042 - The Art of Self-Forgiveness: How to Stop Punishing Yourself for Past Decisions

Imagine carrying a backpack full of rocks—each one a regret, each one a moment you can’t stop replaying. The weight grows heavier the longer you cling to it, even as you shift it from one shoulder to the other. At some point, the question becomes: how much longer will you punish yourself before you finally set it down?

In this episode, we dive into the art of self-forgiveness—the practice that frees you from dragging the past into your present. When you stop punishing yourself for choices made with the knowledge and resources you had at the time, you reclaim your personal power and open the door to deeper healing. As one anonymous voice put it, growth is learning, not perfection. Every version of you—flawed, messy, growing—was necessary to become the person you are today.

We’ll explore practical ways to forgive yourself, whether you prefer examining each “rock” one by one or laying down the entire backpack at once. The path isn’t about perfection but about compassionately noticing when you’ve strayed from your values and gently coming back. As Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us, “Always do your best”—and your best will look different from moment to moment. Forgiveness is how we honor that truth and expand our capacity for self-love.

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Chapters

• 0:33 Welcome to the Shiro Cafe
• 1:06 Shifting the Lens: Honoring Past Decisions
• 2:31 Forgiveness as a Form of Freedom
• 6:03 Different Paths to Self-Forgiveness
• 10:00 Growth Through Self-Compassion
• 14:52 The Power of Self-Forgiveness
• 21:32 Honoring Your Journey and Final Thoughts

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:18

Well, hello everyone. Um welcome to the Shiro Cafe. Uh before we get into our topic, which is really cool today, um, if you enjoy our content, please be sure to hit like and subscribe. It helps more than you know. We are deeply grateful to you because it is your support that helps fuel our mission. And that is showing the world that change begins from within. And when we learn to love and care for ourselves, that's when the change happens. All right, let's go ahead and get into it. Go, Deborah.

SPEAKER_01: 0:51

Hey, y'all. So today's episode is about shifting the lens, moving from self-punishment over past decisions to honoring them as part of your growth journey. At its core, it's about forgiveness, self-compassion, and reclaiming your personal power. You reclaim your personal power. You do all of these things by recognizing that every version of you was necessary for who you are today. Debbie, why don't you share with our audience your inspiration for today's conversation? Oh, I'd love to.

SPEAKER_00: 1:27

Um, first of all, I would love to give credit, and I don't know who wrote it. So right now it's anonymous. But it was a meme I saw on Facebook, and it went like this it says you can't keep punishing yourself for choices you made with the knowledge you had then. Forgive yourself now. Growth is learning, not perfection. Be kind to the person you were, because without them, you wouldn't be the person you are now. And I just think that is so beautiful.

SPEAKER_01: 2:06

You know, I do too. And you have you heard, uh, you know, I and I this just comes to mind for me. Those people that are on their deathbed at 92 that said, I would not change a thing, I would not do anything different in my life. And that's how I feel right now. I've had some bad things happen. I've had some, you know, things that I didn't enjoy. I've had to make some decisions that were not maybe necessarily the right one for me, but that informed me. And that led me to something else. And that led me to something else. And every single time I I believe that even when I made mistakes, it led me to something that benefited me or added to my life.

