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Welcome to the Shero Cafe podcast, a banquet of empowerment and self-discovery, a feast for the soul, to illuminate the shero in all of us. Come satisfy the cravings for your radical wellbeing. Revel in the rich and diverse spread of dedicated inspiring and empowering women on their journey towards greater awareness and self-knowing, as our episodes serve up bowls of insights, trays of stories, and vats of mindfulness. Just like a carefully crafted dish, we aim to provide a satisfying blend of inspiration and encouragement, enticing you to savor the flavors of self-awareness and self-love as you fill your platter full of self-respect, self-care, and self-worth.
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Debbie Pearson
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"Always Do Your Best" from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements might be the most transformative for those on a self-care journey.
When you truly do your best in each moment, regret becomes impossible. Your best today might look different from yesterday's—and that's natural. Some days you conquer the world; other days, getting out of bed is enough. This agreement invites grace, not judgment, for these fluctuations.
The guidance is clear: don't do less than your best, but don’t overdo it either. Perfectionism—overworking, obsessing, chasing impossible standards—isn't doing your best; it's self-punishment, often rooted in childhood beliefs about worthiness. True self-care starts when you recognize these patterns and choose differently.
The conversation explores authenticity, emotional triggers, and real self-care. Sometimes it’s yoga and smoothies; other times, it’s Netflix and Fritos. The key? Conscious choice over autopilot and self-judgment.
This agreement ties beautifully to the others, building a foundation for self-love. When you stop punishing yourself for perceived failures, it’s easier to speak with integrity, avoid taking things personally, and release assumptions. If you’ve struggled with self-criticism and perfectionism, this episode offers a compassionate path toward self-acceptance.
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Well, hello everybody. Here we are in this episode discussing the fourth agreement of the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and I loved this fourth agreement and I really can't wait to talk about this one. One of the things that I really loved about this one it's called the fourth word. Agreement is always do your best, and I never really quite understood that in the past, but what I'm realizing is, and have realized now for a while but it's like when you do your best, there are no regrets, there's no regrets. When you do your best, there are no regrets, there's no regrets. When you do your best. And you know, it took me a minute to realize that that means that you know your best could be different from moment to moment, because you might be, I don't know, sick or tired or something else is going on, but if you just do your best in that moment, but if you just do your best in that moment, whatever's going on, you realize, or you begin to realize, that you can't really judge yourself negatively. So those you know, blame and shame, guilt, self-punishment, all of that starts going to the wayside because you're doing your best and you're just, you're doing your best in that moment.
Debbie:
Now I'm going to say one more little thing and then, Deborah, I'm going to turn it over to you. But to be clear about what do your best means? It means don't do less than your best, but also don't overdo. Don't do more than your best. And I was like, what does that mean? But I realized I used to do that. I would come home from work every day. I was. It was like I had to have my place looking perfect all the time on the off chance that somebody might stop by, and that wasn't doing my best, that was overdoing and I was miserable because of it. But I found that this one was so impactful and that it brings the other three agreements, kind of like rounds them out, brings them together and makes them so much easier to do the work on Devorah, what did you think about this chapter?
Deborah:
I this. This agreement is one of my favorites.
Deborah:
And you know, the one of the reasons why I love this is it because is because it recognizes that my best today may not be what my best was yesterday or what it can be tomorrow, so it changes day to day, situation to situation. I really this resonates with me because there have been some times when I've looked back on a situation and said, you know what, that was not my best, that was not my best. Then I I'm in.
Deborah:
This agreement really encourages us to give ourselves that grace, right? So one of the biggest things um um about self-care is the challenges that we have in our society to be perfect. Now, we know that perfect doesn't exist, right? But we hold ourselves to standards that are not realistic, that we're going to be perfect in every moment and every day and every situation. And I love this agreement because it says do your best and really accept that your best and when, in any situation that you're in, and let go of that self-judgment that comes with that change in what your, what your best was yesterday, and when we learn to listen to our bodies and honor our boundaries and show up for ourselves with love, then we can really understand that in every moment in presence, that we're doing our best. I just love that. Love, love, love, love that.
