Shero Cafe Podcast

032 - 3rd Agreement: Make No Assumptions - Part 2

• Deborah Edwards and Debbie Pearson

Share episode

Talk to us, Shero! Talk to us!

Assumptions and limiting beliefs might seem like similar mental constructs, but understanding their subtle differences can transform your life.

Following our exploration of the third agreement "Don't Make Assumptions" from Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements, we realized we needed to dig deeper into how assumptions differ from limiting beliefs and how both affect our daily experiences.

When someone doesn't return your call, do you immediately assume they're upset with you? That restrictive feeling in your body is your first clue you're making an assumption. But what happens when these situational assumptions reinforce deeper patterns like "I don't matter" or "I'm not important"? We explore how these temporary thoughts can calcify into persistent limiting beliefs that color everything we experience.

The neurological basis for these patterns is fascinating - our brains create neural pathways for thoughts just as they do for automatic behaviors like brushing teeth. Once established, these thought highways become the path of least resistance, explaining why breaking free requires conscious effort. Through personal stories about money mindsets and relationship patterns, we demonstrate how simple language shifts can transform restrictive thoughts into empowering choices.

The journey begins with awareness - noticing when you're making assumptions or operating from limiting beliefs creates space between triggers and responses. Rather than forcing yourself to believe the opposite (which often feels inauthentic), we suggest making subtle shifts in language that feel both truthful and expansive. For instance, transforming "I can't afford this" to "I choose not to buy this right now" acknowledges your agency and connects you to longer-term priorities.

Ready to identify and shift the assumptions and limiting beliefs holding you back? 

Connect with us - we're always here to help you create more freedom and sustainable relationships through conscious awareness.

---CONNECT with Shero Cafe---
Subscribe: www.SheroCafe.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shero.cafe.podcast/
Email: thesherocafe@gmail.com

---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
Let's Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.edwards.372
Self Care Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/624202641785785
Website: https://gratefulom.life/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahedwards-selfcarecoach/


---CONNECT with Debbie Pearson---
Facebook (personal): https://www.facebook.com/debbie.pearson.921
Facebook Group (Creative Self-Discovery Lab): https://www.facebook.com/groups/creativeselfdiscoverylab
Website: https://www.debbiepearson.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debbiepearsoncoach/

Speaker 1:

Well, welcome back to the Shiro Cafe. Oh, we're excited to continue looking into the third agreement In the book by Don Miguel Ruiz called the Four Agreements, right. So our last episode we did a deep dive into the third agreement and that one is don't make assumptions. Somewhere during that episode, deboer and I we started challenging like wait a minute, what is the difference between an assumption and a limiting belief?

Speaker 1:

And we went on a little bit about it, but we decided, you know what, instead of us guessing, we're going to get back to you. We're going to do a whole new episode about assumptions and beliefs. And are they similar, the same, different? What's going on with that? So, Deborah, you want to talk about a little something we found out.

Speaker 2:

Well, actually, yes, oh good, One of the things that we were talking about is that you know, when we're looking at limiting beliefs and assumptions, they are really really closely tied together, and a lot of time when we think about limiting beliefs and assumptions, there's a little bit of a difference, but both of them can affect how we are in the present moment. So throughout the day, you may notice that you make a statement that feels like a conclusion and we need to be able to identify that thought, to say you need to, but it helps to ask yourself is this about a specific situation that's missing some information or something? So then you're looking at making an assumption about an event that's happened, or maybe you don't have all the information, so it could be something else.

Speaker 1:

Okay, Before you go further, let's give them an example, because that feels kind of theoretical and I don't know about anybody else, but I know I would like to have something like tangible that I can like. Oh okay, I know what she's talking about, right, right, right. What might be something that might happen during the day where you begin to question?

Speaker 2:

like say, for instance, I that this is. This has happened to me before. You know where I made a call to somebody and I know this person is on top of their phone. They don't miss.