SPEAKER_00: 2:54

Um, like that, it's so beautiful to live your life in a way where you evolve to that point. It is so beautiful. And one of the things that uh I teach uh my students is self, well, we say patience, compassion, forgiveness, and gratitude. But I like to go a little bit slower and say self-compassion, self-patience, self-forgiveness, and we'll come back to that, and self-gratitude. We're intimately familiar how to be grateful about all these other things outside of ourselves. And I'm the encouragement is to also find ways to be grateful for yourself. I think when people get to a place where they can learn self-forgiveness about some of the things that maybe they did in their past. Like when you said um about the 92-year-old or whatever, I wouldn't change a thing in my mind, like nothing, you know, you wouldn't change anything. Like, I'm like, I can count a few things that I would change, things that I've done, but also things that other people uh quote unquote did to me or what felt like I was, you know, was being done to me. But freedom, I'm sorry, forgiveness is a form of freedom. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So if you know, being able to forgive ourselves, a lot of times people think that's a weakness and we need to be tough and not, you know, give it up, right? But when we can like release those chains of regret, it's like you're able to move forward lighter and stronger. You don't have that heavy weight holding you back. And I I've likened it to like a backpack full of rocks, you know, like if you every indiscretion or whatever, you're putting a rock in your backpack and your backpack's heavy, it's full, it's this big bag. And after a while, it's like your back is killing you. So you move it, you know, to the side, the right side. Like after a while, you got to move it and you move to the left, and then you move to the front, and you keep moving it around. And maybe you even get a friend and you're like, hey, can you help me carry your mom bag with me? And you walk with a friend and they're carrying it with you. And at some point, they're like, enough of me helping you carry this heavy bag of rocks, and they leave and you're still carrying them. And it's like, at what point, at what point do we begin to take a look at those rocks, right? And being able to look at those rocks and go, ah, this rock here, I'm gonna forgive whatever this rock is and leave it and keep moving and get another rock and forgive. And that it's like to me, that's how that 92-year-old gets to being able to say, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm not there yet. But you say that you've gotten there, and I I love that for you.

SPEAKER_01: 6:01

Yeah, and I think one of the reasons is because I don't reach for the rock and pull it out of the backpack and say, I forgive, right? I just uh put the whole backpack down and say, Listen, as of this moment, I forgive, you know, all of those, you know, things that you're holding on to that you could have done differently. Because every time you'll pick up one of those rocks out of the backpack, I feel like you're you're adding energy to it again. I want to just drop the energy off, acknowledge them, not acknowledge, you know, not ignore that the rocks are even there, acknowledge them that there are many of them, and there are probably more rocks than can fit on a backpack in my back and in my past. So it feels better for me to just say, as of this moment, I am advocating for me, I am caring for myself by putting this backpack down, being grateful for it. Thank you so much, Deborah. You made all of those decisions. They the those things that you did brought you to where you are right now, and let's just move forward. It's just a different way of thinking of it.

SPEAKER_00: 7:20

Yeah, yeah. No, I and I love that because there's different people in the world. I mean, just like we learn differently, some people are audio, some people are visual, some people kinesthetic. I think we forgive in different ways as well. Um, like for me, it kind of feels like re-looking at that rock is kind of honoring my past self. And in a way, it's like instead of shaming myself for who I was, thanking myself for surviving it, for trying, for doing the best that I could, for moving forward, for getting to where I am, and now I can put it down. For me, that feels better than your way, but I love that way for you.

SPEAKER_01: 8:02

And that's and you know, and that's what I teach my clients when I'm doing coaching. And it's it, and here's a perfect example. For me, it doesn't feel good to sit around and recapitulate and all of those things and to say, okay, this rock did this, this rock did this, you know, okay, Deborah, you know, you wore that short skirt when you were 13, you know, forgive yourself for that. It it just doesn't feel good for me to do that. Um, and I know it's a little bit more deeper than that, you know, but yeah, I'm not I'm not saying we sit down and reminisce about everything.

SPEAKER_00: 8:41

I think it's when it comes up as a strong emotional something, and it's like, oh, there this is that thing again, and then I can identify it and I don't know, maybe acknowledge that's what was, and that's not how I want to live, and then move forward. It we may end up be doing the same, or we end up at the same goal. The the top of the mountain, there's many, many paths to the top of the mountain. Ultimately, it's about forgiving yourself however it works for you to forgive yourself, right?

SPEAKER_01: 9:13

Well, I think I think actually you have something there because um, you know, I think that there is some value of looking at it if it comes up, you know. So, like, I'm not gonna go out and seek all of those things, but you know, if it comes up, because one of the things I I noticed about it was so funny, I was having to make a decision about waiving somebody's well, about I'm not gonna give the details, but I had to make a decision, and uh my first response was a no, no, no, no, no, nobody, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And what I realized when I stopped is the reason it was such a hard, cool no that I didn't even have to breathe and think about it is because I was harboring resentment from a year ago. Oh, you know, and so to be able to have that awareness to say, dang, this is kind of a you know, a strong response to something that really doesn't deserve a response, you know, to that degree, what's going on? And just listen and say, Oh, you're giving yourself for this, you know, okay, forgive yourself now, let it go.