Debbie:
I also love that it said do your best because you want to. That really stuck with me because it was. It was easy for me to measure like do your best because you want to. And the example that he gives is about how many people go to work every week and because they need the paycheck, want slash, need the paycheck, but they don't really love what they're doing. But then when the weekend comes they I'll just say, do things to escape, you know, drinking, drugging, shopping, whatever, maybe the thing that isn't healthy emotionally healthy for them, maybe not physically healthy, maybe the thing that isn't healthy emotionally healthy for them, maybe not physically healthy. And it's because I'm not saying it's easy to just, you know, quit your job or go get something else.
Debbie:
But it's because that person and I was that person at one point. I wasn't doing what I loved and I didn't go to work because I wanted to. I went to work because I felt like I had to. I had rent to pay and food, you know, whatever. So I just I thought it was really buoyant for me because it's like now that I do the work that I do, which has got a lot to do with self-love and it's got a lot to do with the skills needed to be able to love ourselves. This is one of those skills. It's like I love what I do, so I'm now really living this one out right, doing my best. But it's also a matter of if we're look I'm not trying to place blame or make anybody feel bad but if we're not really doing our best and doing our best because we want to, are we really being authentic, you know?
Debbie:
is that because not doing your best and again that's going to change from moment to moment that really denies ourselves the right to be who we truly are.
Deborah:
You know what I, I, I when, what, what, what I? Okay, so when you, when, when you were talking about, are we doing if we're in that job and we're not doing our best, you know, and we're deciding not, is it a decision and do we give ourselves grace in that situation or do we judge? So you know, and so by asking that question, I feel like we're judging whether we're doing best, our best, in that situation. The way and and you know, and I'm remembering when I was working at that job that I absolutely was just miserable at and I was doing the best that I can, and sometimes doing the best that I can is not giving everything to it, it's just choosing to just do what I can and maybe not giving everything I. It it's just choosing to just do what I can and maybe not giving everything I can. So that's what I'm hearing, and I don't know if that's necessarily what you're saying, but you know.
Debbie:
I think not quite I think not quite.
Debbie:
It was in the case that you're referring to. You felt you were doing your best, you were actively participating in a way that was I'll just use the words emotionally healthy for you. It was like you chose I'm not giving them this, I'm not giving them that, I'm holding that back or I'm not going to participate in that way. But that's like an active participation.
Debbie:
The way that it was described in the book was the people that go to work. They don't really give their best, but they're not really consciously thinking about it. They're just like oh, got to go to work, and you what they do, but aren't even taking into consideration what else is possible. And it seems like you took into consideration what else is possible for you as opposed to well, maybe this weekend I'll just get drunk, you know, like I'm not working, I'm not at work, thank God, I'm just going to like Netflix and Cheetos, whatever, and you know, just make it through and then have to do it again on Monday. And I think the difference would be being aware I'm in a job I don't like, but what am I doing during that time, and I'm consciously aware of that versus going through the motions without really paying attention. And so, if that's the case.
Debbie:
So that that's what I'm talking about, about not being authentic. If you know, to me you were being authentic for yourself, very authentic, and I'll even say, with a commend, you for a little attitude in there too, I'm not going to take this and I love that because we, we should respect ourselves like that, we should take care, self-care, self-love. In things like that it's when we're not paying attention and we're not doing what's emotionally healthy for us, but we're just succumbing to that situation. So that's more what I was talking about. So I don't know if that clarified.
Deborah:
I guess one of the things that stood out for me in this, in this agreement, this chapter about this agreement, is the focus on freeing ourselves from guilt and self-judgment. So you know, it's like, even if I'm not being authentic, I'm not going to judge myself for it. I'm just going to find a way. You know it's just meeting myself where I am and saying where I am is okay, no matter what. So having that awareness is just like another level, it's like a different thing to me.
Debbie:
Yeah, the word that he used because you said, I think, self-judgment, which is true, and the word that he used that really hit me was self-punishment, like by judging ourselves by, you know, maybe feeling some shame or guilt about something, but how often do we punish ourselves and don't even realize it just because we're repeating old tapes or patterns from the past. So I'm the impactful part in addition to it making to be an impeccable with your word and don't take anything personal and don't make assumptions when we practice. Always do your best it can be. And this was the self-love part for me, instead of me saying, oh God, I screwed up again, I'm so stupid, or whatever words we might say in our head, because a lot of people say negative things to themselves in their mind and sometimes out loud to themselves and not in public. But I was learning to say, like you know, I'm learning something new and that takes time. It takes time to practice it again and again and I know that I'll get better as I practice and that, to me, would be doing my best and being impeccable with my word. Right, so it's just combining those always do your best.
