055 - Emerging Truth: What I Can No Longer Pretend Not to Know

You know that quiet feeling… something isn’t right… even when everything looks fine on the outside?

We sit with that.

Not to fix it. Not to rush past it. But to name it.
 Because more often than not, you already know.
 You just haven’t let yourself fully say it.

We talk about the places this shows up—
 relationships that look good but feel heavy,
 work that checks the boxes but drains your peace,
 and those moments where you keep saying yes… while something in you is saying no.

And then there’s the body.

The tight chest.
 The clenched jaw.
 The low hum of anxiety that never fully goes away.

That’s not random. That’s your body holding the truth you haven’t spoken yet.

We also talk about why this is so hard.

Because it’s not just about knowing.
 It’s about what it might cost to admit it.

Belonging.
 Comfort.
 Familiarity.

Sometimes it feels easier to stay where you are… even when you know it’s not right.

But there’s a cost to that too.

You start to lose trust in yourself.
 You second guess.
 You override what you feel.

So we slow it down.

We talk about creating space—just enough to hear yourself again.
 And from there, making small, honest choices.

Sometimes that looks like a boundary.
 Sometimes it’s a simple truth spoken out loud.
 Sometimes it’s just admitting… this doesn’t feel right anymore.

Nothing dramatic - just honest.

Because self-care isn’t always comfort.
 And self-love isn’t always soft.

Sometimes it’s telling yourself the truth… and being willing to listen.

#selftrust  #selfawareness  #emotionalgrowth  #selfcare  #selflove  #innerwork  #boundaries  #personalgrowth  #mindsetshift  #emotionalintelligence  #healing  #authenticity

Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.

#womenempoweringwomen
#youmatter
#makeadifference

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Transcript

The Quiet Moment Of Knowing

Deb 0:17

Well, hello everybody, and welcome back to the Shero Cafe. Um have you ever had a moment where something is clear? It's not loud or dramatic, but it's more like you just know and yet you keep looking away from it. Well, today we're going to be talking about that moment. The moment where you know and you also know you've been pretending not to know. And this isn't unusual. It's something that finally becomes obvious, even though it's been in the background for a while. Zabora, you've ever had that feeling?

Deborah 1:01

Yes, I have had that feeling many times in my life. Um, I'm not gonna mention my uh boyfriend JT. I'm not gonna mention some of the bad things where I'm like, you know, this isn't going well. Maybe I need to find my way. But he's so cute, you know, and all of those things. You know, it's just so funny. There are so many times when you can look back and you're like, oh boy, I dodged a bullet, you know. And it it would have been better if I would have aborted the whole situation, you know, a lot earlier. But there's something that keeps you there. There's the, you know, the love, and JT just used to say the most beautiful things to me, but he would not call me and not show up when we're, you know, and so it's like there's that, you know, you're you're you're just being pulled by different things, although you know that this isn't the very best that you hope for, that you wished for anything like that. There's still something that that that keeps you there, that keeps you connected. Yeah, and um, and and yeah, I can I can name so many jobs that I've had, it's been the same thing, you know, because I didn't want to go look for another job, or I didn't want to, you know, uh leave this good paying job for the unknown, you know. So in a lot of different ways, in a lot of different ways.

Relationships And Jobs We Outgrow

Deb 2:34

It's so family dynamics, there yeah, that's a really big one. Work situations. Um yeah, it's all it's about relationships, you know, what we are experiencing on the inside versus what we're showing on the outside. And you know, we may not realize it to a certain point, but then we're like, wait a minute, I'm noticing there's a disconnect. And now I need to look at what is it costing me to pretend I don't know? Or to stay for, well, like for you, I love the way he looks at me or the thing he says, but yet when I'm not around him, I'm miserable because I'm not getting any of my needs met that way, right? Exactly, yeah. Or in that job where it's like, I don't know what else there is out there, but I'm staying because of the money. Like for some reason, money became more important than my my peace, my sanity, my energy or clarity or self-trust or whatever. But I think our body feels it. Our body knows.

