Shero Cafe Podcast

044 - Your Power Begins Where "Should" Ends

• Deborah Edwards and Debbie Pearson

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Talk to us, Shero! Talk to us!

The roles are loud, but your reflection doesn’t have to be quiet. This episode opens a real, practical conversation about showing up for yourself without stepping away from the people and work you care about. From redefining enough to unlearning old expectations, we explore how to move from automatic reactions to values-aligned choices—so you can keep your peace and your power at the same time.

We dig into the everyday moments where agency is won or lost: saying yes when it serves the bigger picture, saying no when it protects your energy, and noticing how resentment fades when you own your decisions. Through stories of motherhood, workplace pressure, and invisible expectations, we unpack how language shapes truth—when “I get to” empowers, and when it doesn’t.

You’ll leave with a simple framework—awareness, choice, skills, and support—and tools to practice it: using curiosity instead of self-criticism, running quick emotional resets, and making small, consistent choices that rebuild self-trust. If you’ve been the reliable one for everyone else, this episode helps you become reliable to yourself. 

Follow the show, share it with a friend, and tell us—what choice will you practice this week?

Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.

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#youmatter
#makeadifference


---CONNECT with Shero Cafe---
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---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
Let's Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.edwards.372
Self Care Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/624202641785785
Website: https://gratefulom.life/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahedwards-selfcarecoach/

---CONNECT with Debbie Pearson---
Website: https://www.debbiepearson.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debbiepearsoncoach/
Email: deb@debbiepearson.com

Debbie:

Well, welcome everyone to this episode of the Shero Cafe. We hope you guys are doing well. Um, this episode, we're going to be talking about showing up for yourself.

Deborah:

Okay.

Debbie:

Because so many of us, we show up for our families, our work, our communities. We carry, lead, support, hold it all together with grace. But somewhere in that middle, all that doing, it's like your reflection has gotten a little blurry. This episode is about the woman behind the roles, the heartbeat beneath the responsibilities. It's about shifting that mirror back towards you. Because not because that you've done anything wrong, but because you finally realize your reflection matters too. So this isn't about pulling away from others, but it's about coming home to yourself. Because when you see you clearly, everything else starts to align. So, Deborah, what are you thinking?

Deborah:

Well, I mean, I'm thinking a lot, right? I mean, that is so absolutely true. And it's really interesting how in different moments we can just lose ourselves, you know, whether it is someone that we're with, and then I don't know how many times, you know, not so much lately, but still part of the, you know, when you're looking at a situation going, why did I do that? Why, you know, why didn't I allow myself to show up? Why didn't I advocate for myself? And in so many of those situations, we in order to support somebody, we feel like we have to give it up from ourselves. And so I have seen many, and and I was in a situation last week where this is something that that I did. And but having that awareness allowed me to choose. So instead of having that be an automatic reflex, I could say, you know what, I'm not going to argue with this person. I'm gonna go ahead and say yes with this person because it's still in my best interest to say yes, even though it is not exactly what I want, but to be able to have that freedom to to choose. So, you know, in the in the past, without having that clear understanding of where I'm standing in the situation, I would have said no and I would have been pissed off for the rest of the day, you know. And so by being able to choose, then I know it's my choice. I can let it go or I can choose to re, you know, to bring my voice into it. And so that feels really good to me because uh there was a long time, especially when I was working at a certain corporation, where you know, it was just like, I don't give two rabbits' butts what you think. You better keep your mouth shut. And so I got to a point where I just kept my mouth shut. And it just stayed in my body, stayed in my body. And then I had to get to the point where I recognized that, have the emotional intelligence to recognize that. And and there was some forgiveness involved because I would always go, why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell him what the truth was? And then I would beat up on myself for not doing that, and I had to forgive myself for not in that moment doing that, but then actually looking at it with curiosity and saying, Oh, this is why you didn't say anything. And so then that prepares me for the next situation like that, where I can again make the choice. So I am choosing not to say anything because I know what this consequence is, or I know what this consequence is, but I'm choosing to make this choice for myself. Knowing the consequences, that gives me the power in the situation. It doesn't abdicate my power.