Speaker 2:

I mean, when we're together they can't even put their phone down to have dinner, to have a conversation, and so then I make a phone call, I leave a message, I text or whatever, and they don't get back to me right away, when I know that they're always like right on it. So then I'm like, oh man, I must've said something wrong, or they didn't like my message, or they're mad at me for something, or or whatever, and I don't know the information. And you know, and I've had that situation where somebody ended up being in the hospital and having to, you know, and they didn't have their phone with them, or they were at the gym. When I'm the gym, I don't, I don't carry my phone around with me. So, making that assumption and feeling bad, feeling like, oh my gosh, I must have done something wrong because I made an assumption about something that was absolutely not true, I can create a story in a minute so I know, I think a lot of us can.

Speaker 1:

Um. So what I'm hearing, though, is or what you know helping the audience to hear is, if something happens or doesn't happen, that you expect to or not happen, how your body feels like are you shutting down or resisting or shrinking, feeling bad about yourself, feeling confused or upset, like there's this I'm going to call it a negative energy I don't know if that's the right phrase to use, but it's, I want to say, the word restrictive. It's certainly an expansive, right? So if I feel restrictive in some way, like I wonder why they didn't call me back, like did I do something wrong?

Speaker 1:

All those kinds of thoughts and questions make it really challenging, and we are wondering about ourselves, right, as opposed to taking, you know, having that thought, but then challenging ourselves like wait a minute, do I have all the facts here? Ourselves. Like, wait a minute, do I have all the facts here, right? Is there something else that could be true in this situation? Um, can I clarify something? Maybe I'll withhold judgment about that and that feels immediately expansive, and I don't feel like I'm blaming myself. Um, so, looking for either? Um, proof I guess you could say no, not proof looking for a way to give yourself some distance where you're not all feel, all in your feels about it right step back that little bit and ask some questions about you know, like what else could be going on, or whatever that gives us.

Speaker 1:

I think we go from the body feeling like the heart area, to the head thinking, and that allows us to just process it a little bit differently. And after we've said, well, what else could be true, is there anything that might counter act what I'm thinking? Like well, you know, 10 times that I called, they responded immediately, and this is just one of those 11, right, it's one of 11, because 10 other times they actually did respond. So maybe something else is going on. So to look for that proof, I guess you could say that what I'm thinking is not accurate, even though it might be. You know it feels real. Does it make it so?

Speaker 2:

and then I think that even, just not even, because I think we go to that headspace right to just try to make sense out of what that is sure, and you know, and with this assumption, you know, don't with this, yeah, with this, uh, agreement, don't make assumptions. Just create the space and just even say I'm not going to make it. I see, right here I'm making an assumption, I'm not going to make an assumption, and then you create space between you and what that is that you're feeling based on those assumptions, you know. And then one other thing that I know, that you know, that I would love for you to describe a little bit more. You're really, really good at really educated on limiting beliefs and how limiting beliefs can affect that same thing. With that same friend I could say you know the same thing. Oh, people never, you know, people are always disrespecting me and never give me, never return my calls, and how can we really look at that a little bit more?

Speaker 1:

You know one of the things that it's a really good question too, by the way looking at that is going to take some time because you've got to find a pattern or a thread, or I like to call it the thread in your life. So it does take some time. Things have to happen and you've got to ask yourself what is it that I'm actually telling myself. So in that case that you just described my thread that has throughout my life and anybody that knows me knows this thread you know what I'm going to say. That don't matter.

Speaker 1:

That's right, because for, however, that became the mantra in my brain, I would receive what I'm going to call, in air quotes, proof. That wasn't proof, but to me, see, there it is again. I called and they didn't call me back. See, there's proof, but it's not really proof. Right, that's the assumption. So don't make assumptions.

