054 - The Pause That Changes Everything

The most life-changing part of emotional regulation is not a big breakthrough. It is the microscopic moment most people miss — the pause between what happens and how you respond. When you learn to notice that sliver of time, you stop riding the reaction roller coaster and start making real choices instead of saying something you regret, shutting down, or handing your power to someone else’s mood.

In this episode we share what that pause looks like in real life, including a surprisingly intense situation that triggered overthinking and a familiar freeze response. We explore why the same situation can trigger one person but not another, and how capacity, nervous system safety, and practice change what happens in that moment. You will also hear simple body signals to watch for and one grounding question that can shift everything: What do I need right now?

Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.

#womenempoweringwomen
#youmatter
#makeadifference

---CONNECT with Shero Cafe---
Subscribe: www.SheroCafe.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shero.cafe.podcast/
Email: thesherocafe@gmail.com

---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
Let's Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.edwards.372
Self Care Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/624202641785785
Website: https://gratefulom.life/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahedwards-selfcarecoach/

---CONNECT with Debbie Pearson---
Website: https://www.debbiepearson.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debbiepearsoncoach/
Email: deb@debbiepearson.com 

Transcript

Welcome And The Tiny Pause

Deb 0:18

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Shero Cafe. You know, many of us move through our days reacting quickly to what happens around us. Today we're going to talk about that small pause between what happens and how we respond. And we're going to learn how to notice the moment that can quietly change everything.

Deborah 0:43

I love this. I love, love, love, love this topic, Debbie. It just reminds me of something that I always say, you know, that everything, everything, every possibility begins with awareness. And you know, that pause is that awareness because that's where possibility. I know you said this to me earlier. You know, that's where all possibility lives in is in that awareness and in that pause that comes with that awareness.

When Fast Words Hurt People

Deb 1:13

Yeah, people have a tendency to notice their reactions, like, oh, that makes me so mad, right? Like we know when we get triggered, but then what? Then what do you do? Right? Typically, our bodies take over and we are just off on a roller coaster ride where we're not really in control anymore. Yeah, absolutely. So the challenge for most people, and I that includes me at times, um is still, um, but I can't believe how far I've come. But the challenge is not just in the noticing of something triggered me, but in that tiny, tiny moment between being triggered and what comes next.

Deborah 2:03

Yeah. I you know, one of the things that I think about is how many times when I've like something has happened and I've reacted and I'm like, oh, that's not the way I wanted to react to that, or you know, oh man, I shouldn't have said that, or you know, and and one of the things that it's so funny is um my sister used to always accuse me of, and you know, is that when someone said something or did something, my response was immediate and it was mean. And I could just leave somebody standing naked, and it may have been somebody that I care about or somebody that I love or somebody that I wanted to continue a relationship with, and I'm like, oh, you know, I hate that about myself that I do that, and that's not something I like about myself. But then when I learned about the pause, that's where the opportunity is to do something different.

Deb 3:01

Absolutely. It's and the pause is it's not just knowing that we have that pause, it's having the pause and being able to stay present for that moment in what how we notice it, right? So it's like we get triggered for in different ways, right? Everybody gets triggered in a different way. And what we'll talk more about uh we've talked about um uh signals that the body gives us. But for right now, we're just referring specifically to the pause itself. We get triggered, and then there's this moment that is almost imperceptible or imperceivable until we know it exists, and then then we can start uh uh noticing, oh, that was it. And we get to choose, and it takes a minute for us to really get good at it, right? But we get to choose do I want to react in the same way I always have, where I often don't like that I act that way, or am I going to choose something different? And we'll talk about what's different later. But you know, that's that it's so such a tiny, tiny moment, but it's a critical, yeah, critical moment.

Deborah 4:26

Mm-hmm. And and and I love, you know, and you know, one thing it does take a lot of practice, and you know, and we're human, so it does still you still sometimes move past the pause, you know. But the more that you practice, it's a practice, the more that you practice, and a lot of times the way that I move to the practice to being able to recognize the pause is by just, you know, like I said, some of those situations where I just left somebody naked, you know, with my words and saying, Oh, I don't want to be that way. That's not who I am. Just looking at those situations and looking back and seeing if you could remember when the pause could have come.