Debbie:
That agreement allows you to maybe screw up and go. Oh, just like you thought, am I doing my best? And then you like have to look at that. Or am I being impeccable with my word? Oh, I wasn't. I could have done better with that. How can I do better? And you know to always do your best, I think, is to say, maybe not in the moment, because we may not be able to, but to go later on and think about how could I have done that better, because I think that frame of reference is into our mind so that the next time it does come up, we've thought about it and now we can draw from that versus oh, it happened again, and it happened again, and it happened again because we haven't given ourselves any other options.
Deborah:
So yeah, and one thing that I'm I'm I'm wanting to bring forth too is I you were talking about. Sometimes, you know, okay, I'm deciding that I'm not going to do the thing that I'm going to do and I'd rather. You know, there's some behaviors that come from the judgment, right, like drinking, smoking, you know, isolating yourself. But one of the things that I wanted to bring forth as a self-care kind of nuance to that is sometimes the self-care might be, you know, doing yoga, going to the gym, you know, drinking smoothies, but the other day it might be laying around in your pajamas, practices that they take on as part of this. You know, okay, today is not my best day, today, I'm not, you know, my best may be just getting out of bed.
Debbie:
So true, you know, and don't't judge yourself, lean into it that's a really good point, because we're not in the same place all the time. Just, I mean, I would say, until like just a couple days ago, three weeks prior to that were these I don't. I want to say, the moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter was not aligning with Mars and I was miserable. I felt like like I could I would, you know, do the things that I normally do to like raise my vibration and bring myself out of it and I go, okay, my vibrations up, I'm feeling joy. This is awesome.
Debbie:
But the the I don't know. It was like somebody sprayed WD 40 on the slide. Man, I just slid right back down into this. I don't want to call it depression. It wasn't depression, but it sure felt not where I want to be. I'll say that I was like, oh man, what is wrong? Like why are you feeling this? And I didn't really have an answer for myself.
Debbie:
And so you know, the sofa and Netflix and Cheetos did sound good, I went for Fritos instead of Cheetos, but I really did do that instead of Cheetos, but I really did do that and I allowed it, like I consciously, I said you know what you're doing, right? And I was like yep, and I'm like, and this is what you want to do? I'm like, yep, and I'm talking to myself like maybe a little in my head, not out loud, but I'm like really choosing it. I'm like, all right, you get a day, you get a day, take your day, enjoy your misery, and but you know we can't stay here.
Debbie:
And it's like, yeah, it's true, and so, um, I don't know if that was truly my best, but I tell you it just felt like it, it just was okay. So I appreciate you saying that, because I don't have many days like that, but I do want to honor it when I do have a day like that. Um, yeah, I don't know, I um it it took a minute, but well, it took. It took many minutes and it took many days. I'll be honest, it did.
Deborah:
It didn't come, I didn't come out of it right away, but I did reach out, talk to people, um, and I don't know, um, I moved ahead and yeah, and that's one of the things that, um, you know, by allowing those moments, those days, whatever, without judgment, that is really completely leaning into doing, you know, doing your best and and just allowing your best to be just what it is and just be in presence with it. But one of the things that I, as a self-care you know, guru, whatever one of the things that I want us to do is to set up our lives so that we don't have many of those days where it just feels like I love, I love, love the optics of wd-40 on the slide I love you know, where we don't have the wd-40, on the slide, where we have set it up so that we have some things that are going to hold us, you know, like being in gratitude every day, attitude every day.
Deborah:
So having that self-care practice of an attitude of gratitude acknowledging the things that you do well, you know, I'm really celebrating the fact that I got my newsletter done in one day, you know, and I really like it. So, just acknowledging the things that you do well, it's just like the analogy that you give with a bucket of water, right, you know, and the more drops of mud that you put into the water, or even the other way, you have a little cup of mud or a bucket of mud and you keep throwing clear water, clear, clean water.
