057 - You’re Doing Everything Right… but Something Still Feels Off

You’re doing everything right.

You’re showing up. Taking care of yourself. Keeping things moving in your work and your life.

And still… something feels off.

That feeling can be hard to explain. It doesn’t make sense on the surface. You’re doing what you’re “supposed” to do, so why doesn’t it feel better?

In this episode, we gently look at what might be happening underneath.

Because sometimes it’s not about doing more.
 It’s not about adding more self-care.
 It’s about noticing where your energy is quietly leaking.

We talk about the difference between being depleted and being overextended. How you can be giving, doing, and holding a lot… without enough support or space to steady yourself.

You’ll hear real-life examples of what this can look like:
 Saying yes when your body is saying no.
 Avoiding conversations that matter.
 Overthinking decisions after you’ve already made them.
 Trying to hold it all together for everyone else.

These aren’t signs that something is wrong with you.

They’re signals.

Small moments where your body is asking you to notice, pause, and choose differently.

We also explore the role of boundaries—not as something harsh, but as something steady. Something that helps you stay connected to yourself while still caring for others.

This isn’t about fixing yourself.

It’s about learning to listen in a new way.
 To notice what feels tight or heavy.
 To give yourself one small moment of choice.

Because when something feels off, it usually means something deeper is asking for your attention.

And that’s not a problem.

It’s a place to begin.

0:00  Welcome And The “Something’s Off” Feeling

1:48  Self-Care Without Capacity Fails

3:59  The Oil Leak Analogy For Burnout

6:13  Real-World Signs Of Overextension

8:42  Saying No And Listening To Your Body

13:17  Self-Care Versus Self-Love Choices

15:27  When Giving Money Feels Like Peace

19:04  Restrictive Versus Expansive Energy Clues

23:39  Small Steps Plus Coaching And Community

26:45  You’re Not Weak For Needing Support

Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.

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#youmatter
#makeadifference

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Email: deb@debbiepearson.com 

Transcript

Welcome And The “Something’s Off” Feeling

Deb 0:18

Hello Sheros. We're so excited that you are here. We're going to be talking about something today, about when you feel like you're doing everything right, but it still feels like something's off. So maybe it's like you're you're doing all these things and they really are like the right things in your work, in your life. But you realize that you're still feeling really drained. Now that's gotta be very frustrating. You can be taking really good care of yourself, but still feel like something's missing, something's off. What's happening here that I'm not feeling better? So we want to talk today about it. But what if it means that something deeper is asking for your attention? So what might that look like? Maybe you're doing the right things, you still feel off. And maybe it's not about doing more, maybe it's about seeing what's underneath.

Self-Care Without Capacity Fails

Deborah 1:33

Yeah, yeah. I think that I, you know, I'm so glad that we're talking about this. I feel like it's such an important conversation because so many women assume that if they feel exhausted, the answer is simply more self-care, right? Yep. And you know, okay, I'll go get my nails done, I'll get a massage, and and sometimes even scheduling that massage adds to, you know, the the the stressors that are already there. Yeah, you get it adds to the exhaustion having to keep one more thing to fit in. But often the deeper truth is not just depletion, but overextension. So, like I was saying, you you know, I'm gonna schedule that massage my nails. That's just adding more to your depletion. It's carrying too much, giving too much, and doing it without enough support. For me, this is where the bigger truth comes in. Self-care without boundary capacity doesn't hold. So that's one of the things that I often talk about. You know, it's like learn to say no. Learn to say I do not have the capacity to add one more thing to my schedule right now. Ask me next week. You can do the bath, you can do the walk, the journaling, the meditation, but if your life keeps demanding more than is sustainable, then those things can help, but they may not truly solve the problem, they may not actually offer you relief, they may not actually offer you care.

