Shero Cafe Podcast

031 - 3rd Agreement: Make No Assumptions - Part 1

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What happens when you stop assuming and start asking? 

In this episode, we promise to help you unlock the transformative power of clear communication by exploring Don Miguel Ruiz's third agreement, "Don't Make Assumptions." 

Discover how this principle can alleviate the anxiety and missed opportunities that arise when we presume to understand others without truly listening.

We candidly share our own journeys, recounting personal stories of how assumptions have impacted our lives, especially during the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Learn from our experiences as we unravel the emotional turmoil that ensued from making assumptions in friendships. When communication broke down, misplaced feelings of disinterest and blame surfaced, causing unnecessary pain. Yet, reconnecting revealed a completely different story, one rooted in genuine health struggles rather than resentment. 

This episode underscores the critical importance of seeking clarity and challenging our beliefs, not just in our interactions with others, but also in our assumptions about ourselves. Join us as we navigate this essential path toward fostering healthier relationships and reducing drama.

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Debbie:

Hi everybody. I'm excited that today we're going to be talking about the third agreement, called Don't Make Assumptions, from the book the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Now, over the past few episodes, we discussed the first agreement, which is be impeccable with your word. We talked about the second agreement, which is don't take things personally. Next week we're going to talk about sorry. Next episode we're going to talk about the fourth agreement, which I love it. It's called Always Do your Best. And today, deborah and I are going to be talking about the third agreement, which is make no assumptions.

Deborah:

And this is one of my favorite ones, because I feel like this particular agreement is something that has really me taking on. This agreement has really changed my life, and let me just talk a little bit about what Don Miguel, you know, is talking about with. Don't make assumptions. So that is advising us to not presume to understand what others are feeling, what their motivation is for their actions, without getting clarity, a clear communication actually going directly to the source. By seeking clarity and asking questions, we can prevent misunderstandings and reduce unnecessary stress with that right. So I have a tendency.

Deborah:

I have a very, very strong imagination. I can create a whole story about what I think is going on in someone's head, why they turned left instead of right, why they didn't call me in the morning. I can create this whole story. That would create a whole I don't know series of feelings from me about what was happening, about something that may not have even been true, something that may not have even been true. And then I can come up later and find out that, oh, that's not what they were thinking at all or that's not what was happening at all. And I wasted all this energy first creating the story and then, second, really feeling all of these emotions that went along with that story about something that wasn't even true, based on an assumption that I made. So in this agreement, this is what we are finding ourselves challenged to do is just to get that clarity in with whatever way that we can ask questions, just keep an open mind and not create those lovely stories that you know I should be in Hollywood. I've created some of these stories.

Debbie:

Well, your stories may be a little bit brighter and more embellished than other people's, I don't really know. But I, who hasn't done that, who hasn't said oh, I'll bet you it was this or that? Or I wonder why, like you said, why didn't they call me in the morning, right? Or you know, I texted them 20 minutes ago and they haven't responded. And we assume I do it all the time and you know, especially like I have a client and I'll send her a text and if she doesn't give me like a thumbs up like she got it, you know I'm like I wonder if she got it and and does she know that she has to respond? And then I go through this whole, you know, swirling around thing in my head, wondering about whether or not what she's doing is like like what am I trying to say? Like is she going to be able to take care, take advantage of what I'm presenting to her? And worried about her. But I'm assuming something she every time she's like Debbie, I saw it. I'm like how, how am I supposed to know that? I think sometimes it's our own anxiety about it.

Debbie:

But I do make assumptions a lot and I don't like that. I do and I have to like check myself and go, how am I going to do this differently? Um, or or calm myself down, uh. So one of the things that he talked about was, uh, the difference between making an assumption and what's actually real. I remember thinking that making assumptions and then the second one, taking things, don't take things personally, they go hand in hand so strongly because it feels personal a lot of times Like well, why didn't they respond Right, like, are you mad? Are they mad at me? What's going on over there? But I think we think that we know what's going on, those stories that we make up in our heads. Right, we think that we know. We believe that the story that we've created is true because it's what fits for us, but it's not necessarily true and I would say it's probably not true.