The Squirrel Trap Trigger Story

Deb 5:12

Yeah, it's we are always going to start that in hindsight. The thing, the, the incident's gonna occur, and then we're gonna be like you were left with, oh my gosh, look what I did, right? I just I don't like that I did that. For me, it's often that anger or has been, and then I go, What was it? How how do I, you know, notice when that moment is? Because it isn't it isn't noticeable in the moment until you've practiced it enough, and then you begin to like go, oh, this is that moment, and it's still challenging for a while. I do find it gets easier though, like when though when things happen. Um I'll share a little a quick little story. Um, I have an upstairs neighbor and a next door neighbor, and the next door neighbors were doing something. Oh, it's just too much to go into, but they were doing something, and the upstairs neighbor and I we didn't well just say it, they were setting traps to catch squirrels, and it was really challenging. Like, I get you don't want the squirrel there, but I can't listen to it trying to get out of the trap. Oh, you know, because it's right outside my window. So the first time I heard noise, I went outside and I'm trying to let the squirrel out. And the upstairs neighbor comes and she sees me and she wants to help too. She's like, absolutely, we need to let it out. I was like, great. So we let it out. A couple days later, same traps outside. We don't, I don't know if it's the same squirrel or another squirrel, but she's out there trying to get it, and she comes to my door. Hey, Kate, can you come help me? Yeah, sure. So I go out there and I'm like, well, if they've got that trap out there again, like maybe there something's going on. And I started getting all in my feels. Like, I don't know what to do. Like I actually was like not sure because I reverted back to, I figured this out later, a thought that I had from my family upbringing about the authority figure. The authority figure gets to make the decisions. I don't. Okay. And that was a big deal. But the way that it presented itself was I was like, well, maybe we need to like text them and see what they're doing. And you know, like, do we really, is it okay if we do this? But my upset neighbor was like, well, I don't know. If you don't want to be involved, that's okay. I'll just tell them it was me, but I don't think this is right. But she was she was right. It's like it's anyway, like there was she wasn't mean about it, but she was very clear about it. She was very clear, and I appreciated it. And at one point she says, I think you're overthinking this. I was like, whoa, like in a very good way, that hit me strong. Because I teach other people to not overthink. Okay. Like that's what I help people learn to do differently. Because overthinking is is something we do when we get into that reactive mode, right? So I got triggered by I wasn't sure what to do. I went into overthinking. And it took me three or four days. I was like, oh, what happened? Why was I doing that? Oh my goodness, and why did they, why were they the boss and I'm not? And I went through the ringer inside my head. And I finally was able to like be with it in a way where I understood what was happening. Instead of pausing for that moment and making the decision that in that microscopic moment to say, I'm an adult, I can make a choice about what I want to do, what I feel is right in this moment. I didn't. I went more like into, oh my goodness, um, I I don't there are they the authority? When I did that, I was not being true to myself. I gave away my power. It was, it was a tough moment. I mean, you know, but going through it, I I feel so much stronger and more powerful because now I can go, okay, that moment I did not pause. I didn't breathe. I didn't take a moment, I didn't say, excuse me, just a second. None of that. But now I know next time I can. Next time I can do that.

Deborah 9:42

Yeah. And and just even um, gosh, I just lost my thought. Oh golly. Um, yeah, it it in just even knowing that that's available to you is a big thing. And I I I I uh I lost my thought. I was that's okay. It'll come back to you. Yeah, I squirrel. You know, right? I was distracted by the squirrel.

Deb 10:09

I was gonna say that's a great word to use because of uh what it means. So did you want to uh talk about what does our body do? Like the the signals that that that our bodies um give us. Do you want to talk about that?

Deborah 10:24

Yeah, so then we know and and so grateful for our bodies. Our bodies are just really wonderful things, and they give us signals when we're in that moment, right? We have, you know, I have what happens to me a lot of time, especially when I want to curse someone out, is that my throat gets these beasting things underneath it, right? And you can feel that there's a little one of the signals that your body gives is there's like a growing heat that I think starts from your belly and moves up into your chest. Um, those are some that I have all the time, and sometimes I sweat, and sometimes my eyes hurt. And what are some ones that you know about that?