The Oil Leak Analogy For Burnout

Deb 3:17

I agree totally. And it's a matter of looking at the whole picture. What am I doing for myself? What am I doing for others? So if we're doing a ton of stuff for other people and we try to do the self-care for ourselves, but we're still feeling drained. I I like the way this is said, you can't out-self-care something if there's something else that's not working, right? So it's like you can't one of the things I I thought of was like um an oil leak in your car, uh, right? So it's like you've got this leak, and you're like, well, I'll just put some more oil in, right? It must like you think of it like gas, like, oh well, if it's dripping out, I just need to fill some more in. But the the difference is, and the problem is, everywhere you go, you're dripping gas, I mean, sorry, dripping oil all over other people, right? So your car is dripping oil in your friend's, you know, uh driveway. You, you know, you go to the parking lot, you're you know, dripping oil, you're getting depleted because there's something else that needs to happen. And that something else that needs to happen is you need to get that oil pan fixed. You need a new gasket, it needs to be repaired. So you talked about boundaries and boundary capacity. So um, you know, to add on to that a little bit, it's like boundaries are helping other people see about us. So if we are doing all these other things and not putting that boundary in place, that's why self-care feels exhausting or that we're not getting re-energized. It's like something's gotta give.

Deborah 5:03

Right. And one of the things that um I also using your same analogy, right? Every time you're leaking oil and you're not fixing where the leak is, you're putting more oil in, you're putting more money in, you're putting money in there. That's true. That could be going to go to the medication that you want, going out to eat, doing something that you really enjoy. When your kids say, Mom, I need this for school, where you can say, sure, here you go, here's the money for this, because you didn't spend it on that. So, again, that's how um creating that capacity and those boundaries work as well. By not spending it on oil that you don't need to be spending it on. You can spend it on something else that is more um nourishing or more, you know, more a better, a better option.

Deb 5:58

Better use, yeah. So let's look at a couple of different options, not options, but examples of what that might look like in our lives as we're going through our lives and while we're just kind of trying to keep putting more and more oil in there. That would be like saying yes to things that maybe don't feel true for you, or if you're fearful of saying no, working on why that is, um, over-delivering to prove your value. Oh my gosh, the perfectionism, or maybe if I just do a little bit more, I'll be noticed, that kind of stuff. Um, this is us buying oil and pouring more in. It's maybe avoiding a conversation that you know that you need to have. That's that boundary capacity you talked about. Or if you make a decision and then you just start ruminating and second guessing, was that the right decision? I wonder if I should have done this other thing. That just that's that's a broken oil system right there, right? Um, and then just one more would be maybe trying to hold it together for everybody else. You're exhausted, but you can't let them see, and you got to prove yourself. And this is a place where you could be leaking energy, oil, energy we're using the analogy, um, that's lit truly depleting you.

Deborah 7:24

Right. And so I want to just ask our audience to ask yourself the question where do you where do you walk away feeling less like yourself? Where do you walk away without that fullness and that sureness and that um knowing that you're aligned with what is in your best interest? Um, you know, ask yourself, where do I, where am I giving more than I have to give? I had, oh, I can give you so many examples. Where am I holding back what needs to be said? Now, I there's often times where me holding back what needs to be said is self-care because I make the decision, you know, I don't want to get in an argument about this, it's not gonna serve anything, but at least having that thought and making that decision, that awareness of what's going to be in your best interest right now.

Saying No And Listening To Your Body

Deb 8:23

Right. That was a conscious thought you had. Right. That's super important.

Deborah 8:27

And then another one, where am I not honoring what I already know? Um, I I I have kind of an oil situation, right? With um um when you're talking about I've had somebody in my life who is just a delightful young person, a delightful young person. And she reminds me so much of my, well, I shouldn't say this, but of somebody I know. Oh, okay. Um, you know, she just keeps borrowing money from me. And you know, and I say, well, I have the money, I should, you know, I should borrow it. But minute, when I give her that money, it I'm not able to spend it on something that I enjoy. Like I may not be able to get ducked this week. I mean, I might have, you know, or something like that. But at some point, you know, and she wasn't paying me back. At some point, I have to say, you can't put or keep putting oil in this thing, you can't keep lending her money because if it's not going to come back to you, it's taking away from from from the budget of your family, and I have to create that ability or that capacity for me to say no. So she started building that up, and I started making the plan. Okay, this is the boundary that I'm setting. I'm not giving any more money, and this is how I'm gonna make it happen.