Speaker 1:

So, in the case of whether it's a limiting belief or an assumption, the bottom line comes down to if, if there's a thought that comes in our mind and it could go outside of that, like I don't, I'm not special, I'm not important, I don't have enough time, I'm not worthy, I don't have enough money. I think you have a money story you can share in just a second. You know I don't have enough money. Whatever the thought is is to pay attention. How did it make me feel and what might be an overriding concept that keeps going through my mind all the time, and then we'll talk about after you tell your your story.

Speaker 1:

We'll talk about maybe flipping the script a little bit and shift away from that, because the way the brain works and I don't want to go into some like big, long story but there's a part of our brains called the basal ganglia. It's, it's, it's a memory center and so it stores memories, just like patterns and habits. So if you think about something like brushing your teeth, you don't really have to think about brushing your teeth when you, by the time you hit the bathroom, your brain has already figured out I'm going to grab the toothbrush with this hand, I'm going to unscrew the cap with this one, and I'm going to do this and the water and the whole bit, right it's. You don't have to think about it, it's an automatic behavior right.

Speaker 1:

But let something happen. You hurt your hand, that you brush your teeth with whatever you know, and that surgery, who knows whatever. And now you've got to use the other hand. Well, guess what? You still know how to brush your teeth, but now you've got to transfer information to the other side of your body and it feels weird. But if, for some reason, let's say, you broke your wrist and it's going to take six weeks, by the time that six weeks is over you can brush your teeth pretty darn good with that other hand.

Speaker 1:

The thing was, you had to, like, create new neural pathways, to create another memory center, another automatic behavior, so that now you can automatically do it with the other hand. And that same concept of disempowering beliefs or assumptions, or limiting beliefs holds true for us with thoughts like Deb don't matter, because the pattern of somebody doing something and I'm interpreting it that way will filter that same way in my brain. It will shoot right down that neural pathway to the Deb don't matter canal. It's just on its way and it takes off and it's like see, it's true, true, true, it's true, true, true. But coming back again, I'm gonna let you tell your story about money.

Speaker 2:

It's, there, is a way to shift that, so that you can move from a limiting belief into something that's empowering, which means moving from restrictive feeling and restrictive energy to something that feels more expansive and I think, you're going to demonstrate that in your and I want to just stick with your story for a moment too when you're talking about moving down that Deb Don't Matter path, right, that affects your relationship, that affects your response to whatever it is, whether someone was, you know, whatever they intended, it doesn't, it doesn't get through. Only thing that gets through is Deb don't matter, and you respond to them in that way.

Speaker 1:

Oh, and I'm upset and nasty and mean and you know, hurt and well, I think that's the bottom line. I feel hurt and the way it shows up is well for me. You know, hurt and well, I think that's the bottom line. I feel hurt and the way it shows up is well for me. You know, there's the fight flight freeze, but for me it's the fight, like, why didn't you call me back? Right, that's the fight. For the flight person, it would be like I'm just not gonna reach out to them anymore, like they want to back up. The freeze person is going to be like I don't know what to do. Yeah, what to do so? Yeah, there's, there's a variety of ways that we can respond to it, but knowing that we're, we're doing something that can be changed, shifted, altered, by one becoming conscious of it and a couple a little bit more there. But then number two is to replace it, right, right so that.

Speaker 2:

So let me get my little right here, right now so, um, one of the things that I wanted to do in the past is I wanted to really, um, I had a big, a big amount of debt and I really wanted to pay that debt off. And so I was deciding that I was going to make a decision about every purchase that I made, to decide whether it was something that I really really needed to make. Very empowering decision, right. But I found that every time I came to a decision point I would say I can't afford it. I just can't afford that, you know. And so that was a wish, and every time I thought about that, it made me feel like I was more powerless.