Deb 11:11

Uh I know for myself, my jaw will clench. Sometimes I will experience my fists clenching if it's and angry enough. I'm I it's like not that I'm going to punch someone, but it's like I'm my whole body's tightening. And so my my fists tighten as well. Um, I I will, I don't know about the bee stings. You may have to go into a little bit more of what that means. But I know there are times when I should speak, but it's like my throat won't let me. It's like my brain freezes, I don't know what to say, but it's really my I the fear that I can't use my voice. And so there's that, you know, that challenge there. Um, it depends on the situation. Uh sometimes I want to bow up to somebody, like I want to fight them, you know, rage issues, not so much anymore. Um, other times it's like, oh, uh-uh, I gotta get out of here. And I I I just want to leave the situation. Um, a lot of times I find though I will also, it's like freeze. I don't know, freeze. My brain just can't think. But then that other one is yeah, I've had that happen.

Deborah 12:21

But have you ever had tears come to your eyes?

Deb 12:24

Um, rarely, because I I have a lot of practice from my childhood of don't show reading. Yeah. But but it has happened. Yeah. But Deborah, the one that I notice that really shows up is when I can't fight, when I can't get away, when my brain does freeze, the safest thing for me to do is try to appease and and do some people pleasing.

Deborah 12:59

Get quiet.

Pausing Without Freezing

Deb 13:00

Get quiet or apologize or somehow try to smooth it out a little. Um I mean, those are all, as we know, anxiety things, you know, but it's like and I know that there's one that we like for my big one is fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. But it's but the people pleasing is was way bigger than I thought it was. I did not realize that I did that as much as I do. So that it's it's just good to to to see that. You you mentioned the body is like um important to give you the information because it's like a a message machine.

Deborah 13:44

It's given us messages, and it's helping and I get a I got a funny story too when we're uh talking about the pause, is that I as I started getting into this pause and not reacting, um, I was wondering, I'm like, well, you're not reacting, you know.

Speaker 2 14:02

Are you okay?

Deborah 14:04

Yeah, are you okay? Are you being, you know, bowled over? Are you not feeling your feelings? And I had to even come to terms with the pause. And, you know, and to use the make sure that I am using the pause in a powerful way instead of it making that another way of being um, I don't want to say weak, but um another way to freeze, right? Yeah, um, you know, okay, I recognize the pause, I'm in the pause, I'm gonna stay in the pause and not react.

Speaker 2 14:41

And then you don't interesting.

Deborah 14:45

So it's just like, you know, the t-shirt that I have coming that I'm so excited about. Well, what you have coming? A t-shirt. Oh, right, right, right. You know, that says love is an action word. You know, the pause is the opportunity to take action, it's just not another opportunity, or I should say it's not just another opportunity to freeze.

Deb 15:09

Absolutely. You know, I never even really thought of it that way. That it's like, well, I'm just gonna pause and then just not do anything. That is freezing. Um, I agree with you there. Um, and I love your t-shirt. I love this idea. Uh love. What did you say? Say it again. Love is an action. Love is an action word. Okay. Um, yeah, it is. And it's tough. It's a it's it, I mean, we think of love as romantic or, you know, love of child, love of family member or something. But we don't often think of love as a way of being in relationship with ourselves and with other human beings that we may not even know. Or, you know, the even if it is a family member, it we don't have to give in. Love is love as the action verb is sort of like tough love, but a loving tough love. Oh, I see you thinking.

Deborah 16:11

I don't know what your the tough love aspect of it. Um, I I I'm not connecting with that. Tell me more about that.