Deb 9:56

Well, that plan, that thinking it out, that figuring it, that is amazing. And that's what so many people don't do, or they wait till they get really angry and then they blurt it out. So to just take that time, that's amazing. Um that's good to hear. Um yeah, yeah, paying attention to that. So um, since you use that story, can you can you tell us like where in your body you were feeling it or what your body was doing? Did it tense up or pull away, or like what was happening for you to be, hang on a second, this is not working for me anymore.

Deborah 10:39

Yeah, um, you know, and it's so funny because I have some history about this kind of, and and just please let me reiterate, I love, love, love this person, love her, yeah, and you know, and so I can tell when she's starting to build up to to asking me, you know, and so you know, when when I was having conversations with her, I always felt like I was tightening up because I was waiting, I was waiting for it to come, right? And so then when she finally asked me, it was like an immediate tighten up, right? It's like here it is, here we are, here's the moment of truth, okay, Deborah. You know, you're either gonna stand by what you said, yeah, or you're gonna lose it. This is that moment, and I could feel it in my body, and you know, the minute I told her, you know what, I I just can't, you know, and and never mind what excuse I use for not, and it the excuse was kind of like I got things to pay for, you know, right now that I need that money for. And it I never lie, never lie, never create whatever. But the minute I let go of that and said, you know, I can't, my body, yeah, you know, my body's like, thank you, we can, we can, we can relax now, right?

Self-Care Versus Self-Love Choices

Deb 12:01

Yes, something I I've had a situation similar where someone asked for money, and it was so hard to say no, but the way that worked better for me was I said, okay, but I want to let you know this is the last time. So it was like a warning rather than just a I can't do it anymore in the moment, which uh I I I'm not really sure where that came from. I think I couldn't tell her no in that moment. And so it kind of just happened where I was like, okay, but we I can't do this anymore. But it however a person feels, I mean, every situation's different, every person is different. Um but but it you uh I guess that we're saying you have the right to choose no. And you have to give yourself the permission in order to do that. That is a form of self-care. That is a form of self-love. And it's like if self self-care can help you recover from the discomfort, and self-love helps you choose differently. So we we need to have both of those because we all know self-care isn't just the physical manny petty, out with the girls, massage. Self-care is also how you care for the inner part of you.

Deborah 13:29

So yeah, and when I see self-care, when I'm talking about self-care in this conversation, what I see is self-care is creating that capacity, creating the space. So I created that space in that in that conversation by saying, okay, let me breathe, let me breathe. This is what I so I created, took the time to rest, listen to myself when it's not a you know, fight or flight situation, when it's in the calm, in the you know, peace, I can sit there and say, This is how I'm going to respond, not react. And so that's what it is, is creating that space where you can uh recover and you can respond or plan your response rather than reacting.

When Giving Money Feels Like Peace

Deb 14:25

Absolutely, because isn't it incredibly draining to ignore what you know? Because you know it, we all know things, we know things, but we have a tendency, depending on familial, cultural, whatever, to ignore them or to make excuses for um, or to um do it anyway for whatever reason, and all the while not knowing we we don't want to do it, but we do it anyway. And so it's just taking a look at that, and then like you said, get into that space of calm rather than hoping it doesn't happen, and then it happens, and then we're in that space of fight or flight, so yeah, definitely being in that place.

Deborah 15:12

Go ahead, and then I have another situation around loaning money to somebody that again it's a different outcome. There is somebody in my life that um for reasons, for heart reasons, for sentimental value or whatever, whenever they ask me for money, I will give it to them. That's all it is. I I will give it to them. Um, I will not expect it's a gift. I will not expect repayment because, you know, and this is something that a lot of people do, you know, they say, he's built up points. He's built up, he has poured into my life in such a way when I needed the help, yes, and and and and poured into other people that mean something to me when they needed help that now I will not refuse him. And I know that. So when he comes, I don't have to feel that in my body, it's an automatic yes.