SPEAKER_00: 10:36

So let me ask you a question has has it always been like that for you, or have you evolved to be able to do that?

SPEAKER_01: 10:44

I have had to evolve to be able to do that because uh for the longest time it was strictly a reaction, right? I would just react and then deal with the consequences and not have that um emotional intelligence that allowed me to have an awareness of anything else but what my reaction was. Yeah, and so I think that you know that there's different things that bring us to that point, but and one of them is uh having that um taking that journey of self-awareness and self-care, and even just bringing yourself, just giving yourself the um chance and the space to be able to do those things, but it just doesn't happen. You don't say, okay, today I'm gonna forgive myself, and it, you know, it's a journey, right? Oh, really?

SPEAKER_00: 11:46

So it sounds like um, and I think for both of us, it's like there's this growth of self-compassion and the understanding of whatever happened in our lives, and that fuels the transformation because I'm pretty much there as well, where something does come up, and and now I can be like, oh, there's that thing again. It's like it's not like oh, I've already dealt with that and I can't deal with it anymore. I mean, if it's a strong emotion, and I'm gonna go ahead and share this. I um this this this has come up for me recently. I had a lot of difficulty in my life with my mom, and anyone that follows me knows that story, but we'll just leave it at difficulty with my mom. Um and I went through a lot of therapy and coaching and all kinds of stuff to finally come to a place where I forgave my mom. Like I get that she did what she did, she didn't really know what she was doing. That's just how she functioned in life. That's very challenging because I also can admit that doesn't mean it didn't hurt very badly and create some really gaping wounds for me. But those have kind of pretty much scarred over. But what I want to say is the I guess the part for me is it came up again and for it came up again as as some very, very painful energy. And I was able to just sit with it and be very compassionate with myself, love myself, and kind of understand that I was kind of uh in grief. Like I was she hasn't passed away, she's still with us, but there was a death of the mom I always wanted, right? The a death of the idea. So even though I I thought it was a done deal, well, I I forgave her. I don't have all that hate in my heart, but there was a piece that I hadn't. And so now going again through some forgiveness is but it's it's it's forgiveness for myself. It's to just unchain me. I'm not trying to forgive or forget or anything her, because it's not about her anymore. You know, it's about me and how am I going to handle the sadnesses that come from within. Because we can't change other people. Period. Like that's a full complete sentence. We cannot change other people. We absolutely have that personal power to change ourselves. And if we don't know how to do it like on our own, find somebody like you, Deborah, with self-care, like me, with self-love that can help to be able to facilitate that transformation for you. Because that is where freedom comes from, emotional freedom.

SPEAKER_01: 14:55

So I'm I'm I'm listening to this story, and I've got a question. So, and and this is the coach coming out on me in me for me. Please do have you forgiven yourself for your part in the situation with your mom? Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_00: 15:15

I know, I know. I mean, so okay, let me be serious. Have I forgiven myself for the situation? Uh how did you say it?

SPEAKER_01: 15:25

For the have you forgiven yourself for your part in the the relationship with your mom?

SPEAKER_00: 15:37

As the adult me, I have forgiven myself for the adult me situation. I don't know how to forgive the child. Not forgive the child. I I just don't think there's anything to forgive of the child. Like I'm having a difficulty with what is there to forgive. I mean, a ch I'll just use myself. I'm a child in a home that I'm I don't want to use the word victim, okay, but it's like I'm at their mercy, so to speak. I have to do what they say. So what hell do you think?

SPEAKER_01: 16:16

I'm talking about as an adult, the the actions that you've taken are not taken um with your mom. When I was young, or as an adult, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 16:32

Those feel like two really different energies to me. One living under their roof and one when I'm on my own.