Deborah 3:46

Oh yeah.

Deb 3:48

Even though we don't speak the words out loud or share it with anybody, we know. So from a self-care perspective, what do what would you tell people? Because you know, I think there's people that know it but don't know it, but they can tell something's off, but can't quite identify it. So let's just speak it the way it is. What happens in the body when we keep overriding or ignoring what our body's trying to tell us?

Deborah 4:22

Well, that that that's that's almost self-harm. So you're getting that negativity that is being turned inward, right? Um, I had a situation where um I was in that situation where I was ignoring the things, you know, what was happening in my body, my blood pressure was up a lot of times. I could feel my heart, I could have five, feel that lightness of breath, and so your body takes that on because it's starting to constrict. And so when you're in that situation and you're ignoring it, then you're packing all of that in your body that is not meant to be held.

Deb 5:09

Absolutely.

Deborah 5:10

So, you know, when I'm when I'm saying, as a self-care thing, to create space, what I'm saying is to create the space that allows you to have that opening in your body or to allow something that is emerged not to go into your body and have that negative impact.

Deb 5:31

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So uh those are great examples because you know, people will push and push and push anyway. I I can't tell you the number of stories I've heard, and it's not like a million of them, but it's like there's a percentage of stories I've heard where the person ends up getting sick. I often hear cancer, the big C word. They get they just stay in it and stay in it and stay in it for some reason until they're forced to back off of it. And then they ra acknowledge uh just how much better they are, how happy they are that they're not doing that thing anymore. So for some people, it's the knot in the stomach, the the constant sense of anxiety, um, feeling drained, disconnected. Um, somebody described it once to me as this subtle dread, just this, there's there was just this misery inside, but she couldn't name it. She didn't know what to call it. And it's not like people talk about it. So she thought that it was just her. She didn't have anybody to talk to.

What Ignoring Your Body Does

Deborah 6:41

Yeah, you know that feeling where you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yeah, it's like I'm not taking uh control of the situation, I'm not responding in any way. So I am actually not at not in control of the situation anymore, right? I'm just waiting to for whatever to happen to happen.

Deb 7:03

Yeah. But the cool thing is our body is cluing us in. Our body is telling us even before our mind or our brain or whatever wants to acknowledge or admit it, it's like the body is sharing information. Even when you talk yourself out of it, your body is still sharing the stress, the tension, whatever that information.

Deborah 7:29

Yeah. So, you know, and I I'm gonna tell a completely different story, but um, you know, my situation right now. My uh husband just had knee surgery. I am doing my chores, I'm doing his chores, and just before I came up to um to to to to really do this episode of the podcast, I was getting ready to fix dinner. I was I bought flowers at Trader Joe's today, so I was just like, okay, I have five more minutes, I can get one more thing done, you know, and then I typically, and I did, you know, and then it's like, oh, I made a mess doing the flowers. I can do one more thing, you know, get one more thing done. So then typically what I do is I can feel that tightness in my body. I'm sweating. I'm uh, you know, there's my brain really actually shuts off almost, you know, to the point where it's just like I am on automatic. At that point, usually I say, you know what? I need to take a minute. Okay, the boy, you're doing too much. Just create some space. Stop, slow down. And if you notice when we came to this call, I'm like, well, I am like, I'm just gonna need to sit here for a minute, you know. And so that was my self-care. And you know, what would have even been better self-care is if I would have noticed that in my body and said, okay, that's a no, you know, that's a non-negotiable. When you feel that in your body, you stop. Yeah, you know, but um, yeah, even the best of the best don't always do it the best.

