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029 1st Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word

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Unlock the secrets of transformative communication with us as we explore the first agreement from don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements": "Be Impeccable with Your Word. Imagine using your words not just to speak truth but to create a life filled with authenticity and freedom. We reflect on how aligning our speech with our genuine selves can break down barriers and open up new realms of personal growth and self-awareness.

Picture the struggle of returning to work after a blissful vacation. We dive into the art of "re-entry" and how it ties into self-care and maintaining a balanced life. This episode is packed with personal stories and strategies for replacing negativity with positivity. By being conscious of our words and actions, we can develop new agreements that resonate with who we truly are. Speaking up for ourselves isn't just a necessity; it's a path to continuous improvement and creating a supportive environment.

Words are powerful tools that can either connect or divide us. Through anecdotes and humor, we unravel the layers of communication, sharing insights into how automatic phrases can impact our relationships. 

Join us in fostering a community where language is used to uplift and empower. Stay engaged with us through potential book clubs (let us know what you're thinking!) and initiatives that deepen our connections. By practicing impeccable language, we can cultivate a life filled with joy, peace, and love, recognizing that every step towards better communication enriches our journey.

Thank you for clicking the like/love, and for sharing your comments!

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---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
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Debbie:

Well, hello, Deborah. How are you?

Deborah:

I am fabulous, how are you

Debbie:

Good, and how is everybody listening today? You know we started to do this. I don't even know what you call this, but it's several episodes.

Debbie:

So we're talking about a book the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz book, the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and our last episode we talked about the introduction part of it and it's about how we're essentially domesticated from childhood. I hate that word because it sounds like an animal, you know, but you know how do they train like whales and dolphins and to do things. They reward the positive behavior only and just ignore the negative behavior. But not in my household. I don't know about anybody else's, but yeah, we were domesticated by what everybody, a lot of people, is, that reward and punishment kind of system, and he talks about that.

Debbie:

And then how we inherit limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns, mainly because of that trying to do right and wrong by the people in the household we grew up in. And then those limiting beliefs that we learn and the self-sabotaging patterns. They help shape our perception of reality. And then there's this seemingly human collective of an illusion that's based on fear, judgment and societal conditioning, and what we're wanting to do is to help we, as in the Shiro Cafe, is we're wanting to help people break free from this illusion, because it can be done. And in a way to start doing this is by adopting the four agreements, which are very powerful, from this book, but to adopt them for ourselves, right? These four agreements are for you, the individual, not to make sure that somebody else likes what you're doing, but just for you. And by adopting these powerful agreements, it can help lead us to personal freedom. That's emotional freedom, which is amazing.

Debbie:

Authenticity, integrity and transformation. So it's huge. I mean, to me it's a really big deal. I've always loved integrity and authenticity. Big deal. I've always loved integrity and authenticity. The truth has always meant a lot to me. So when I came across this book, I fell in love with it. So, deborah, why don't you tell us what we're going to be talking about today?

Deborah:

So before we get started, I want to say, you know, kind of the same thing for me when I came across this book many, many, many years ago. It was a way of enlightenment and being conscious of things that before I had no awareness of, any conscious awareness of, and how my existence in the world is affecting my existence in the world, right. So I felt like at the time that everything that was happening to me was happening to me and was outside of my control. This is the first thing that I ran across that made me aware that I have some control and I have awareness that can bring, inform how my reality is. So this one that we're going to be talking about today is the first agreement, and it is be impeccable with your word.

Deborah:

Little bit interesting because I think that, um, when we were talking about those, um, you know how we were kind of molded with rewards, good or bad or whatever we think about. Being impeccable with your word is not lying or telling the truth or keeping your word, but in this agreement we're talking more about, um, using your words and your language in a way that uplifts rather than harms, and we're talking about not only others but yourself as well. So impeccable comes from the Latin word M without and peccatus, which means sin, and that means when you speak your words, you are without sin in what you say. Now you can define sin in any way that you want to. I'm not saying what sin is and what isn't.

Deborah:

So the point is is that words are powerful.

Deborah:

They shape reality, they shape our own inner world, they shape our outer world, they influence our emotions, our self-perception, and what we say and sometimes what we don't say is really a good way that we can have control over that. So that's, that's kind of what what the book presents as uh, as the what being impeccable with your word means. But I also want to point out, debbie, that this is also deeply connected to self-care and well-being, because the way we speak to ourselves, the way that we speak to others, we can speak for connection and wellness, or the opposite can be the case it directly impacts our mental, emotional and even physical health. I know there's been times when I said things to people where I'm like whoa, where did that come from? That is not like me and it creates a physical, a physical reaction in my body. I'm all of a sudden not at peace because I did not speak in a way that aligns with who I know myself to truly be and that's how you are now, but it wasn't always that way.