Deborah:
Next thing, you know, the mud isn't so muddy and you're seeing more water than mud or dirt, and so I advocate that we create a way to create a way, those things in our life that put water into the mud. So the attitude of gratitude, celebrating all of your little, you know, this morning I got up a little bit early and made up the bed. Celebrate that, you know, I make up my bed every morning and there are some mornings when I just say, you know what, I don't feel like making up the bed and I don't. But I'm just acknowledging those things that you do Well, acknowledge those things that are your best and those moments when you recognize, wow, I killed that. I did an amazing job with that Right.
Debbie:
Yeah, and I love that. He says always do your best, but no more or not not, I don't know which one. He says first, but it doesn't mean do less, but also don't overdo like, don't do more. And if doing your best and you feel like man, I am on this and I am rocking it and I'll put an extra two hours in, that doesn't mean I'm overdoing it. It's, I think, overdoing it. At least this is my interpretation.
Debbie:
Overdoing it is you're doing it for the wrong reason. Like I would overly clean my house, like I said on the off chance that somebody would show up and my house would have to be perfect and spotless, and people didn't regularly show up at my house would have to be perfect and spotless and people didn't regularly show up at my house. So why did I have to do that? That's unhealthy and I learned that. To do your best. Now my house looks lived in, so much more feels right for me and I just felt like I was overdoing it. But I now know why because I thought I had it to be. I had to be perfect. I you know, like the way I grew up, I thought, well, if I'm perfect, I'll be loved more or accepted more or whatever my thoughts were at the time, but I carried that with me and that was the unhealthy part. Once I figured out that cause, I did read this book. Like what did we talk about?
Deborah:
30 years ago or something.
Debbie:
Yeah, well, I was. Oh, my God, I am over doing this. I mean, I would get to the point where I would my blood sugar would drop because I hadn't eaten Cause I thought I had to do this other thing. So it's just not healthy, right, anyway. So, um, but laying on the sofa for me, giving myself the day, was like I didn't want to use the excuse. Well, this is my best for the day. Too many days, you know, maybe for some people it is their best and they are doing their best to just get out of the bed. You know, and I want to honor that as well, that that wasn't my situation. So for me to allow myself to do that, I, I, I just I just did it and I'm okay with it. So I don't need anybody to validate it or not validate it, and that's another awesome thing. I was being authentic to myself, and when we're authentic, we do not need others acceptance of what we did or validation of what we did. How?
Deborah:
are you defining authentic Because I'm? You're having a problem with that. Yeah, I am. I am Authentic can be many things. I just I would love to hear what, what, what you, how, you're defining it in this conversation.
Debbie:
Sure, and I hope I can give that to you. I just I know that when I say the word authentic, I have a certain I guess you'd say like a feeling, and I know what I mean. So let's see if I can explain it, and if not, I'll have to come back and be more clear. Authentic to me is actually, I guess, a lot of things. It's high integrity. I'm not doing anything to hurt another person. It's might not be the best for another person and they may be challenged by something I'm doing, but when I'm being authentic to myself, I feel like I'm doing what's best and right for my highest good. I don't know if that is clear enough, but I feel like if I kept talking that I would be repeating myself. But if you have a question, by all means, because other people All right, sorry, I just I was just feeling that.
Deborah:
And I what when I think about being authentic, feeling that? And I what when I think about being authentic? Sometimes my authentic self is all roses and sunshine, and sometimes my authentic self is bleepity, bleep, bleep.
Debbie:
I was going to say I wanted to let the audience know you were. Your mouth was moving, but no words were coming out. So I'm like what'd she say? It's going to be juicy. She's like I'm not going to say that out loud yeah, and, and, and.
Deborah:
I think both of those are authentic. You know I don't have to be this, yeah, so so my thing about talk about that.
Debbie:
Let's talk about that. Let's talk about. Let's talk about that authentic thing about if you are, you said blankety, blank, blank, blank, right. So if you're seeing that, give me just a little snippet of a situation. Something happened and you said that to somebody and you're being really authentic, that you were angry, like that kind of thing. Yeah.