Debbie:

But what happens when we make an assumption is we're more than likely misunderstanding what's going on. We're taking it personally and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing. And how much of our lives do we live in that and I'm not saying it's like 90% of our life or anything like that but how often do we think we know why another person did or didn't do or say what they did or didn't say or do? How often do we think we know?

Deborah:

And I think it's more about believing that we know as opposed to allowing ourselves to question that- yeah, and I, you know, I have an example too, and I think not only not only making these assumptions, you know, create these drama situations or create anxiety or, you know, tension, but it also, a lot of times, um, creates a situation where you miss out on joy because you've made an assumption. Right, I had some friends that I loved very dearly and this is, you know, and we'd, uh, known each other for 14 years and, you know, through covid, we had calls and then, all of a sudden, I was not getting any callbacks from them, I wasn't getting any calls.

Debbie:

Is this the people you just started talking about last? Yeah, that's the same.

Deborah:

Yeah, okay, yeah, good, I'm glad you brought that up.

Deborah:

Yeah, I'm bringing back that same story because it was so much of an assumption that I was making an assumption that I was making, um, these were people that were just very loving. Um, it was a couple that I knew and he set me up with a couple of his friends and it was just, you know, just a really good relationship. And then when covet hit, um, she was wanting me to get my shot, she was want me to do this and she was very adamant and and then, all of a sudden, I wasn't getting return calls, we weren't talking, and I thought, oh my God, she's mad at me because I didn't do what she thought I should do. Oh my God, I said something wrong. Oh my God, I don't know what I did.

Debbie:

And never reached out again, would you say that it created unnecessary emotional pain for you?

Deborah:

absolutely because I was mourning the loss of this friendship and then something happened. So that was, you know, around two, two, two thousand twenty twenty twenty one. And then, just here last year, something happened that I reached out to them I think I saw something on facebook. I reached out to them, I think I saw something on Facebook. I reached out to them and I said we are gonna get together and I was adamant about it. You've got to meet my new fiance, you know, blah, blah, blah. I think you guys would get along and we are and and and I was like what was going on? I finally asked them after we got together what was going on. I finally asked them after we got together what was going on. And he had cancer, she was super sick. And by me not still getting that clarity and that communication, first of all, I would have been able to support them, because I made the assumption that they didn't want to talk to me or they didn't like me anymore, and it wasn't that at all. So what's?

Debbie:

the lesson? What is the lesson that you feel that you learned? I mean, like I'm coming up with at least one, if not two, of what I see if that happened to me and in my life. But what was the lesson for you about that?

Deborah:

I guess not making assumptions. Okay, I mean, you know I made this huge assumption that cut me off from these beautiful friends of mine and you know, if I wanted to see them or I considered and valued their friendship, I needed to keep going until I knew what the. When I got to the root, to the truth, to be very clear as to what is going on in our relationship and in my marriage, I see that playing out the same way.

Debbie:

Well, hold on, we can go there in just a second. I want to just stick with the the lesson. When you said uh, the lesson is don't make assumptions. That is definitely one, would you say. The other lesson might be to ask, like reach out anyway and say hey, I've noticed, things are different, I'm just curious what's going on.

Deborah:

Oh yeah, so that's what I was saying, because what I did was just because I made that assumption. Then I stopped and I, you know. The next statement that I made is these are people that I value in my life. I needed to keep on reaching out, get the, get the clarity, get the you know, find out what is really going on and and finding out what their real motivation was and what my motivation was. And because I was, I was really emotionally upset every time I thought of them, because it felt like a new loss every time oh yeah oh my gosh, yeah, so it.

Debbie:

It's like for the audience. It's like when was the last time an assumption led you down an emotional rabbit hole? You know like when's the last time? Cause I know I can find my own, um, that, just like what you're saying, how each time you thought of them it was like just another little like stab in your heart, right Like this madness of loss, and that's challenging. So, wow, yeah, relationships are crazy, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship relationship, or a parent child or some other connection, family members, whatever.