Deb 9:05

No, no, like that. That's cool. The best of the best don't usually or don't always do it the best. And that's very, very true. So true. Um, no, but I think that's a great way to look at it. That how often do we recognize something, try to push through it anyway, for a variety of reasons, when the best thing that you know you know, you know that you know, uh, would have been to pause, take a minute, as you say, create space and then decide, you know, A, is it worth it to get that thing done? Right? This second, squeeze it in there, or you know, come back and cut the flowers when I'm done, whatever, you know, like you know, is it really that critical? So most of the time it's not, but sometimes people feel that it is. And I think we feel that it is and it's not we don't do it because something's wrong, we do it because somehow, somehow it maybe it feels safer. Like maybe it feels safer to stay in that relationship or in that role or that identity, that that familiar thing. Even if somehow it's hurting us, it's like what is it that feels safer? Why would we do that?

Deborah 10:38

Well, I think that even if we're doing the right thing for ourselves, you know, there's still a price to pay. So, you know, like and then I'm thinking of another example. Let's think of let's talk about the the relationship that I was in, right? So even though, and I haven't even worked, I've had some relationships, but anyway, so even though it was really in my best interest to break up with with that person, breaking up with that person would still have been a loss, you know. So I would have had to lose, you know, um what was fabulous about him. I'm not gonna name them all off because there were many things that were fabulous about him. Yeah, I would still have to give that up. And you know, at some point, that is actually a price for self-care that you have to be willing to make, to take, to pay.

Slow Down And Create Space

Deb 11:48

Yeah, because when you have the good things there, you you're like, yeah, but and we look at those good things, right? The other part is the the known and the unknown parts, which you knew what the pain was that you were feeling. So there was a known pain that for a while, till it wasn't, for a while, that known pain felt safer than the unknown change. Yes, right. So, like even when we know better, because that you I don't know if you knew better at that time, but ever since then you've known better, and maybe you knew better at the time, but it took something to pull you apart. It took something to go, okay, those good things, how cute he is, and how sweet he is, and blah blah blah, whatever, isn't enough to override the discomfort.

Deborah 12:52

Right. So at that point, the thing that the decision that I made was this and that the that it was not worth my self-respect, you know, and and I was quite young in this relationship. So I had my mom to be my uh self-respect meter, you know, in a way. She's like, honey, you know, this is this is uh this isn't what I think you what you deserve, yeah, you know, and then I was young enough at that point, but then you have to get to the point within yourself, and some of that comes with maturity and awareness, and giving yourself the time to come to that awareness. You have to be that mom, you know, for yourself. You have to trust yourself to say, hey, hey, no, that's not good. That's no, that's not good enough, that's not acceptable, right?

Deb 13:47

Yeah, I I know I stayed in a relationship probably 12 years longer than I should have because um the financial benefits were there. Um, I was established in a community because of him. Um feeling rejected by everybody if I wasn't there. Um so I was gonna like lose my place, you know, and and it there was a a real sense of um uh being away from the community and what that feels like. And you know, it was very interesting. I don't know if our audience knows, but uh, you know, there was a a time when I walked El Camino de Santiago, which is the 500-mile path across Spain. And um so many days in, maybe I think 10 uh 10 days into like a 35-day trip, I got hurt. And uh after I saw the doctor, it was like you have to stay put. You know, you can't keep walking and carrying this backpack. You've got to stay foot put, let your leg heal a little bit, just a couple days, and and then you can go on. And that was hard. That was so hard to do because there was this very visceral fear, like my body was sensing that the the tribe was leaving me and that somehow I was like gonna die or something. Like this it was so real in how it felt. And yet intellectually, I'm like, I don't even know these people yet. But that yet that feeling was so prominent. So it was like when I could really see that, okay, people I met so many days ago, um, and and you know, when I say you walk together, it's like you just see each other off and on in the different places, but it's all the familiar faces. But they were leaving, it literally felt like they were leaving me. And that created such an angst, even though intellectually I knew something different.

unknown 16:08

Okay.