SPEAKER_01: 16:39

Yeah, so I'm talking about on your own. Okay. I'm not talking about under the roof. Under the roof, you were a child. Yep, you didn't, you know, whatever. But I was fighting back. I know that. Well, you should uh well, I won't say that, but um, you know, I know that you know there are some things that I think about myself, like when my father came to live with me when um, you know, when after my mom died and he was ill. And I, you know, after he died, I kept thinking, oh my god, maybe I should have gotten him to the hospital sooner. Oh my gosh, maybe I should have forced him to do this. Oh my god, maybe I should have shoulda, shoulda, shoulda, you know. We're gonna shul the shoulda, shelve the shoulda's, and just forgive yourself for it. So are if there are any actions like so I'm gonna just let that go. That's what I'm talking about. I see. Um, and so forgive myself for anything that I think I may have done wrong, even it may not have been wrong, it's still holding in me.

SPEAKER_00: 17:46

Yeah. I mean, when you were saying it, I kind of sensed maybe some potential guilt. Like, if only I had done things differently, maybe there would have been a different outcome. And getting to the point of recognizing um that I didn't do anything wrong or not do anything right. It it is it is just the way the situation played out, and I forgive myself for however this landed. And like that, yes, I feel like I have forgiven myself for those things.

SPEAKER_01: 18:20

Okay, because the the specific part in the meme that we're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot all about is that you can't keep punishing yourself for choices that you made with the knowledge you had then. Oh, I love that part. Yes, you did every single that, every single decision that I made, I was loving daddy. I was doing what I knew was the best thing to do, and and and I know that. And you know, yeah, there was some guilt, but I know I was doing the best that I can with what I had to work with.

SPEAKER_00: 18:56

So you know that now, but you had that that feeling before. Do you you feel like at that time you weren't sure there was that the guilt or or not knowing, but you've come to understand that what you knew then, this is from that quote, right? So who you were then, what you knew then, you did the best that you could. Right. So that that brings up the the Don Miguel Ruiz and the four agreements for me, where always do your best. I think that's not right. Always do your best. And I love that agreement. I make that agreement with myself every single day. Well, now it's just immediate. I know that when I do something, I always do the best that I can in that moment. And as a reminder, the my best changes from minute to minute, day to day. How am I feeling? What else is on my plate? Am I doing the best that I can do? Not as an excuse, but what I love about it is the recognition that if I always do the best that I can do, I don't regret anything. Like I just don't because I know I did the best that I could do.

SPEAKER_01: 20:04

And that exactly. And you know, and it's not just forgiving yourself, it's just, you know, because there's nothing to forgive in that situation. When you keep punishing yourself for a choice, there's nothing to forgive. You made the best choice that you could make with what you had to, you know, to make that choice with. So I I I definitely I love that about that meme. It is because we punish ourselves about so many things that are even actually beyond our control.

SPEAKER_00: 20:37

So this episode is really about shifting the lens and moving from like self-punishment to like over past decisions to honoring them as part of our journey, right? So at its core, this is about forgiveness, self-compassion, reclaiming your personal power and recognizing that it's like, oh my God, if you really think about it, there's version, version, version, version, version, version, version of ourselves in every minute, much less over periods of years. Like we are we are recreating as we go, iterations, whatever you want to call it, we are reinventing ourselves. The the objective, I don't want to say the challenge, though sometimes it is, but it's to always move toward what is that North Star we have. And if the North Star is self-care, self-love, self-respect, self-worth, we just have to look because we're gonna weave. That's weave, but are we on our way to our North Star, to that end goal, like what you put in the GPS? Or have we detoured and we're kind of going the wrong direction, right? And then reroute. Reroute detours happen, right?

SPEAKER_01: 21:58

Right. You know, like that situation that that you know that I had to respond to that woman, and I'm like, no, no, no. You know what? That's me stopping and saying, whoa, and then rerouting, yep, rerouting on a direction that's more aligned with my heart, with my values, with what aligns me with the rest of the world, you know, how I want to connect with the rest of the world, and that's the mission. So, Debbie, great conversation today. And audience, thank you so much for stopping by the Shiro Cafe. Please come back and we invite you to please click that like button and subscribe to the Shiro Cafe so you can stay informed and help us on our mission to spread love and self care. And as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shiro and you. Bye.