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028 The Four Agreements (Intro of the book by don Miguel Ruiz) Bringing Forth Self-Care and Self-Love

• Deborah Edwards and Debbie Pearson

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Ever felt trapped by the expectations of others or struggled with people-pleasing tendencies? Discover how don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements" can help you break free and live more authentically. We share personal stories and insights on how this transformative book has quietly influenced our lives, even long after we've forgotten its specific teachings. From childhood conditioning to resigning from positions that don't serve our well-being, we explore the unconscious agreements we make and the journey to foster self-care, self-love and personal growth.

Join us as we explore the power of living with integrity and authenticity. Learn how aligning your actions with your true self can lead to a more fulfilling life, benefiting not just you but everyone around you. We discuss the principles of being impeccable with your word, not taking things personally, and avoiding assumptions, all inspired by Ruiz's wisdom. As we set the stage for our next episode on being impeccable with your word, we invite you to nurture the "Shero" within, paving the way for a healthier and more emotionally connected life.

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---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
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Website: https://gratefulom.life/
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---CONNECT with Debbie Pearson---
Facebook (personal): https://www.facebook.com/debbie.pearson.921
Facebook Group (Creative Self-Discovery Lab): https://www.facebook.com/groups/creativeselfdiscoverylab
Website: https://www.debbiepearson.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debbiepearsoncoach/

Debbie:

Well, hello, Deborah hey.

Deborah:

How are you Hi, I'm fabulous.

Debbie:

Good and hello to all you guys listening. We are so excited to bring to you today the book the Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz and really talk about the impact that this book can have in your life. We've decided to break this book up into the beginning section, which is kind of the introduction to the book and the idea and concept, and then we're going to do four more episodes after this, one on each of the four agreements. So I don't know if you've read the four agreements before, but I did a long time ago, like I don't know. For me it was like 20 years ago. What about?

Deborah:

you, devorah, I think for me it was like 40 years ago. It was a while ago. I was a young thing, and, and I don't even know if I even understood it all, but I just always remembered how impactful and powerful it was.

Debbie:

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Um, and somebody asked me the other day, the other day, what are the four agreements? I was like um, and it was like I couldn't name them, but I live them like I really, or I try to, I try to. So, um, what we'd like to do is start off just kind of not not doing a book report, but but talk about the, the, the self-love and self-care portions that we've gotten out of the book and maybe why we as humans have such a challenge with things like perfectionism, self-doubt, rejection and other feelings that we have without even realizing, like, where that comes from. So look, I'm just going to keep talking Deborah, so, at any point, just jump in. Okay, all right, she's like yeah, I know, deb, you don't have to tell me, okay.

Deborah:

So one of the things and I'll jump in now One of the things that really struck me is some of the things that we're looking at anyway, about how, you know, how our lenses, our past, our limiting beliefs really affect how we move through the world. Right, so we have ... since we were kids, we've been trained to respond in this way If I do this, then I'm going to get a reward, if I don't do this, I'm not going to get that reward. And so there's a lot of things that have come with us as we, you know, as we age that really doesn't serve our self-love or self-care, and I think that this book kind of points that out a little bit. At least in the introduction. They give you kind of an outline of some of those limiting beliefs, some of those agreements that we've made in the past.

Debbie:

And we don't realize that we made them.

Deborah:

I mean, it wasn't like yeah, we didn't go.

Debbie:

I agree with you in a conscious manner, but it became an agreement. Right To hear these adult people you know, or who literally control their lives, both emotionally and financially even though for some people, there wasn't a lot of emotion and there may not have been a lot of financial, we agreed to believe what the I call them the other people, because that could be primary, secondary caregivers, teachers, parents, coaches, neighbors, all it's just others, right, the other people. And through all these other people, did I cut you off? Did you have something else? You want to finish saying Okay, through all these other people, did I cut you off? Did you have something else?

Debbie:

You want to finish saying Okay, through all these other people, we begin to form this picture of perfection and in a lot of times it's unattainable because person A says you should do something and person B says you shouldn't do it, and now we're like, oh, and I'm kind of bouncing and floating between doing it and not doing it, because I'm not sure who I'm with right now, like a person type or a person B type. People pleasing comes from this because we want to try and soothe our way through the world and, if we can please, this other person we won't quote unquote get hurt, and that might be a physical hurt or an emotional hurt.