Deb 16:08

So I was able to actually go, I am recognizing this, noticing this discomfort, but I don't have to berate myself for it or judge myself. I mean, I had injury. Well, you know, what do you do? But it's this is how powerful that, you know, even when you know better, your body can still like indicate you're not gonna be safe if you do this thing, when in reality, I was safer by staying where I was and healing than trying to keep going. But for other people, just the opposite. It will be safer to leave or do something different than to stay in the position where you are, right?

Deborah 16:53

Yeah, and then in that situation, um, you know, when I was I'm thinking that, you know, you're saying your body felt like your body's the one that was saying, no, no, no, and your mind was saying, no, this is the best thing to do, you'll be fine, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And so what I think is is the best way to um care for yourself in that moment, and and I'm sure you did, was to just, like you said, you're like so excited because you recognize that difference. Yeah, it was trust your body, trust your mind, and have them come together.

Deb 17:33

Yeah.

Deborah 17:34

So give them space and that understanding and that connection.

Known Pain Versus Unknown Change

Deb 17:37

Yeah, and it seems like a something will happen. And I'll explain that in a minute. So it's like, you know, like for our audience, you might recognize like that's a big dramatic thing that happened. I was in another country, I was doing a thing that a lot of people don't ever do. Uh, you know, I'm around people I don't really know. But in your everyday life, it could show up in these small moments, like, maybe I need to make a boundary, right? Or, or maybe whatever this thing is isn't working anymore. Or I know I'm tired, but I just keep going, um, shrinking back, avoiding something, right? But but not taking the time to to like pause and think about what's really, really, really going on. Right. But I think that, you know, it's like uh, so I would probably ask, you know, like what's one small thing that you already know that you've been brushing past? And that's really what it is. It's like, I'm afraid to look at it. Um, I might have to do something different, and we just kind of dismiss it.

unknown 18:45

Okay.

Deb 18:45

What I was gonna say is another thing will happen. When I was on the Camino, um yes, I stayed in that one place for two days. And at the end of that two days, I was uh questioning myself, do I stay? Do I leave? Like I got this injury, am I gonna make it? And interestingly, around the corner came somebody that I had known from earlier on, um, several days earlier, who was also hurt. And so we chose to walk the Camino together and go slow. Up until that point, I had been going fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, which is like life. We just keep going, going, going, going, going. But in this case, we had to slow down because we were both injured and in our legs. So you have to slow down. And in slowing down, oh my God, it was a whole different, beautiful experience. Like we got to uh take breaks and take pictures and chat and visit and not be out of breath, trying to keep up with everybody going so fast. And that's that was such also a very different visceral thing. So in our daily lives, setting a boundary may feel challenging or hard, or knowing something isn't working and trying to take a moment to figure out what could be, or knowing how tired you are, and deciding somehow I'm gonna do something different to fit rest into my schedule. It's like making that decision to love and care for yourself present allows for the opportunity for something else to present itself. Right. Something you would have never known or thought of because you can't plan that. What you can plan is what's gonna happen with you. Now, will that sometimes bring up issues with other people because you're doing things differently?

Deborah 20:43

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the other thing, and this is not the I'm I'm kind of kind of switching the situation here. Um, you know, I'm thinking about a situation that I was in. But you you were talking about setting boundaries. You know, one of the things that I have noticed or have noticed, and I'm not so bad about this right now, because I'll just speak up. I'll just say, hey, no, that's not good for me. I used to just push it down, push it down, push it down. But one thing that I notice is when you say, you know what, I don't like going to that. You know, I'm gonna make a real simple example. Um, I've been going to this grocery um store, I and it's one I don't like. And I and and somebody that I know always gets stuff from there, and I don't like that grocery store for a lot of reasons, okay? And so I keep going to that grocery store, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. And every time I go to that grocery store, I grip my teeth. I feel it in my body. I'm like, I'm doing this, I don't want to do this. But then I say, you know what? I really don't like going to that grocery store. And here are the reasons why I don't like going to that grocery store. So then the next time when we have to go to the grocery store, my friend goes, Oh, I know you don't like going to that grocery store. Let's go to this different one, or I know you don't like going to this grocery store. So that Prevents me from gritting my teeth 10 more times when we're going to the grocery store because I've spoken, opened my mouth to say, you know, this isn't working for me. And and and which in essence creates a boundary.

unknown 22:32

Yeah.

