbie:

Next week, on next Tuesday, at this same time which for me is noon central, we'll be meeting live on Zoom, not Facebook Live, but I'll put the Zoom link there so everybody can come into the Zoom room and I'll put all the details in the lab. So don't worry about it. But be sure to complete the core values activity before coming to the class, the Zoom class, because we're going to want to spend time on your answers, connecting and sharing with each other and, of course, any questions that may have come up. All right again, I'm going to post everything in the lab. For next week, the core values activity should be in the file section and for those of you who are listening and you're not already in the free, private, women-only self-discovery lab, please feel free to join us. As always, I'm Deb Pearson, helping you become more awesome on the inside. See you next video.

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