Debbie:

Absolutely. It is so interesting when we don't even know when that we have a choice, how it does affect um our psyche, our body, every every aspect of our life, because we're kind of maybe running on an automatic pilot or a habit or something that maybe we were taught. But as you say, the power that comes from recognizing that as an individual, just being on this earth, we are enough. Now, most many people think, no, I'm not, right? They're gonna challenge that. But the truth of the matter is we are enough. We just may not be what someone else's enough is. And then if we like gauge ourselves according to someone else's definition of what me being enough is, I may never ever be enough. So, how do we look inside of ourselves and say, how am I gonna be enough for me? What makes me enough? And I know that there were times when it was very frustrating. Like I was a mom and my purpose was taking care of my son. And and and you know, that involves all the running around and making sure the doctor and the cooking the food and healthy, but I mean there's just all these things. But it wasn't my life, but it was my life, but I was taking care of this other human being, which was beautiful and wonderful. And I also did find it challenging at times because I maybe I'm not even sure the right words. It took away from me in a way, because I did not know how to have both. I didn't know how to care for myself and care for my child and know that that I could take that time for me. So there were struggles that I had. But then it was also the stuff at work where it was me thinking that I have to be a particular way. Um even as a mom, I have to, I have to cook all the meals, I have to do the thing because that's what happened in the house I grew up in. So I'm what is that, like a generational or whatever thing where it's like I'm rolling over those traditional roles onto myself unconsciously, just because I was the wife, therefore that means, and I just assigned it to myself. No one said you're gonna have to do this. But eventually, um, of course, they grow up, you know, and put you at work, and maybe you feel that same pressure, like I'm this particular type of employee, therefore I have to, when no one's even given that to you. But then there's also the times when someone does, whether we're working for ourselves or for someone else, tries to give you something that you're like, uh, hold on just a moment. We come into our own, we feel, and I I wanna, I'm sure most people listening understand the word power. It's not about power over anybody, it's just about power with ourselves and being able to um recognize that we're as important as everyone else, right? And keeping that as a uh forefront thought so that when we do go up against an energy that's not working for us, how to handle that in a way where it's not an argument or a fight. Like you told this woman yes, but you did it from a place of maybe I don't particularly care for that, but the end result suits my needs. So I'm gonna say yes to her.

Speaker:

Yes, exactly, and it's so interesting, and and and and it's true, you know, that um we have the power to, and I'm not even forming in my head what I'm trying to say. We have the power to create our existence. So, I mean, not sounding woo-woo-woo-woo, but you know, when I said earlier, um, I in the past I would have just been reactive and and not come back to myself to ask myself, curious curiously, what is going to be for you in this moment? What's gonna be best in it for you in this moment? And so then if I can recognize what is best for me in the moment, and I make that choice, then I am creating my life right there, right? So I'm creating that I want in my life to be love and light and peaceful and and just you know, not stressful at all. So I'm choosing the path that's gonna not, I don't have to, you know, give up any of my values, right? Anything like that, but it is in such a decision that I can make this choice and keep my peace. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Debbie:

Yeah, that's honoring yourself. You know, you're doing you're saying yes, or maybe if it was no, whichever one it is, you're coming from a place of um clarity, knowing what you want, what you would like your end result to be. And you know, I it's like I guess there are people that are so good at it, they can just do it at the moment. I'm getting better at that. I'm not all the way there yet. Sometimes, sometimes I can fly through all those thoughts really quick. They can nanosecond through my brain. For the most part, I usually will stumble and then I go home or I take time, whatever, think about it, and then it all seems to come together. And it feels like the more I do that, so I guess I would call that like consciously being aware of it, uh, having some experience about how to go through that and that knowledge, and then maybe consciously practicing is where I want to go. So having some knowledge about it, um experiencing something, because we don't learn on theory alone. We gotta have crap happen to us, it's so annoying, but we've got to have discomfort in order to grow, right?

Speaker:

Right.

Debbie:

I do not know who designed this scheme, I don't like it, but it is the only way that it happens.