Debbie:

Exactly, yeah, I uh, I remember when I first read be impeccable with your word, it felt like, yeah, I wish everybody else would be impeccable with their word because they lie, and I was all mad at people and I I felt like I told the truth, you know, and that's what that meant. But when? But when reading the book, it has so much more impact. He says this is one of the most difficult ones to honor, Not for me. This was an easier one for me. This agreement, Um, there's two other that are really, really challenging for me. We'll we'll get more into that later. But um, he also talked about being impeccable with your word means watch everything that comes out of your mouth, because you're creating your reality. So if you gossip about other people, if you are blaming others, it is the perpetuation of the misery meant without sin, and I do like how he talks about sin, because it's not in a religious way, it is in a sin meaning more like a rejection of yourself anything you do that goes against yourself. And being impeccable or without sin, means that you're taking responsibility for your thoughts, your words, your actions. You're not blaming, shaming, judging, and that is challenging. That is challenging to not judge other people or not judge yourself. And but as you practice it right and pay attention to it, that's where the magic to me starts coming in.

Debbie:

I remember growing up and I heard over and over cause, you know, there was a few of us in the family played instruments and practice makes perfect, practice makes perfect. I used to hate that because I never felt good enough, no matter what I did. I just it was like no, it doesn't. You know, I just couldn't, I couldn't accept those words as truth, and I don't know how old I was mid fifties I suppose and I was in a workshop and a woman said practice makes. And I'm like, perfect, you know, I know that one all too well. And she says well, that is what a lot of people say, but we like to say practice makes progress and I thought oh that's so much better

Debbie:

because I can progress, I can get better, but perfect's kind of a weird word for me. So you know, being impeccable with your word is not being perfect, it's progressing and getting better. And if you do screw up being compassionate with yourself because you're recommitting to yourself to do, you know to pay attention to that so that you can do better the next time. And yeah, it's our brains, something that I you said something earlier and I can't remember exactly what it was. Can't remember exactly what it was, but it made me think about how our brains are like a, a brand new computer, like when we're born. It's like a brand new computer that has no programs or anything on it and other people download their programs into our brain. Versus current day, if you go buy a computer, you get to put whatever programs you want to put on there, right, you get to choose that. So I like to look at this book and these agreements like firewalls and virus protection, where yeah, I can see that yeah, yeah, so that it's like you.

Debbie:

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, yeah, so that it's like you get rid of the bad stuff but you can still let the good stuff in, right, so you can still learn and stuff. So, anyway, you know, people are constantly planting seeds, even though they may not realize it, because they've got their own opinions and their own ideas and their own concepts about the way things should be and maybe that is good or right for them. But we individually have to be impeccable with our word for and to ourselves so that when their opinions and ideas and concepts go against what feels like it's in our highest good or our best interest, we're able to know thank you, without destroying another person, not blaming them. With you know, quit trying to. You know not blaming them. With you know, quit trying to. You know impress your ideas or whatever on me.

Debbie:

We want. I know I do. It's a, it's an automatic response for me. It's that anxiety response of like fight, flight, freeze I. Just I want to fight back. Like, don't, you know, like I get very frustrated pretty quickly if somebody is pushing. So this helps me recognize, along with the other agreements, helps me recognize that people are just doing what they do, and it's not against me, they're just. They're just trying to figure out their world and their life.

Deborah:

Exactly, I mean.

Deborah:

And another thing that you know, that that I that always comes to mind, to what that did come to mind to me when I was reading this chapter, is I think it's Maya Angelou that said you know, people may not remember what you said to them, what happened, but they do remember how you made them feel Right.

Deborah:

And so if you can understand the words that you're saying, you know, even towards yourself, if I'm saying negative things towards myself, you know, or, or my self-talk is not aligning with who I want to be, then you know it's like do I want to hang out with myself or do I want to hang out with that person that's always saying, using their words negatively, against even themselves or other people, because you know, oh, when I'm around that person, they're always, you know, saying bad things about whatever the situation is, and they don't make me feel good Right now. And so that's a another way of looking at it is, when you want to go out in the world, when you want to go inside yourself, you want to use the words that uplift people, that make them feel like, oh, I've been better for having an interaction with this person, whether it's a positive situation or not.