Why Triggers Come From History

Deb 16:20

Um maybe tough love the way it would had been used is not quite right. When maybe it's it's tough as in it's challenging to when you're in that situation where somebody else has upset you, somebody else has there's a situation and it involves somebody else in this case, because we can we can trigger ourselves, we'll go into that in a minute. But most of the time we see other people as the bad guy for triggering us. We think things like, well, if you hadn't said or done that, then I wouldn't be upset. But the reality is the only way we can be upset by that is if we've got history about that particular thing. Maybe somebody disrespecting you or um um gosh, there's so many uh different ways. Like uh let me finish that thought. So it's like uh we can be upset at the other person because they spoke to us the wrong way, they they said they were gonna do something, they didn't do it. Maybe we feel betrayed, maybe we feel disrespected, maybe we feel put down, whatever. We can only really experience that if we've had that in the past and it hurt us, right? That's why it's a trigger. I use this a lot in my classes. I'll say, um, a boss who's really, really angry comes out into the main room and screams, Smith, Jones, get in here now, and very, very upset. And one of them, Smith, is like, Oh my god, what happened? Um, I've been in trouble. I hope I don't get fired. And Smith is very upset. Where Jones is like, Wow, I wonder what's wrong with her, the boss, right? What's wrong with the boss? And it's like, here's the exact same thing happened, boss yells, and two different people respond in two completely different ways. So it's like one of them has a lot of history of maybe authority figures yelling, and that's a problem, and I get really nervous if that happens. And the other person may have not had that kind of going on in their lives. So they don't react to it in the same way. It's not uh anxiety-provoking or triggering to them. Um so the tough part comes in where it's like if I react to something, let's say a teenage child, right? Or a client that you have, maybe they don't show up or whatever. It's not their action that we need to look at. It's not what they did that I need to look at. I need to look at why am I allowing that thing that happened to affect me the way that it is.

Deborah 19:09

Right. So the one thing that I'm thinking when you say that is when so in my mind, and um I may not be connecting the same way that you are, is when you come to that pause, it's really tough to stay connected to love, right? Because you're like, you've got all of this, like you said, all of this history, all of this whatever that that has caused you be to be triggered by by this situation. And so then to be connected, to to kind of put all of that aside and connect to your love and move forward in that way, like in the example that you gave, the person that said, I wonder what's wrong with her, then she's loving herself in that moment and saying, I'm not gonna let her drama come into my little piece, you know. And yeah, so that's the way that I'm hearing it. That in those moments it can be tough to stay connected to love as you move forward. Absolutely, it can.

Deb 20:14

And it that is being connected to ourselves so we don't get out of calmness or our peace. Just what you said, I'm not gonna let that other person bring me down. But the person who go gets anxious and is affected by that has not quite yet learned the skill to stay present with themselves so they can say, um, scan maybe themselves very quickly, go, you know, I haven't done anything. I don't wrong, I don't really have any reason to get upset. Now that's a very long, you know, six seconds that the pause is not. The pause is this instantaneous. It's more like the boss yells, and I want to go, oh my God, but I stop and go, oh, and that that's that pause, that moment before I start the spiraling, start the shutting down, the overthinking, the people pleasing, the whatever it is that we do, we can go, hang on a second. I'm saying the very, very long phrase, but like it's like, hang on a second, I don't have to go there. This pause is allowing me to take a left-hand turn instead of a right hand turn, or to go straight instead of whatever. Like it's just opening up the opportunity for choice.

Deborah 21:31

Right. And using your same example, how many times, you know, it's like the boss came out, and I'm I'm the other person now that didn't get triggered by this, right? And so this person like comes out of their office. Okay, I need you two in here right now, right? The first time he does it, triggered. Second time he does it or she does it, triggered, third time, triggered, and then she's learning, she's got an awareness of that practice. And so then, fourth time she does it, she's even triggered, but she knows that there's another way. Fifth time, maybe she's like triggered halfway. Yeah, you know it's and you build on that understanding with each time, but having the awareness. Awareness and looking at those occasions and seeing where that opportunity was.

Growing Capacity Through Practice

Deb 22:23

Another way that I like to look at it, and you call it a practice, which it absolutely is, it's uh it's a skill that you build and it's part of what you're capable of. So we have the one that's very anxious and freaking out. Oh my God, oh my God. Then we have the other one that just isn't like affected in the same way. That other person's capacity for allowing someone else to be upset without affecting them, I'm just gonna describe it as it's bigger. They have a bigger capacity of allowing. The other person, it's close, close, close to them and immediately wants to go into that anxious mode, that upset mode. But as you described the first time, the second time, the third time, the person that has a smaller capacity, as they're thinking about it, they're growing their capacity, even just thinking about it. What could I have done? What might I do next time? What else is possible? Are wonderful questions because that just helps it expand just a tiny bit more. And the next time it happens, you have just that little tiny bit more space that you may actually do something different. And then the next time and the next time, you know, there's no exact number. It's not like it'll happen 3.682 times, and then you'll be good on the fourth time. You know, it's like everybody comes into this with a different set of um skills from the past in different jobs they've had and different relationships they've had, whatever, but it's from their past. They they come into every situation our lives currently with we bring all of our stuff with us. And so, how does do I use that to my advantage? Um, how do I use it to help me understand my the patterns that I have? Like, wow, every time somebody in authority yells, I find I really get upset. What can I do differently? Right, you know, recognize that. But this is where the body starts talking, right? Why do I get tense every time that happens? Why does my chest tighten or or my throat close up?