Deborah 22:32

Because I have advocated for myself again that self-trust and said, you know what? I don't have to just grit my teeth. That's not a good thing. I can feel better about this one task that we need to do if I just speak up.

Speaking Up And Simple Boundaries

Deb 22:50

Absolutely. I mean, how is I mean, have you ever heard the story? Oh, let me finish my sentence. How is somebody going to know what you like or don't like if you don't say something, right? Right. And there's this story, I'm just going to make it as brief as possible, but it's like there's a husband and a wife, and let's just say they go fishing together every day. Like where I'm from, people fished a lot. And they would go out in their little boat every day. And every day it was crazy. And then he passed away and she kept going anyway. And then somebody, and then he's in heaven, and somebody's like, you know, why did y'all go over? Uh or or she quit, I'm sorry, she quit going fishing. She just quit. And it was like he went fishing because he thought she wanted to go fishing, and she went fishing because he thought she thought he wanted to go fishing. And they never had the conversation. And I'm like, how many years did these two people? Because I actually had an aunt and uncle that did this. How many years did these people go fishing because they thought the other person wanted them to go when neither one of them really wanted? Like, I'm so confused how people live in life like that. However, I know a lot of people do it. The question is, what is it costing us? Why are we doing that? Was it done out of love? That's one thing. You want to love your partner and they love going. So you go too because you know that love it. But did they? Or did you think they did? Like that's what, you know. So um, but to get back to self-care, self-love, it's like just, you know, a lot of people do think of self-care as the manny petty, the massage, the outside physical activities, the girl's night out, right? Taking a course or a class. And those are great if that's what you want to do. But self-care is also telling yourself the truth. Right? It's not just um being kind to your physical or your like playful side. It's also being honest with yourself. So how do you like if somebody comes to you about self-care, beyond the physical, right? Um how do you make it come more about how they can care for themselves without shutting down when they recognize there's something that came up for them, but they're terrified to let that thing go? Maybe it's uh maybe we should pick something in particular. Um maybe it's a wife that or a woman that wants to uh who who thinks, let me say it this way, she thinks her job is to cook supper every night. That's her job. She, you know, that that's my job. I gotta cook supper every night. And she's stuck in that, but she really doesn't want to do it. And every night she comes to the table going, you know, y'all better like this food because you know, I I stood up there and I cooked every night. She's miserable. She's miserable because she doesn't want to cook every night, right? But she's realizing it, but she's also not sure how to she feels like that's her job, like she has to do. Yeah.

Deborah 25:55

Well, I mean, in that situation, it's very easy, you know. I I know it's not very easy, it's very, very hard sometimes. But what I would um ask, I would um suggest to my clients is that let's take some time just to get quiet. Let's just take some time to sit down and really figure out what it is you want in this situation. Um, you know, when I, you know, well, I won't bring him in, but you know, what is it? Do I want to not cook five days a week? Do I want to have weekends off? Do I want to have everybody pitch in? What is it that I what is making it unpleasant for me? Just sit down and figure out, look within, check in with yourself to see what the true I don't like is. Because if you go to your family and say, I just don't feel like cooking anymore, I don't like it. I, you know, you need to know, be very clear as to what it is that you don't like. And then after you get that clarity, then your next clarity is what things that do you think can be changed in order for you to get what you want? And then your next step is how do I approach this? You know, speaking up when we were talking about that. How do I approach my family? How do I tell them? How do I get them um engaged in me getting what my need met? Yes, and and really getting their needs met as well because they need to eat. So, you know, really just opening up the conversation.