Debbie:

It's like making assumptions is asking for. Can we call them problems? Emotional upsets is probably a good one, because we assume other people are going to, you know, act a particular way or be a particular way, and we have this list in our head and then it's not the same list that they have in their head and then when they don't do what we assume that they should do or feel then what they should do or say, then we feel hurt and, probably the worst part, um, we blame them like it's their fault that I feel the way I feel.

Deborah:

And you know what? Oh, go ahead, finish that. But I just had another thought, yeah.

Debbie:

Okay, the last part, and I'm pulling this from the book too. It says when we make the assumption that the other person knows what we want and they don't, this is like living in hell. Really, get that. Yeah, we're literally creating our own discomfort, and that's based on our our own habits, that that we brought from childhood with us into adulthood, that we're still playing out. I'm going to be bold and say if, if, if. Like I notice when I'm blaming or gossiping or making those assumptions, I'm starting to see them like oh, I'm doing that thing again and I've been seeing them for a while, but they're so and I'm moving beyond them, but they're so like powerful. Now I kind of go to the place when I go. I'm starting to outgrow this, and the reason I know I'm starting to outgrow this is because it's more painful and it's forcing me to pay more attention to it, and that's making me want to remedy this situation.

Debbie:

Right so did I talk too long and you forgot what you were gonna say, or do you remember what you were gonna talk about?

Deborah:

No, I haven't forgotten what I was gonna say, and this might be something that we can. I'm thinking that we may. This is a rich, rich, rich conversation and the one thing and maybe we do another episode on this the one thing that I was thinking about we've been talking about making assumptions about other people. The other thing that I'm thinking about is making assumptions about ourselves.

Debbie:

So are you saying we should do this one about other people and the other one about ourselves?

Deborah:

Yeah, I think so, because that is something that when you, you said that I'm like, oh, you know, and and I think one of the examples in the book was, don't assume that you can get a project done by yourself, yeah, or don't assume that you should do this. I would like to have that conversation next week because love that our episode, because there are some assumptions that we make about ourselves, that um and the relationship that we have with ourselves too, that provides that level of anxiety within us.

Debbie:

Yeah, more emotional pain. We're living in hell. So basically, I guess guess what we're saying is when we don't ask questions, oh, that would probably be for next week. It's like, why don't we ask questions? So I think we're going to save that one for next episode. I don't know why I'm saying, wait, but next episode, why we don't ask questions. Well, to other people.

Debbie:

Maybe we've come to the realization that it's not safe to ask questions. Maybe we come to the assumption that if they loved us, they would just want to know what we want or feel. I have a relative that does that says well, if you want to know about me, you should contact me. Um, and I my thought is, uh, or something in my life or whatever. My thought is, wow, that's, that's kind of like putting a lot on me, cause I don't, I don't know what's going on in your life, how would I know? But that is the feeling that this person has, which is very, very clear for her. It's very clear but, like she, truly, she believes that. Another reason why we might not ask questions is that we have a belief that we must be right. Why ask a question if I already know?

Deborah:

Right, and it's a risk, right, it's a risk sometimes to reach out and get that clarity, because what is that other person's going to? You know, what are they going to think when you're saying, okay, did you really, whatever? Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, there it's a risk that you're taking by stepping out and opening up the conversation.

Debbie:

It is because we this is this was so crazy. It is because we this is this was so crazy. One of the things is we fear that other people are going to just judge us right, like victimize us, abuse us, blame us the same way we do ourselves, and so we possibly I don't know if that is a hundred percent but we reject ourselves before they have a chance to reject us, and that because of that, I think that's just an automatic behavior. We don't really think about it. But because of that, how can you be authentic, how can you truly be yourself, if you're living in the fear or terror even that other people are going to judge you as much as you judge yourself Exactly, and wow, that's that's huge.

Deborah:

And the other thing that I'm thinking about, too is, you know, let's just think about, like my friends, if I would have just called them or whatever, and said, hey, what's going on? You know, we haven't been, and this is what actually happened. I called them and said, okay, we're getting together. What's going on? Here's what I'm thinking. And they're like no, now how would you feel if someone reached out to you with a desire to understand what's going on with you? That would improve the relationship and and and. Because my friend was like wow, I didn't know you were thinking that and yeah, I missed you too, and so I have a question though Were you thinking before you actually reached out to them?