Deborah:
I mean because I think I want to allow myself. I think what is authentic is expressing your full range of feelings or allowing or at least having an awareness of them. Um, today I was in a meeting with a meeting with someone and they said something and that kind of got my little you know, triggered me a little bit and I chose not to say anything about it because it was a business situation. I didn't want to have to open that up, but I was authentic with myself because I recognized what that person said, how it triggered me, but it didn't require me to say something to him to still be in my authentic self.
Debbie:
Okay, I am seeing how you're saying that you had a specific feeling and it was authentic for you, and that's totally understandable. My question would probably be is it in your highest good to indulge that feeling? Is what they did this trigger? Is this something that is offensive, like to everyone? Or is it more something that goes on with you, where it affected you but maybe other people weren't affected?
Debbie:
And for me, the authenticity comes with. I have to look at that. When I get triggered, I have to go. You know Debbie's, you know my thing, deb, don't matter. So if something happens and I'm like they triggered that thread for lack of a better word that feeling oh, like what? I don't matter Like that authentically? Am I feeling that way? Yes, like that authentically? Am I feeling that way? Yes, but is it in my highest good to not look at that and say what about? That is triggering me, that I'm negative? Energy goes back to that other person, but I'm not changing, I'm not looking at what I'm doing. That that's when what I'm talking about. How can I be authentic with what the feeling was and what do I do with it?
Deborah:
right. Did it make sense? Okay, because so like in that situation, I allowed that feeling, I acknowledged that feeling. I said this is what he said and this is why I was, I, I, why it? I I don't want to say it was as big as being triggered, but this is why I had the internal reaction to it. This is where the power is, this is where the self-care is. I had that feeling. I allowed that feeling to freely emerge. I looked at it with curiosity and then I chose. I chose what would be in my best interest at the time and what was in my best interest at the time. What was my best at the time was just to let it go.
Debbie:
Okay, that does not sound inauthentic to me, but I also am wondering if you, if that situation comes up again and again and again and you're not addressing why, is that, like you said, not a trigger, but an emotional, what'd you call it? I'm sorry, I want to say the words you used.
Deborah:
You said it created some kind of an emotional reactivity maybe, yeah, triggering or whatever, yeah, but see, but then that's. I mean I think we're getting away from the topic here just a little bit. I mean, we can, we go down rabbit holes sometimes, but that is the same thing that I'm talking about. Like you say, if it's happening all the time, if this person was somebody that I was in regular relationship with and it was happening all the time and I was having to, you know, respond in a way or whatever and it was happening regularly, regularly, maybe this is a person that's no longer in my inner circle, that gets moved out because it's my self-care. So the what is you know doing your best at the time is just allowing the feeling, noticing, making a decision based on your best interest, and then you know, and then moving on.
Debbie:
Okay, I like that. That feels right. And you know, do your always do your best and apparently you did your best and that was pretty good because you didn't interrupt the meeting, you didn't, you know, draw the attention, so that that was good. I am going to look at uh, a uh better definition for myself of what authenticity is, because I know what I mean by it, but I don't explain it very well, so I'll do that on my own. But I just want to say that that's me doing my best. I'm going to figure it out for myself. So thank you for that. So what do you think did we?
Deborah:
come. Well, I, you know, I, I debbie, I think we're coming to the end of this episode and, um, I just just wonder, I just wonder if you have like one big you know what's, what's, what's your thought that you want to share with everybody with this, with this agreement, what is you know? As far as self-love is concerned, I just love that self-care and self-love are just showing up big in this. But do you have one? Whatever? What do you think? What do you want to leave?
Debbie:
Yeah, Okay, so I guess my my nugget would be for always do your best includes always doing your best to with by and for yourself, in your words, actions, thoughts, choices, habits, especially how you speak to yourself. So that would be my nugget what do?
Deborah:
you have. I say ditto and I mean it's the exact same thing. It's you know, self-care is the same thing. It's just, you know, taking care of yourself and knowing that you're doing your best and giving yourself the grace for where you are right now, for being in presence. So, thank you, thank you, thank you, you guys, thank you so much for being with us and, as always, and and and as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shiro in you. Bye, you guys.