Debbie:

Well, that makes me think of two words restrictive and expansive. And so it's like how do you feel? You know, and ask in the audience you know, how do you feel after you spend time with a particular person, you know? Do you feel restrictive, like, oh, you shut down, or do you feel expansive, like that was enjoyable and I want more of that.

Debbie:

Right, I had a situation where I went to a place to get my computer fixed and the young lady that was there was a little bit like fussing about her job, like it's OK, but you know, I just got off a vacation stresses, and then we come back. There may be what I like to call a period of reentry. It's like you got to take a minute to kind of get back in the stress of life, right, yeah, yeah, but that that is actually a message. And so I asked her, you know, like it's not the job itself, but if, because the job may be wonderful for somebody else, but if the vacation felt very expansive, but now you're back and you're feeling very restrictive and confined and very frustrated, you know what is the message? In other words, how impeccable, with your own word, are you being if you push aside those feelings and force yourself to go back into a restrictive situation that you really don't really care to be in. And for her it was very powerful because she got to see that she gets to choose.

Deborah:

And um, yeah, that was exactly what I was thinking. I was like you know, um, yeah, that was exactly what I was thinking. I was like you know, you should be what? The first thing, of course, me being the self-care person. You should be having that level of self-care and support, whether you're on vacation or at work, right? And so if you are not and this is not necessarily directly related to being impeccable with your word, but I think that your actions follow your words If that is not something that you're able to set up, no matter what situation that you're in, then you need to look at that situation and see how it supports or doesn't support you, and look at what words maybe you need to speak to your boss or to your co-workers or to yourself, to put you in a position where you can still feel really completely balanced and uplifted in any situation.

Deborah:

Now, none of us are going to be singing the unicorn song 24 seven, right, but it gives you like a it's, it's a, it's a cycle, and if you find that you're more down in those cycles than you are up, then you may want to look around and see what you need to. You need to speak up for yourself.

Debbie:

Sure, absolutely. And that's why we need self-care coaches like you, um, because people don't really just know how to do it and they need to get taught. And you know, just like right now, to be impeccable with your word, I know when I first read it I didn't really know how to do it, and it took some learning how to do it, because I kept oh, I don't want to, I want to say I kept coming up short, but I was also learning when I came up short and eventually I've gotten to where I'm pretty good at it.

Debbie:

I'm not perfect, because I can still hear somebody did something I don't even know. Like you know, we'll use the car in the road, kind of thing, and I immediately go into what is wrong with you.

Deborah:

You know kind of thing.

Debbie:

But I can pull myself back now because I hear those words, because I loved a phrase I heard many years ago and it said we do not have the luxury of a negative thought, which is a little different connotation. But if we don't have the luxury of a negative thought, why is that? And it comes back to what Domega Rua said it's like the mind is a fertile ground and seeds are constantly being planted. So if we're speaking negatively, we're having those negative thoughts, we're planting negative seeds, so to speak. So we don't have the luxury, we're planting weeds. We're planting weeds, that's it right. Not seeds, but weeds, and so yeah, so it's just super, super important and I guess we're just really pushing that.

Debbie:

So how do we move beyond it? Apparently, the only thing that can break us from old agreements which, again, may not have been real conscious agreements, but they're still there and we may have agreed upon acting a particular way, because if we didn't, we were afraid of verbal, emotional, mental, physical harm. Right, so we agreed to act in particular ways. So, even though we didn't want to agree to it, we did agree because we were in survival. And then we leave our homes and schools and neighborhoods and we're still doing the same thing decades and decades later. So the only thing that can break us free from the old agreement is to literally replace it with a new agreement.

Deborah:

But one of the things I was having a conversation with one of my clients the other day and we were talking about something that she does with her words that doesn't have a positive impact in the communication or whatever, and I was.

Deborah:

It came down to the point where you realize that some of these things that have been beat into us literally are just habits that we've taken on. And you know, and it's just a habit that I respond this way, that I, and so then what is ours to do? One way that we can do this is to break that habit and find a way to break that habit. So when you do something like like we said, we're not a hundred percent right and you're not going to be a hundred percent until you get a lot of experience breaking that habit. So you can decide within yourself okay, you know what, I'm always gossiping. Let's just say I'm always gossiping. How am I going to break that habit? And you know you say, okay, when I catch myself gossiping, you know, oops, there I go again. I, you know just whatever you need to do to kind of get that turned around.

