Shero Cafe Podcast

038 - You Don't Need to Be at Everyone's Table to Matter

• Deborah Edwards and Debbie Pearson

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Talk to us, Shero! Talk to us!

That quiet ache of feeling invisible—we’ve all felt it. You’ve done everything for everyone, but somewhere along the way, you started disappearing from your own life. You’re present, but not really seen.

In this episode, we talk about what happens when the roles that once defined us shift—parenting, careers, caretaking—and suddenly, you’re left wondering where you fit. Many women search for belonging, only to find themselves in spaces that technically fit, but feel... off.

Through personal stories and powerful metaphors (including a nod to Shel Silverstein), we explore the truth: the missing piece isn’t out there. It’s you. Your self-permission. Your real, unfiltered presence.

Like swapping out uncomfortable heels for spring-y, sparkly sneakers before a big presentation (and delighting in it)—it’s those little acts of self-honoring that build true belonging.

You get to decide where and how you belong. The question is: when will you stop ghosting yourself?

If you're interested in the 3 Reflective Questions mentioned in this episode, click the link to get them now:
https://mailchi.mp/fad75bbbeab2/sherocafeepisode038


Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.

#womenempoweringwomen
#youmatter
#makeadifference


---CONNECT with Shero Cafe---
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---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
Let's Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.edwards.372
Self Care Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/624202641785785
Website: https://gratefulom.life/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahedwards-selfcarecoach/

---CONNECT with Debbie Pearson---
Website: https://www.debbiepearson.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debbiepearsoncoach/
Email: deb@debbiepearson.com

Deborah:

Welcome to the Shero Cafe. Take a deep breath, pour yourself something warm and settle in. Today we're talking about that quiet ache, what it feels to be left out, even in your own life. Maybe you've shown up for everyone else, kept the schedules, met the deadlines, made sure the people in your life that you love are okay, but somewhere along the way you started disappearing. You're in the room, but you're not at the table. If this hits home, you're not alone. If this hits home, you're not alone. And let me remind you, if you haven't already subscribed and liked this podcast, please do so. It is so important to us and it helps us get our message out there. So let's go.

Debbie:

All right. Yeah, it is very interesting how many women I hear talk about that feeling of invisibility and it's like we do everything for everyone else and then all of a sudden there's that feeling of like what about me? You know we feel loss and you know, once the kids start getting out of the house and the career settled enough where we're not, you know pushing for that next thing of the house and the career settled enough where we're not, you know pushing for that next thing, it's like I don't know. It feels like I'm, you know, like we're missing something, like we're not really that fulfilled anymore. Or maybe I should say, what used to fulfill us isn't there, like the kids right, or the job pursuit, whatever the kids right, or the job pursuit, whatever it. All of that has come and gone, so it makes it like very challenging and almost painful.

Debbie:

So I know a lot of people kind of go out, start looking for groups to hang out with. You know who can I be with and what can I do? I I remember having that exact same situation where I was looking for, I don't know, my people, my tribe, my group, whatever, and I just felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. I mean, yeah, you went to different meetup groups. I you know this was a while back, so facebook wasn't quite as popular then um, and but it's like how, like how do you find people? And then you find people and you're like, yeah, no, it's like that, it just doesn't feel comfortable.

Debbie:

And so like we're feeling lonely, we're feeling like we're a bit unwelcome in different places, or you know that it's not the right group for us. And I remember thinking or maybe I heard it and I'm just remembering it but somebody was like it's like being the puzzle piece in the wrong puzzle and trying to fit into that piece right, that puzzle piece right, and not really feeling like you belong there. Or it could be like your puzzle piece will fit in there but it doesn't belong to that image and it's just not good for you. Could be like light and bright and flowers and you've got like a foresty scene or something, or maybe I don't know um house, it just doesn't work. It's like the piece fits in there, like they let you come in and they're not holding you back, people are nice, but it just isn't working Right. So what was said to me was you know, maybe there's a better puzzle for you, maybe your piece will fit in a different puzzle.

Debbie:

And it was like I remember at the time for me it was very challenging, like I wasn't enjoying where I was, I wasn't enjoying the people and their ideas and their philosophies. And so, you know, I was thinking like you know, what do we do today, how do we perform and be in, in a way. So it was like trying not to ghost ourselves, trying not to make ourselves wrong, maybe even building your own community. Uh, dvor, we were talking about this a little bit ago how, wow, we are actually building our own community and realize we didn't even realize we were doing it that this episode fits so well. But just real quick, and I'm going to hand it over to you, I was wondering like what, what do you? How do you? What do you build your community on? And it was like authenticity, what do you really care about?