Deb 16:24

My daughter-in-law called it um, I forget how she called if she called it something, but she said it's like depositing money in a bank, and there's tons and tons of deposits, and then when they come and they say, I need something, it's like a withdrawal.

unknown 16:39

Yeah.

Deb 16:39

But you've got so much there that taking that little, whatever that amount is to give to that person, they've deposited that money. It's not like you just have it from somewhere else, like you got a lot of money. It's like that person gave and gave and gave, and they created their own wealth in your eyes, and now they're getting some of that back. And if you feel good about that and you can handle that and you can afford it, and that works for you, I that's awesome. It's like when it doesn't work, when you're challenged about it, when you're not addressing the actual problem. So let's say that maybe it's not a problem, it's an awareness.

Deborah 17:22

Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's it's just the um creating the space, creating the capacity to know before whether it's a problem or not. Right. So if mom says, can you come over and do my dishes for me, if I know ahead of time what my capacity is, and I can say, Yeah. If you're spending time every day knowing what your capacity is, sometimes it's knowing that I'm gonna have to push through. And at this point, I'm stopping. I am taking care of myself and creating space.

Deb 18:02

Yeah, absolutely. I think it, I mean, that's just such a wonderful way to live, isn't it? Yeah, like conscious living. I'm paying attention to what's going on inside of me and I'm making my decisions based on that. And I don't know, for some reason the word selfish comes up, but in reality, it's like the least selfish thing. It's so smart because again, that leaking thing that we're talking about, there comes a point where there's no more oil to put in and it all has drained out, and then your car don't work. Like it just doesn't go. It just doesn't go, right? So it's like we have to, it's like it is the most beneficial thing for everyone involved if we're paying attention, you know.

Restrictive Versus Expansive Energy Clues

Deborah 18:49

And while we're talking about that, what I would love to know is, you know, we're talking about the analogy of the oil.

Deb 18:57

Yeah, I'm not sure how that happened.

Deborah 19:00

Yeah, I know. How did we get to cars? But anyway, it was it, it was just a real clear way to look at it. But Debbie, what would you say are some, you know, some hidden energy leaks? Some with some of the things that, you know, I guess I want our audience to have some examples so that they can um recognize it when it's happening. Sure.

Small Steps Plus Coaching And Community

Deb 19:25

Um, I I you know what I want to say rather than a specific thing. I want to say when you feel restrictive rather than expansive. To me, that is probably the biggest indicator that there's just, you know, if we're paying attention to how we feel, if we feel like drawing back from it, you know, we talked about it earlier, like saying yes when you want to say no. It's like somebody's asking you to do something, and it's like you're feeling compelled to say yes, but you don't want to. And it's like paying attention to that feeling to me is more important than like what what the story is, what the thing is they want to do, right? Um if if you're avoiding a conversation, like you're you see that person, you're like, oh no, I might take a left turn real quick and get out of here, right? Like, I don't want to have that. I'm can feel my body not being expansive. I'm not walking toward that. I'm walking away from that, right? Um, if I feel the need, like in business, like to put more hours in or to do to take it home to make it prettier or whatever, because I I feel the need to prove my value. It's like there may be something inside saying, yes, I I want to prove my value, but in reality, that's uh that is a like nervous system um characteristic. And we really have to look at that because underneath that, the question would be why? You're already valuable, you're already giving. Why do you need to prove your value? So there's something going on underneath that that really um needed to take a better look. I I worked with somebody that did all kinds of the things to lose weight, and I worked with uh several people that wanted to do all kinds of the things to stop being a hoarder. And I said, stop counting calories, stop worrying about cleaning it up. Oh, I gotta get this clean. That was like I I have to give things away. That was over and over and over and over again. But those are symptoms, right? Those are symptoms of a deeper problem. So you can work on symptoms, but that's so surfacey that whatever the underneath part is is gonna come back. Right. And so for me, it's working on that underneath part and helping people to find what that is and getting connection with that thing. Okay, now that's like um the surfacey thing would be pouring the oil in, but the deeper thing would be getting the actual repair done. And then you're not you. So it's an interesting thing getting the I don't know I guess the oil pan is the the the the analogy of the day or of this episode but but getting that oil pan repaired correctly you know really getting it done by a professional and having it done your life changes. The stressors slow down, you know, all all the the intensity, the overthinking, like, oh, I'm going, going, going. Do I need to stop and get oil? You know, it's like you don't have to do all that extra stuff because the underneath part has settled down. And when that happens, um, it takes work. There's no doubt about it. It takes work, but oh my God, it is work that is worth it. And it stays with you for the rest of your life. You know, you don't go back to the way it was. You've evolved. And by evolving, it is all these moments and points in time that m help you move to this new space and shift over. It's not a um, I dream a genie blink or a you know, bewitched twinkle twinkle on your nose. It is uh it is step by step, it's these tiny little steps that bring you forward that that's how change is made.