Speaker:

So you know, and but go ahead, but the other part of that is you know, I and and I've seen this happen in my life so much, where I would be in that moment, and then I would just like not react in a way like that. So then I'd go back and I'd look at the situation, I talk to some people that I cared about, that I trusted, and then I'm like, okay, this is how it could be done differently. But by doing that and and and um in in and going through those um recapitulations and and and really looking at it with curiosity, like I said before, when that situation comes up next time, the solution, the ability for you to connect with yourself becomes more available. You've got to yeah, right, because you've done it before, and you've already done it, you've set the stage, but I will tell you that same woman I had different interactions in the same day, and it wasn't available to me. I did get pissed off, but I was able to release it, so it's a practice. So you're not gonna be perfect, you're there's no polyperfect in this world, but there are more moments where you can have that availability, and it's just like everything else baby steps. Yep, every skill, the more you practice, the more it's available to you.

Debbie:

I agree with that. It's like if we think about almost anything we do in life, that formula is correct. It's kind of like you learn some steps, you practice them, and you get better. Now, I would say that that applies to everything except people driving, because I think that people do not necessarily get better with their driving they've been doing it for a while. But um, I mean, just think about the artist, the musician cooking meals. When's the first time you cooked a Thanksgiving dinner or even a scrambled egg? Like, what do you do? Right. And now it's I don't know about the Thanksgiving dinner part, but the scrambled egg, I got that pretty down pat. Um, but anything we do takes some practice. And when we have those frame of references, that's what I was pitching in, adding to that. We can draw from that, and that gives us more guidance. Is that the right word? It gives us more. I was gonna say ammunition, but that's the wrong word.

Speaker:

Yeah, I always say that it informs you. Good one. I like it. It informs you of what your, you know, what your future actions are gonna be, or could be, or could not be, because exactly, yeah, because it can give you both sides of it.

Debbie:

Like I would use it that for this situation, but not for that situation. So again, choice comes in. Choice is amazing. Choice is so amazing. How many times do we say I have to? I need to, you know. Um, I remember. I should, I know. I said, don't should on yourself, right? It's like, and so it's like oh wait, wait, wait, I gotta share something.

Speaker:

I'm gonna interrupt you, but good. I had somebody, I was in a I was uh a speaker at a conference this two weeks ago, I guess, and we were talking about shoulds, and someone said, put those shoulds on the shelf. And I loved that, you know. Yeah, you know, we carry around all these shoulds, put them on the shelf, they're not doing any good, or better yet, um, put them in the fire pit.

Debbie:

Okay, and like if those work like that, like do them. I also like to say change the word to get to. I'm honored to. I'm blessed to be able to. So let's say I have to take the kids to school, I gotta cook supper, I gotta go to work. What if I'm I get to take the kids to school? You know, what if I feel like I was sick and now I get to go to work? Like I am not unwell. It may not work in every situation, but just replacing uh a need to, like, I need to cook supper. How about I get to cook supper? Because now I can cook healthy foods for my family, versus I need to and now I'm frustrated because I wish I'd have known this a long time ago because I used to use those words all the time. Like, why do I always have to be the one that cook cover, you know, and just being frustrated with it? But had I known that, it would have literally made my life so much. Uh, I don't want to just use the word happier, although that's a true statement, uh emotionally freer because I I I felt trapped in in some ways where changing that word would have helped me to feel more free. Because at that time I didn't think that I mattered. My reflection didn't matter. What was going on with me didn't matter. I showed up, I was the show-upper, shower upper. I did the things, I took care of everything and everybody else, and it was for the family, and it was at work, and it just felt like the community just felt like I just was do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do all the time. But I didn't take care of myself, and that was one of the things that was the big thing. That was the big missing piece. Yeah, great to take care of. Nothing wrong with motherhood or going to work or any of that stuff. Yeah, we don't take the time to also put ourselves in that mix, that's where burnout, overwhelm, all those uncomfortable. I'm not worthy. If I was worthy, I would be able to. Somebody would say, Hey, let me wash the dishes, you go take a break. That's not how it works, though.

Speaker:

You know, one of the things that I'm hearing that I disagree with is, you know, when you were saying turn around from I need to to I get to, you know, that to me can be erasing yourself too. So so let me just tell you about like I don't take out the trash. And so since Patrick has been having his surgery, I've needed to take out my own trash, which I've done this my whole life, right? And then just since I've gotten married here lately, you know, I don't take out the trash. And so I still don't like taking out the trash, and so now I'm taking out the trash. If I say I get to take out the trash, I'd be lying to myself.