Deborah:

And I've got a great example of something that I did this week, which it was when I came to the realization of why I did this for years. I am on our HOA, okay, and I have not enjoyed it, haven't wanted to do it for years, but we only now have two people on our HOA. Because nobody wants to do it. So I have been doing this for the board I'm sorry, wants to do it. So I have been doing this for the board I'm sorry, the board of the HOA. So I've been doing this for years because nobody else would do it and because I could do it. And so this week I called up the other person on the board and say I am resigning my position, I want to put my time somewhere else, because I was making um, putting myself out, because nobody else wanted to do it.

Deborah:

So if I did so, I had to look at what I wanted to do with my time, to love myself, to care for myself, and say this is what is best for me and I I don't really. You know I will be a help or whatever, but I need to break that agreement that I have to take care of everybody else. If nobody else will do it, then I have to do it and I have to break that agreement for everybody else and should and keep the agreement that I'm making with myself that I am going to take care of myself. So you know, you just always have. You know, the more you dig into these things and the more you know the awareness that you have, you're like, oh, that's what I've been doing for the last four years. I've been trying to break off this agreement or whatever, and I've never been able to until I've been able to look inside me and find the place inside me that allowed me to make that change.

Debbie:

Wow, how did you feel? A it's a two-part question how did you feel when you made the decision and then how did you feel after you announced your decision?

Deborah:

After I made the decision, I was kind of like are you going to really do it? Are you really going to do it? You know it's like hey, yeah, okay, this is what you're going to do. It took me a while, it took me a long while and after I did it, when I was doing it, I and uh, I I was not gonna text or email, I was gonna call and talk to the other person directly. Um, which was kind of you know, okay, am I gonna backslide, am I gonna? And I kind of didn't backslide. I didn't go, I quit or anything like that. I'm like I'm not, I'm resigning and here are some options or whatever. So I kind of just wanted to still make it okay, to keep that relationship and keep that connection right.

Deborah:

So I still wanted to felt like I wanted to make it okay for in any way that I could for the other person, as much as I could, but still I was like I got off the phone and I was like, yes, yes, yes, yes, I did it.

Debbie:

I'm well, I'm proud of you and it sounds like you're proud of yourself too, and it's like I'm hearing just so many little pockets, like you know, this belief that if nobody else is doing it, you've got to do it. But then the realization of how restrictive it is as opposed to an expansive feeling, and I'm not talking about just is this fun or is this not fun, because sometimes we have to do things that aren't fun. But then I also was hearing actually, I felt like I was hearing agreement number one, which is be impeccable with your word, and in that story, which is good, we'll continue it in the next episode didn't just drop a bomb, but you decided to be considerate enough to think through some options and offer that as well, and whether she accepts any of those or not is irrelevant. The integrity of you said I can't just drop and run. So I just thought that was really cool. That's a great story. Thank you for telling that.

Deborah:

That's thank you. But yeah, I'm, I'm, I can, I I'm still gonna be doing some, some tasks for a little while, but I told him where I'm, where it, where it ends, so um but that's the thing that that is. So I think exciting about this book is that you have some little nuggets, some, you know, the four agreements that really can give you a little matrix or a foundation or a guideline that's going to help you navigate these things Because, again, it's a journey.

Debbie:

Yeah, and you know we keep talking about agreements. If you guys read the book the Four Agreements, part of the introduction talks about how, even if we didn't 100% agree with what other people were saying, they're still called agreements because we're adults now and we're still doing them. So we've agreed to continue to do things that we didn't want to do back then, we don't want to do now, but we do them anyway. And so how can we start living our lives in a way that's different, that's going to make a difference, and that we are deciding? And the way that it can shift and change for us is to start making new agreements with ourselves, right? So that's what the four agreements are how to make new agreements with yourself.

Debbie:

But before we get into those, I would like to just talk a little bit about how we stay stuck in these limiting beliefs, all these challenges, and we talked a little bit about how we live in other people's definitions plural of perfection, and that is unattainable because we cannot be quote unquote perfect for anybody, much less everybody. And but so what? What do we do? We end up putting on these social masks because, we don't realize that we can't.

Debbie:

So we're pretending I mean not to not really to like, oh I'm gonna. It's not an intentional pretending, it is a survival mechanism because we don't want to get judged. And the interesting thing is, a lot of our people we hang out with are also pretending because they don't want to get judged. And even if we're stepping outside of that and I know I've been stepping outside of that for decades but it seems like we still end up carrying guilt and shame when we're not true to ourselves. So two big words are authenticity and integrity, and what it's taking to to be that I don't know a hundred percent, even possible, but is heading in that direction for sure. Yeah.