Debbie:

I want to tell you a cute little story. I um, it wasn't even, but maybe like two years ago, um, I had been, you know, on my own quest about being impeccable with my word and learning new stuff about myself and and watching, being consciously aware of what the words are, what words were coming out of my mouth. And I have two dogs, and one's really laid back and kind of demure and she just waits for you and is very sweet, and the other one's kind of like a little tank, you know. And so if, if I say, um, let's go for a ride in the car, I'm scared to say it out loud because they're like right here, uh. But if I say those words like out loud, like let's geo, let's sorry, but um, like ready, like just ready, like right there, like like oh, let's do it, let's do it.

Debbie:

And then the other one's like oh, I'll just wait for you to pick me up and put me in there, you know, but what I just drives me crazy is when we get to the car, no matter what door I open the tank, that she will just just like you're not leaving without me, like she just blasts into the car. And it drives me crazy because sometimes I'm just putting my purse down, so I'm opening the front door. No, they go in the back. Okay, so I opened the front door and she's in there and I'm like you know, get in the back seat anyway. So this one day. So I'm telling her no, do not, do not get in right now. I'm expecting to be quote unquote obeyed, right, cause the alpha of the pack must be obeyed. I can tell she is not going to listen to me. She is not. But I'm being like don't you stay, stay, stay. And I'm being very, very adamant in my voice about you stay. And I opened the door and she stayed. I couldn't believe that she was right inside. She was like blasted right past me and you could tell the excitement she's got. Her ears go a particular way. She's just so excited and I was like oh no, you're not, Get out, get out, get out. And she would not come out.

Debbie:

Well, finally, I had a leash on and I pulled her out and I set her down and I said stay, because I wanted her to stay. But before I could get her to do that, she took off running, ok, I know. And I was like these are the words that came out of my mouth. We're talking about paying attention. And I went you should be ashamed of yourself. And I went did I just shame my dog? You know, it was crazy and I just in awe of hearing my parentals, my parents, words coming out of my mouth without I wasn't, there was no thought, it was just an automatic response to something and I was just kind of blown away and it just made me even more aware when I'm speaking, did I really say what I wanted to say? So anyway, that was not a real short story.

Deborah:

I thought it was gonna be shorter than that, but I mean, it's just, it's just kind of. You know, when we're talking about this, I'm thinking about so many different different you know examples in my life. You know where it is just very easy to see how the words that you're using can help or hurt. You know, can connect or disconnect, and, and I got one little funny story I know we're getting to the end of the episode here, but one little funny story.

Deborah:

I was telling my husband about something that happened and blah, blah, blah, blah, and I was like da, da, da, da, da da. And he's like judge much. I'm like I'm not judging, I'm just telling you what happened, this is the truth. And then I had to, like you know, go. Was I judging? I thought I was just sharing with him something that happened, you know in my day. And so I repeat that just to say that sometimes it's good to just step back and look and see what the words that you were saying and how they were received and what the impact of them were. They were received and what the impact of them were, because we can just go through life with blinders on, thinking everything that we do is uplifting everybody or not impacting everybody, because that's one of the things that I have to say to myself. You know, words have consequences and you get to choose what the consequences are for yourself, your loved ones and others, based on how you use your words. Or for me, in some cases, not use my words.

Debbie:

Yeah, and so basically, nobody's perfect. Everybody is going to. I don't know that there would be, no matter how long you practice. I don't know that. I mean, maybe there are people that can be so impeccable with their word that they never, ever, ever mess up. I'm not one of those people, not yet, not yet. However, practicing being impeccable with my word, practicing shifting and changing when I do notice that I have been not impeccable with my word has made a huge difference in my life. I feel much more joy, a lot more inner peace. There's definitely more love there and and just a genuine happiness. So it's a really, really good agreement to have with yourself, all right.

Deborah:

So I guess we are. Well, you know what? I'm just going to invite you to think about it, just think about it, you know, and if you get the book, I would just, I would just love it, because they give you a much more detail than what we can give here book thing on it.

Debbie:

We'll think about that and if so, if people are interested, they're going to somehow participate with us. So maybe subscribe to us, because we, we love you guys so much. Um, your participation is what keeps us, uh this space thriving and connected. And if you're not on our uh subscription list, uh get on it so that when we do decide to have a different kind of book clubs, you you'll know about it. And thanks for all the loves, likes and comments.

Deborah:

So so my last question is how do you plan on using your impeccable words to uplift yourself and others? And, as always, always, always, we invite you to love and care for the shero and you all. Right bye, guys.

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