Debbie:

And somebody sent me a Tik TOK video on this woman who actually hers is entitled the we Don't Care Club, so it's not what they care about, it's what they don't care about. What's interesting about it was her and her friends got together and were kind of like talking about things that they just don't care about anymore. This is like menopause and perimenopause and stuff like that, and it was just sort of for them. But she started making the videos and more and more people started watching these videos and it got bigger and bigger and bigger and she kind of freaked out a little bit and it got bigger and bigger and bigger and she kind of freaked out a little bit. It was like it got too big too fast and she said I ran away.

Debbie:

Like she didn't know what to do with all that attention. All of a sudden she said people know my name and it was just very odd to her. But what was beautiful about it was she was able to regroup and see that's the puzzle piece that she'd been looking for. She really does fit there and it's it's hysterical. I mean. It is such. It's so adorable and so poignant and so real life that I laugh every time I watch it. She's just that good, but she built her own community, or her with her friends, whatever, but they built their community and it's just fabulous.

Deborah:

So you know, and when I, when you were talking about that um puzzle piece, it brought to mind. I don't know if you read the book the Missing uh Piece by Shale Shale Shale Silverstein, and it's a story. It's like a story of this little boy who's trying to find his missing piece, right, and what it ends up talking about, or what he ends up finding at the end of this story, is that there is no puzzle that he needs to look into. That's going to be the perfect piece to fit into him, right? What?

Deborah:

And this is a hundred years ago that I read this. I think I was still in high school, so, but what it's talking about that through this journey, he realized he doesn't need to find a missing piece. He doesn't need to find a puzzle to fit in. He doesn't need to find somebody else or another community to fit into him. What he realized is that the journey was within, so he didn't have to look outside of himself. He came to the awareness that he looked inside of himself, created his own puzzle, created his own environment, and that allowed him to be whole, no matter where he was.

Debbie:

Oh, that's beautiful, I know.

Deborah:

Cause, even if the piece you know, like you were talking about these different puzzles even if he didn't fit in that puzzle, he still showed up in his wholeness and his authenticity. It's been a hundred years since I read this book, but I remember to me it was so profound because I mean, at the time, I know, I was like 16 and I was thinking I'm going to find the love of my life, the missing piece of my life and all of this, you know, and and and. Now, when I look at it, I have an expanded view of that. You know, the missing piece is is, is not outside of me. What I'm looking for is that wholeness and that authenticity inside of me. So I don't need to be invited to the table. I deserve to be at any table wherever I am whole, honest, authentic and leading with love.

Debbie:

You know exactly, I like totally agree, and it's a matter of getting there. That you know, like knowing that that's what, how you want to live your life, and then taking all those little steps that help us to get there. And it reminds me of I don't remember who this was, but I remember the story. There was a man that went to a wedding and he had on like shorts and a Hawaiian shirt or something crazy, that everybody else was in black tie. You know, they were like all dressed up and there he is like, and somebody said like what, what are you doing? He's like what do you mean? And they're like you know, this is a black tie wedding. He's like okay, and they were like don't you feel out of place? He's like no, I feel comfortable in what I'm in, and it was.

Debbie:

I just remember thinking wow, to be so comfortable in your own skin that you could go to a black tie affair in a flowery Hawaiian shirt and a pair of shorts and feel fine, like not worry about being judged, not worry about what other people are saying behind your back, not worrying about, you know, if somebody likes what you wear or not, but to know that you are whole however you are, and it just I just thought it was this like really good example of how I would like to live my life. I'm getting closer but I haven't been there yet, you know.

Deborah:

Yeah, but then you know you have it within you, you know that you have, you know, I think that sometimes we forget, we forget to validate ourselves, we forget to recognize the power within ourselves, we forget that we have to see ourselves before anyone else can see us. And so waiting for that recognition, that inclusion, that permission, is exhausting, it is. And if you can just let yourself be, and it takes some work, it takes some understanding, it takes some um, I would say, some self-exploration, some self-discovery, self-love, self-care, absolutely able to put yourself in the position to allow that to emerge.

Debbie:

Definitely I was. While you were saying that, I was thinking what if the missing piece is us giving ourselves permission? You know, I'm saying the missing piece like a puzzle piece. You talked about missing piece, but that missing piece of giving ourselves permission to be authentic, to not have to contort ourselves or apologize or perform in a particular way so that other people accept us. And I don't know. Like you know, we're never going to be able to have everybody understand us. It just the world just doesn't work that way, but it seems like we try right.

Deborah:

Right, right.

Debbie:

Maybe if you understand me then you'll like me and whatever else is going on on the inside. So we do have to consider ourselves. You know we all matter, but we don't all matter to all people all the time. Right, that's the thing. But but ourselves, that's, that's like the big thing.