Debbie:

Well, then use that, yeah, use that, but how about it's really nice that I can take out the trash and Patrick doesn't have to worry about that? I can do that for him. Well, it's just redefining it, and and one phrase isn't gonna work in every situation, but do you feel better? That's what it's about, and I'm not asking you specifically to answer it, but it's like the way I would look at it is does it feel better to feel annoyed? Like, oh, I gotta take the trash out, or right feel better to think I'm so happy I can do this for him, right?

Speaker:

Like it's just a different energy, yeah, and that's what I do, you know, and it does get overwhelming sometimes, and I have to just slow myself down. But for me to just say, again, right, making a choice. I hate taking out the trash. I could say, I am so upset because I have to take this trash out. I'm just key teasing when I say I had to take out my own trash. I'm just teasing, but like, or I can say, like you suggested, well, I'm so glad that I'm able to support my husband, this person that I care about, and do these things, you know. And so, yeah, it's it's again that choice, that choice.

Debbie:

You know, sometimes it's it's fun to play, you know, having that you you kind of put on a face and and and you kind of changed your voice a little bit, like, I'm gonna take all the trash. It's like that fake, whiny, whatever, you know, like you're like because you let me literally like maybe feeling a little bit sorry for ourselves, or you know, having our own little pity party. Why we like that? I don't know, but I do that too. We all do. I don't know about everybody, but you know, a lot of us do that where we're like um whiny, whatever, it but it's not really real, you know. You're not like literally crying because you gotta take trash out, like a horrible thing. Um, but we were just trying to relay a point, so yeah, right, exactly.

Speaker:

But it it but in in real in in in for reals, for reasons, you know, those things can again inform you.

Debbie:

Yeah, absolutely. It's all about choice. Yeah, like how do I want to feel? And it's not, I don't know that we can um you know do an eye dream, a genie blink or a bewitched nose twitch, and and things are just wonderful, but are there moments that we actually can look at something and and with just a a decision, a choice, shift our energy? Like absolutely. I was at a a seminar and um oh what's her name? She wrote the book E Square. And it's about energy, energy square. I can't remember Pam. Oof, I don't know. I'll I'll try to put it in the in the description. Um, she wrote this book and and it was really good, but it's about all the different ways you can test your own energy. I don't mean strength, but I mean like planting some plants and speaking to half of them or not watering the other half or whatever. So those kinds of things you can watch, energy, what your energy can do. But at this conference, um she basically said, we're gonna test the theory. And she's told everybody, like, how are you feeling right now? From one to 10, how are you feeling right now? Everybody writes their little number down. And then she says, Okay, put all your stuff on the chair, stand up, put your stuff down. She goes, Now, I want you to pretend that your team that has been working so hard has just won the biggest championship that they've ever won. And I want you to run around this room and high-five everybody, because everybody in this room is on your team. And she got it's all fired up, and we're running around like a bunch of maniacs, screaming, belly bumping, high fiving, I mean, it was crazy. And then it was time to sit back down, and it was like on a scale of one to 10, how you feel? It was like 12. It was astonishing, and it was like that was very poignant moment for me. I was like, wow, I experienced that difference in my energy just from deciding this little experiment of my team won, whatever, but of course, with a whole bunch of other people. Um, I think energy is contagious as well. So it was like a whole thing, but um oh, where were we for?

Speaker:

But you get to create, yeah, I but you get to create that for yourself, yes. So that I I think that um we're getting to the end of our time here today, but I think that the one thing that I, you know, want to bring out is it's that awareness. Yep. And that awareness always, you know, I always say that awareness is the first step. First, you have that awareness, and then you have that awareness that allows you to come back to you. And then the next thing that you have is the ability to choose what's best for you, exactly.

Debbie:

It's when the person can't figure that part out. That's when you reach out, that's when you, meaning listeners, if you can't figure out what's best for you, that's when someone that is can help you build those skills. Because it's a bunch of skills, this group of skills that we learn about who we are and how to take care of ourselves and love ourselves. That again, it's knowledge and information, but it's also consciously practicing them. That's what makes it get better and better and better.

Speaker:

Brilliant, brilliant, yeah, lovely, well said, and um, so I want to thank everybody for joining us today and invite you to please, please click that like button and subscribe to the Shero Cafe so that you can stay informed and help us on our mission to spread love and self care. And as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shero in you. Bye! Bye.

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Debbie Pearson

Host
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Deborah Edwards

Host