Debbie:

were you thinking, well, why aren't they calling me?

Deborah:

Yeah, okay, I was. I was thinking, because it was so reciprocal before, it was like back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and then something just quit, Like all of a sudden they didn't call and you're just like I wonder why they're not calling.

Debbie:

And then it just got more and more thinking all of these other things right, and so then at some point I just sought to.

Deborah:

I reached out for understanding. I love that, yes.

Debbie:

You know my, when you were saying that, like I called and emailed and I'm not getting any response the the limiting belief thread that has been woven into my life and how it got there. I mean, I could go through all of that, but let's just say it's just, there is for me and if I will say, if you know me, for those that know me know that this is the thread that has run through my life, deb, don't matter oh, absolutely.

Debbie:

I like when you were saying oh, they didn't, I reached out, but they didn't come comment back or respond. That was like that.

Debbie:

I don't know if the radar or that like whatever that flag went up, like Deb don't matter, like that's immediately would have been and it's gotten better, better, better over the years, but that's immediately that thought, that assumption, oh, that is an assumption, oh my gosh, it is. It just made that connection, yeah, that assumption that Deb don't matter and it cause. If I mattered, of course they would have called me back and of course they would have emailed me back, right, therefore?

Deborah:

Right. Therefore, I'm assuming them don't matter. Yeah, that's good, and my assumption in that was that I did something wrong, I said the wrong thing or I didn't you know, and that was not it at all.

Debbie:

So the the bottom line was we didn't meaning them. Categorical, I guess you could say, response was basically we didn't call you back. We came back with you because we were dealing with some next level shit. Yeah, just it's so interesting, though, that they didn't, though it's still like that they would not have sought the friendship or they would not have wanted maybe you to help, or um, I do, I did ask those questions for that clarity.

Deborah:

Yeah, they were ashamed oh, oh they were ashamed of their sickness. Their illness, yeah oh, wow, you know? Um, yeah, she's always been so very strong, so very healthy. She swims, she goes to the gym, she does this, and she was just not wanting to deal with the fact that she couldn't do the things that we did together before.

Debbie:

Oh, oh my gosh, I do know that feeling when I get sick. I want to just crawl into a little ball. Yeah, I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't know if it's just because that's comfortable for me or, like your friend, I don't want to reveal, yes, yes, so I'd rather just kind of hunker down Is that a real word? Hunker, hunker down, and, and like I said, lick my wounds, take care of myself. Yeah, when I come back strong, I'm like oh, hey I was sick, no big deal.

Debbie:

I'm over it, you know and dismiss it. That's really really. I need to look at that.

Deborah:

Yeah, I mean, and that's again making those assumptions and making those assumptions about ourselves.

Debbie:

So I so what I thought was like a limiting belief which it is, deb, don't matter is a limiting belief, is also assumption and assumption. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna start come not comparing, but playing with those two concepts. Are they? Is that just this one time that they're the same or is? Is that, is it an assumption or a limiting belief, or is? Are those two one in the same? Because I don't know the answer to that.

Deborah:

Oh, that's a good yeah, that's a good conversation to have.

Debbie:

All right. Well, let's do this, let's wrap up this episode and the next episode will be like a carry-on and we'll talk about make no assumptions with yourself, and we'll also talk about whether assumptions and limiting beliefs are partners or just different words for the same energy. Yeah, yeah, I can also say that.

Deborah:

Woo.

Debbie:

Yeah, good stuff. Okay, all right, you guys. Well, looks like we got a second episode on this one. I guess we'll have to call them A and B, don't know. One in part, one in part two, um, but anyway, um. So, deborah, do you want to like?

Deborah:

take us, so I want to thank our audience for listening today. We are so grateful for your likes and comments and follows and, as always, we invite you to love and care for the zero in you bye.

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Debbie Pearson

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