Honest Self-Care Beyond Treats

Deb 27:46

I I love that because there's so many possibilities that could come from that. But again, if she doesn't share, I mean, she's obviously sharing how miserable she is, but she's not sharing solutions, she's not sharing possibilities, she's not sharing why she's so miserable, right? And but you know, people probably would be like, oh God, it's supper. I don't want to go to supper because you know or whatever is miserable.

Deborah 28:13

And you know what? And it's probably showing up in the food and it's growth and it no, I'm kidding.

Deb 28:19

But it is it is because it's like if you you're slapping it around, maybe you're not really like what I'm hearing in my head is I have to cook supper versus I get to cook supper or I choose to cook supper. So it's a matter of she can do some shifting or changing by changing her wording, but maybe she just really hates a particular chore. She can also engage with herself first and then with her family in what might be something better that would work for her. And I think sometimes we think we can just go, I'm gonna set a boundary and I'm only gonna cook three times a week, and then it doesn't work. It's like, see, boundaries don't work, right?

Deborah 29:03

Yeah.

Deb 29:04

But I know, and you know, it it's a the boundaries are more than that, and and boundaries are about um helping people understand what you will and won't tolerate, not my way or the highway. It's not about trying to change other people's behavior, it's just about being more clear about what you want, right? So we have to do it, but we have to do it again, and then again, I'm talking about practicing like a boundary or some skill or something we want to get better at, because I like to say to get better and better at becoming more comfortable with what we have become clear about her case about cooking or whatever, it's it's like it's a skill, and it's a skill you can learn, right?

Deborah 29:56

So it's a skill that you can learn that if it is executed, um and I don't remember if you said this last week or in one of our conversations, you know, a lot of us think of a boundary as a like a fence, you know, and like you know, you hit this boundary and you're stopped, and there's no going further, you know. And I really think that really a boundary is an opening, it's an opening for understanding, and you know, and much as we hate to think sometimes, we have to set boundaries in relationships, and so you're setting that boundary, you're opening up that place so that there could be a deeper understanding and there could be um even more self-trust, more self-care when um you're caring for yourself and caring for those that you're in a relationship with.

Questions To Carry Forward

Deb 31:03

Yeah, absolutely. Um I I boundaries are actually a really beautiful thing. They're a very loving thing to do for yourself and for others. It's it's otherwise, it's like asking people to already know what you want and who you are and what you need. And and you're like, and they're like, I don't know what you want. I mean, I know you, but I don't I don't know that part about you. So it's it's actually helping other people, um especially, you know, in that in that um like the more romantic relationship, but also the parent-child. I think it's really, really healthy to have boundaries. And so many families think, oh, we're a family, we don't need boundaries. Yes, you do. You do because you as the individual may not feel it, but the other person may need some privacy or they may need some time to be quiet. And if we don't realize that and we're like, well, it doesn't bother me if you come in the room, so you think it shouldn't bother them if you come in the room. I can say from experience, that's an issue. Like you know, having a particular person just barge in because it was just like, oh I mean, that's oh well, I don't want to go into that because that's like a whole thing. And we're ready to like wrap this one up, I can tell. But I I do want to say that um this is not about forcing change on yourself or anybody else, but it's about noticing. And maybe as you're listening, you've already got some things coming up, right, you know, rising up for you. Maybe it's a a moment or a person or some decision that you've made. Um so what do you already know that you haven't been willing to say out loud? And what is it costing you to keep looking away from it? Now I don't think anybody has to have all the answers today, but it's a starting point to pay attention and notice those things. And if you keep doing that, you will come to the moment where you are going to tell yourself so that they can then tell other people. And this is how self-trust build.

Deborah 33:24

Absolutely, and um, I invite you, we invite you to uh to practice that, to to to just start small, to do one little bit at a time, to just notice. And so I am so grateful that you have joined us here. We're both grateful that you have joined us here, not just me, every two, both of us. We're so happy and grateful that you have joined us today. And as always, we hope that you love and care for the Shero and you.

Deb 33:57

Bye, bye, everybody.