Speaker 2:

I was being punished for the decision that I made to pay off this debt. I was being punished or denied, or whatever. Pay off this debt, I was being punished or denied, or whatever. And so at one day, I thought about that and I said, wow, you know, I doesn't feel good to say I can't afford that, you know. And so what I decided to do is to change that one little phrase to from I can't afford this to I choose not to buy this right now. So much more empowering because I then connected with what it was that I wanted to do, that was in my best interest for the long term, is to and I probably need to make that decision again but to quit making those like little, you know, immediate, stupid purchases because they satisfied me in the short term and really look at my long-term benefits. So just changing that little phrase even made it more empowering for me to make those decisions, because then I didn't feel like I was punishing myself or denying myself to make that decision.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, exactly, you know, human beings don't like to be told what to do. Uh, enslaved, if you will it's. It's a like a suppression. But we love choosing because now we have the autonomy and so say, even when we tell ourselves, you can't have that, you know, I can't afford that, it is another way of saying I can't have it Right. And to choose to change the word to I'm making a choice, and the choice is I really don't need that.

Speaker 1:

I mean, maybe I wanted it or it'd be nice, but I really, you know, don't, so I'm going to choose to leave that here. You know, if I wanted it, it'll be here another time. That is empowering. That is expensive and just changing that little bit. So you just shared with everybody how to shift away from a limiting belief and turn it into something that matters to you and that works for you.

Speaker 2:

Right. And that's a really, really, really big deal too, I want to share is that you don't wake up one morning and then have that ability to shift those things. No, it is a practice and it is something that you learn, because obviously the first thing you have to do is just have is to bring that awareness to yourself, absolutely, to have that awareness. That's like the first step, right. And then after that, then you can decide what to do with it and you can practice, practice, practice, practice.

Speaker 1:

Yes, the thing about becoming aware of it is you also get to be aware of how often do I say these things which is like saying, wow, how automatic is my thought process right and it's taken a look at if I'm saying those words.

Speaker 1:

I can't have it or whatever. How often. So this is like an automatic behavior, like for me. Even though I did not know the Dev Don't Matter thread was in my life. I didn't know that for like I don't know 63 years or something like a really, really, really long time. I just thought everybody else was wrong. I just thought everybody else shouldn't behave that way. Isn't that crazy?

Speaker 1:

Six decades later, I realized, oh, it's me Like assuming something again, assuming and limiting belief that that person did that thing, because I used. I used to think, oh, they're trying to impose on me, oh, they're trying to take away my time or my energy or my focus, or something like that, like, like it's their fault. But once I really understood what was happening, whoa the freedom that came into my life, because I was no longer feeling like I needed to put this protective bubble around me to protect myself from everybody. It was more like it got to the point because, like you talked about, you got to notice it. But practice, practice, practice. Like there it is again, there it is again, there it is again. It got to where I could say, oh, wow, there it is again.

Speaker 1:

I cannot believe how often this shows up for me and then be incredulous that it that, that, that it happened so often and really dominated my life, but that it just doesn't anymore, and so that has been like the best thing. So becoming aware of it a lot, repeatedly, becoming aware of it, but also taking that time to say, well, if I don't want to have that thought, how do I shift it to a thought that does make sense or that matters to me. So I thought maybe we would do like two or three to just help people get a sense of what that may feel like, even though we've kind of talked about it just put it together here, okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1:

So let's go back to the first thing, where it was like I made a phone call and they didn't call me back. You know, again, the, the pattern is to say you know, there may be something else going on and maybe it's not. That they don't like me, right? Maybe it's not, deb, don't matter, maybe they got something going on, it's got nothing to do with Deb. You know, because I began to realize how self-centered I was, like meaning in my own world and everything revolves around me when really it doesn't. But that was the. That's what I began to see for myself in what I was doing.

Speaker 1:

I know that people can't go from or it isn't going to resonate if they think, oh, I'm, I'm bad at this and I'm just going to go. Oh, I'm good at this. So for me it was sales and marketing. You know like, oh, my God, I'm terrible at sales and marketing. I'm terrible. And it's like, well, if you keep saying that that's what's true, right? It's like, oh, okay, well't, do the polar opposite. Try doing something like instead of I'm terrible at it, say you know, sales and marketing is new to me and I'm learning it and I'm getting better, the more I learn. That feels real to me because that was a true statement.