Deborah:

So this is saying that you know like we don't matter to all of the people all of the time, and be okay with that. What is reminding me of is junior high school and high school Okay.

Deborah:

And you know how you had all these different cliques. I was in the swing choir. I was in the choir, I was in the music department and all of the popular people were over here and you're like I don't want to be a popular person, I don't want to be in this popular group, I want to be in my swing choir group. We do things that that I enjoy. We go to ice cream after a concert, we do all. And just to have that awareness, you know how easy it is just to be who you are instead of trying to fit this puzzle piece, fit in this puzzle, fit in this group, fit in this thing. Just have an awareness of who you really are and what makes you feel good and where you need to be sitting.

Debbie:

I love that you had that awareness in high school. I had no awareness in high school. I was so numb emotionally like I couldn't figure anything out. I was outside with the you know the druggies and the people drinking alcohol at 10 o'clock in the morning. That's where I was, because I didn't fit in anywhere else or I didn't think.

Debbie:

I did, or I didn't know how to, and so I did this other thing and, um, you know, I grew feeling that numbness and what I finally came to do was be on this search, right. So I was looking for something, looking for a missing piece. I guess you could say, um, I was trying to fit my piece of the puzzle everywhere and it wasn't working. But in time, as I did, learn how to love and accept myself, how to care for myself, how to take care of those things, like it's amazing how much freer I feel, how much more wide open the world is to me now.

Debbie:

Because, I'm not like the guy that wore the Hawaiian shirt and the shorts to the black tie. I am way closer to that, because it wasn't so long ago where I did like this talk and I was on stage and I was miserable putting myself together my clothes. I remember that you do, yeah, yeah, I was miserable and I couldn't hardly concentrate on the speech. And I remember that you do, yeah, yeah, I was miserable and I couldn't hardly concentrate on the speech and I kept messing it up and replaying some of those old, you know thoughts. You know you're not worthy, you don't matter or whatever, but having to get beyond that.

Debbie:

And somebody was at my house and she says, debbie, those, are you comfortable in those shoes? And I'm like, no, not really, but you know I'm going to be on stage and women wear heels. And she's like, yeah, no, why don't you try something else? And, um, I just happened to have a pair of tennis shoes that I was I put on because I had to run around with those clothes on. But I had to run around and, um, I ended up having a pair of. I loved, felt very comfortable in the tennis shoes with all the rest of it the slacks, the jacket, my artsy jewelry you know, it was like I had all those things but the shoes. It was crazy how much that made a difference. And then I ended up wearing sparkly gold tennis shoes.

Debbie:

I love those tennis shoes, and I did too. And I tell you I'm not a flashy person, I am not somebody who's like, look at me, look at me. It's just never been my thing at all. But when people say I love your tennis shoes, like wow, look at those shoes, it's like I am surprised, first of of all, that they say anything about anything I'm wearing. But you know that they say it and it's like I'm like, oh, yay, yeah, and it's weird.

Debbie:

There's like this little bit of belonging for just that moment, right, like my piece of the puzzle fit in right there in that moment and I thought about getting all, all colors of sparkly tennis shoes at one point. But that was a little overkill. But it was like, yeah, it was an interesting thing to go through, but it was once I became myself, once I was super authentic and I didn't mind wearing the clothes I was wearing because they felt so comfortable. I'm wearing the clothes I was wearing because they felt so comfortable. That was the thing. The shoes did not feel comfortable. I thought I had to. I wanted to fit in, I wanted people to accept me and then, however it turned out, I was authentic to myself and I put those tennis shoes on and it was like when I got to that place to do the speech, I just felt like I had it. I wasn't concentrating on the pain in my feet, I wasn't concentrating on slipping on the floor nothing like that it was amazing, very amazing.

Deborah:

So I love that. I love that story, and, and, and and. What a way to end our today's episode.

Debbie:

We are.

Deborah:

I just love that. You know how we have moved from knowing that the puzzle is outside of us and then just the journey within, and I love that story. It's so true because however we present ourselves or how we show up for ourselves with our self-love and self-care really informs what our experience is.

Debbie:

So yeah, yes, absolutely. So I guess I would like to leave the audience with the statement that you have the power to define where you belong and how you belong and who gets access to you Like you don't have to let everybody in right and how you treat yourself in the process. And so, as a little bonus, um, we would like to offer you some reflective questions and, in order to get those, just go into the description.

Deborah:

we'll have a link there for you and, as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shero in you. Woo-hoo, bye, see you guys.

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Debbie Pearson

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Deborah Edwards

Host