Deborah 23:34

Right. But and and and you know, and and that is you know kind of a self-loving thing, right? Absolutely. And and the thing that I really and and you were talking about doing it in little eitty beady tiny steps, you know, you don't come out and you know, you you go on a diet for one day and then all of a sudden you're a hundred pounds less, right? So just needing to take the time to have the capacity to look at that thing, yeah. Have the capacity to see what actually works for you because while you're in there saying, I need to, I need to clean this up, I need to clean this up, I need to clean this up, but you never take the time to do it. It never gets cleaned up.

Deb 24:22

I know, I know that's one of those things. Um, a mentor of mine, Jack Russell, says, Um, how does a mouse eat an apple? And I remember like, what does that have to do with anything? But if the apple's the issue and the mouse eats one bite at a time, because how does a mouse eat an apple? One bite at a time, that's us taking the one small step at a time. It it and and now I get it and I see it everywhere, and I'm like, there's that mouse eating that apple again, you know, like it's just very um obvious to me because I watch people, the the people that I'm coaching, it's like I watch them come in upset, frustrated. And and these are coaches that have clients, and you know, and you think, well, if you're a coach and you got a client, you're figured it out, right? Like, but no, that's not necessarily true because we don't see the unconscious parts of ourselves. And that's why we need an other the other set of eyes, whether it's a group or the individual thing, we need somebody else to help us see because it's so automatic within us, we don't even realize it. Right, it's just the thing that we do. So we take one little step at a time.

Deborah 25:41

And really, Debbie, yeah, absolutely. And and and you know, and you will hear me over and over advocate the importance of community, yes, the very importance of community, because that community can allow you to have the space to think about those things, to bring those things into your awareness. That community can help you create space, yeah.

Deb 26:06

Um, and you see other people doing things, you hear what they you know, note you're like, oh my god, that's just like me, right? It's like all of a sudden you can recognize yourself in other people, right? Right, right.

You’re Not Weak For Needing Support

Deborah 26:16

And and and that is just so affirming, it's so supporting, so nourishing. Um, yeah, I love that. Yeah. So I think this is a good place. So, what I what Debbie, what I hope that women here in this conversation is that they're not weak because they need support. We're not weak because we need support, we're not weak because we feel like we are overextended. We're not failing because what we're carrying isn't sustainable anymore. And even recognizing that it's not sustainable is huge. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to tell the truth about what is draining us, honor our needs, and stop pretending that chronic overextension is normal. I really want us to think about that and to just take some time in your life to say, where is that happening for me? Is that happening for me? I'm not going to assume that that is happening in all of our lives, but I think for most of it is. And um, and just think, take the time to think about it. I would just love to hear. Um, we would love to hear, and just put the comments in the comments what what's going on for you. What's going on for you? Yeah, absolutely. We love to hear from you guys. And as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shero in you.

Deb 27:59

Bye, everybody. Bye.