Deborah:

And when you look at it, when you look at it, what we're doing in these situations is we are you gave the example of being perfect for this person be perfect for this person. We are disconnecting with our authentic selves Absolutely, and what these agreements allow us to do is to create space for us to look and to operate from our authentic selves, coming from a place of not. I guess, when you say self, there could be the interpretation that it's selfish or narcissistic or something like that, but I'm not referring to that at all. It doesn't mean that. But if you are true to anything in this world, it should be to yourself, and allowing you to connect with your true self in a way that you interact with the world from the inside and not from the outside, just really allows you to live a more fulfilled you know, well-lived life.

Debbie:

I think yeah, yeah yeah, I was talking to a client and I happened to say the words in your highest good you know, making a decision for your highest good and I and she kind of was nodding her head, but I realized as I kept talking that she wasn't really understanding. She, I think, was nodding to say I heard your words but not I understand them. And when we finally got to a point where I said when? Because she said I have to consider everybody, I can't just consider me. And I said exactly that's what I'm talking about when I say your higher good, because the higher good for you is the best good that's possible and that means for everyone. That doesn't mean everyone's going to like it, it doesn't mean everyone's going to approve of it, but if it is truly for the highest good of you, that is the highest good of all.

Debbie:

So let's say the highest good is you make a boundary with a loved one that there's a behavior that's not going to be I don't want to say tolerated, but that you find unacceptable. Maybe they go through your things or they walk in on you and you would rather have privacy. Whatever the situation is, that boundary may create some rift between you and the loved one. But that doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. It means that there was something that was off. And if the other person is like arguing we're family, you know you can't do that or you shouldn't do that, that is a disempowering belief, that is a social construct or a familial construct or a cultural one that says you must do it because those other people have decided that that's the way, it should be right for you. Then you have to look at why is it not right for you and is it in the highest good to shift or change that situation? And that may be an agreement that you end up making with yourself, because when we don't, we end up living a false life trying to fit into what somebody else wants us to do, and when we really are in the agreement that we're all going to honor our agreements, it is like the best ever, Right, Thank you.

Debbie:

Okay, so I was going to say cause I I mean, I have certain friends, you're one of them that it's like I can just be, of course, generously and genuinely and honestly and with compassion, but I can be completely honest with you Like, hey, I can't make it. I know, I said I would, but something has really come up and it's not a BS excuse, it's something really came up and I can't be with you for whatever reason. And you get it because you know that I am impeccable with my word, which, of course, is going to be the next episode. You don't take it personal, which is number two, and you're not making any assumptions, which is agreement.

Debbie:

Number three You're allowing me, who you know has high integrity and authenticity, to live my life in, in the, the, to live my life in the best way that I can, doing what's in my highest good and knowing that it's got nothing to do with going against you or not honoring you, Right, right. And that is like number four, which is always do your best. So we've covered all four of what they are, I know.

Deborah:

And I am just so excited to to really really dig in into these four agreements and Debbie and I could Debbie and I could talk about these things forever, because it is just so exciting that you know we can have, um, an awareness that could lead us to decisions that really support our well-being, and when you find something that gives you some information on that, it's always so exciting.

Debbie:

So, yeah, so to go ahead and we'll start wrapping this up is, as I'd like to say, there are times when we really feel powerless, and I think a lot of that has to do with being so because of these agreements. They're so ingrained into our everyday life, into our subconscious maybe our unconscious life, into our subconscious, maybe our unconscious and we really don't even realize what we put ourselves through, and that's why we feel powerless. Learning these agreements, learning how to incorporate self-care and self-love in with these agreements, will literally change your life, and but it changes it for the better. And again, not in an egotistical way, but in an emotionally healthy way, and the more emotionally healthy you are, the more emotionally healthy you can participate with others in your life, right? So with that, I think this is a good wrap up.

Deborah:

So we will see you in the next episode, the next episode where we'll be going over the first agreement of be impeccable with your word and always, always, always. We invite you to love and care for the Shiro in you, Shiro in you Woo-hoo, always, always, we invite you to love and care for the shero, and you, you are, you guys. Bye.

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Debbie Pearson

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