Deborah 24:40

Yeah.

Deb 24:40

Oh my God, because when I was little or because younger, these things happened, they're not happening now. This is something different. So it's seeing this trigger as something different, and I can now respond to it differently. But that's where that practice comes in because it's in your body, not your mind. Your mind can think those thoughts, but you've got to help your body feel safe enough that the change can happen.

Deborah 25:12

Right. And that that's one of the things that I mean, to to look at, you know, you brought up the difference between practices and skills, right? For you to become skilled at something, you've got to practice. Absolutely. It's just like recognizing what is the practice or what is the skill that you want to bring to that situation. And then every time you're building, like you said, that capacity, and that's the practice. So both of our needed: the recognizing the skill that you want to develop, recognizing that it is a skill, and then practicing as you become more efficient, more, you know, being having it more available to you in those situations.

Deb 25:57

Absolutely. So, what is something that you might share with audience members of a practice they can do or a thought they can think or whatever to um help them? If it's not in the moment, then it's in the moment that they realize that the moment passed, and they can refer back to the moment. Does that make sense?

Grounding Tools And Naming Needs

Deborah 26:21

Yeah, there's a couple of well, we'll let's see. The one thing that I do a couple of things just as my practice, especially when I am in the situation. One of the things that I do is like just touch my heart. That's just a reminder to me that I want to be love in this situation. I want to connect with love. I don't want to hurt, right? Yes, and so that's one of the things that I do. And and the other thing that um that helps build that skill is to just notice, even in that moment, when your body's telling you what's going on, your body, your body's not telling you what's going on, your body's signaling to you that there is a situation, yeah.

Deb 27:12

Informing you, yeah.

Deborah 27:14

Just notice what you can feel, what can you hear, what can you see. Notice that your feet are on the ground. And one of the things that I ask myself, even before I respond to something in the moment, is what do I need right now? What is it that I need? And even when I'm recapitulating and looking back on the situation where I said, you know, earlier that I did not respond in the way that I that aligns with my values and who I want to be. What did I need in that moment? What need did I have in that moment that was not being met? And you know, you know, the little girl in me was going, You did not meet my need, you know. Right. Oh, yes, absolutely. Looking through that lens helps you to understand what your need was that isn't isn't or wasn't getting met. And then you can put together tactics or skills to have your need met in the future.

Deb 28:16

Um, what I love about that, the part about what need wasn't getting met is, and we'll do this, uh, we'll do a different episode if people would like for us to about how to get your needs met. But most of us think other people need to meet our needs. Yeah. And it is astonishing how many needs we can meet on our own, and we don't need the other person to do anything different. It sounds crazy, but it's true. So I think that um we're about at the end. Uh, was there anything else that you wanted to share with with uh our audience?

Listener Prompts And Closing

Deborah 28:58

Um, nothing's coming to mind, but this is such a huge topic. And um, you know, there are there are so many different ways that you can look at it and that you can bring that into your life. So I I have a feeling we're gonna be talking about this, about this again. This is a really, really important thing. And you know, I call it creating space sometimes, I call it taking the pause, but I think that I would love to talk a little bit more about this in another episode.

Deb 29:28

Absolutely, absolutely. And if it the audience has you guys have any um direction that you're like, I want to know about this or I want to know about that, put it in. We'll we'll create something so that uh we can address that. Um, that small pause can really, really change your life because it it gives you the opportunity to do things differently. So I want to leave you guys with that. And Deborah, something you want to share? No. Okay. Then then I will. Um, we're at the end of the episode, and as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shero in you. Bye, everybody.