Speaker 1:

I was learning it and I was getting better at it, but you know it was very challenging, so it was easy for me to fall into that. So how can we speak the I don't want to say the opposite, but how can we shift away from that limiting belief and say it in a way, so that's empowering, because empowering doesn't mean the opposite. Empowering means I feel better when I say this other thing. And it's true, right? So I feel expansive in that moment as opposed to restrictive.

Speaker 2:

I think that there's not a formula, there's not something. I think that one of the things that I do is when I'm in that situation is that I just stop and think about it, feel it in my body. You know, understand that I'm, that I am feeling this in my body and just say to myself what would be a more empowering way to think about this? Even just asking that question? That means that I'm not going to that. That resonates with me. I'm not going to go directly to that opposite oh gosh.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we have to be careful not to go the opposite. Yeah, unless it's true, but probably isn't, you know?

Speaker 2:

um, okay, so and this is one of the other things that you had outlined before is asking a couple of questions okay, is this helping me or holding me back? Yeah, you know what's a more empowering way to think about that? So, like that money story for me, just asking myself that question, I was able to come up with a quick little phrase that I could stay and say instead of I can't afford this.

Speaker 1:

And did you? Like I want to. I'm going to just say the question and then I'm going to like alter its life. Like how did you know to say that Right? Like that's the question I want to ask. But it's like life, like how did you know to say that Right? Like that's the question I want to ask. But it's like, did you have training in figuring that out or did it just come to you and you're like you know what? That felt really good. I'm going to say that from now on, like how did it come to be?

Speaker 2:

That was so long ago. I don't, I can't. I think that, yes, I do think that, you know, I've been a lifelong learner, landmark education, going to those types of things where it is about awareness and being self-aware, and so I think that we can do things to allow ourselves to gain the tools that's going to help us when those situations come along Right, and it's not just like, okay, here's the formula that I got from over here, it's a building of those practices.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think we're doing that right now. Today, like you know, there may be a lot of people listening that know how to shift out of a limiting belief and um, but for those that don't, this may have been cause. You know, it takes us like 12 times, or whatever the number is, to hear the same thing over and over and, over and over again. This might be their 12th time and this might be my reminder.

Speaker 2:

I mean you know, I mean you may, you may know, and then I may have a discussion with my husband and go oh, I just made an assumption. So, even just listening to this, I'm thinking about okay, where am I in my life right now where I am making assumptions and how can I turn those around? Because we know that once we get in clear and we're not making those assumptions and we're not really leaning into our limiting beliefs, then we're creating more sustainable relationships as well. Yes, even if it's with the lady that I am dealing with right now to try to get my insurance benefits. You know, if you're not making those assumptions, you can have an open space to get the outcome that you want and space to get the outcome that you want.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, I think that that's absolutely true. Well, I think that we have really talked about a lot and we've only just breached the surface. It goes way deeper and there's so much more to it, but it's also that simple, you know. It's like. You know there's a phrase and it says ain't nothing to it if you know how to do it, but what they don't tell you have you not heard that before?

Speaker 1:

Not like that I am. I'm sorry. I'm remembering somebody from a long time ago. It was the craziest thing. I'm not even going to get into it, but it was ain't nothing to it If you know how to do it, that he just kept saying it over and over, but later on it occurred to me ain't nothing to it If you know how to do it, but if you don't know how to do it, you know, and it's, it's challenging, and you know sometimes you don't even know the words, how to articulate what it is you're trying to find and figure out, right? So again, we did talk about a lot today. You guys I know Deborah and I are always willing to help you out. All of our contact info is in the description in this episode. Please feel free to reach out and we'll be happy to help you if you've got some kind of limiting belief or can't figure out how to shift out of it.

Speaker 2:

So and always as always, we invite you to love and care for the zero in you. Bye.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Debbie Pearson

Host