059 – When Success Stops Feeling Like Success

What happens when you finally reach the goals you once prayed for… but something inside still feels empty?

In this honest and deeply relatable conversation, Debbie Pearson and Deborah Edwards explore the hidden emotional cost many high-capacity women quietly carry behind success. From achievement and responsibility to loneliness, pressure, and the need for deeper connection, this episode speaks to the women who are exhausted from always being the strong one.

Together, they unpack:

• why success can still feel emotionally unfulfilling
• how women become valued for what they provide instead of who they are
• the loneliness many successful women experience behind the scenes
• why community, support, and emotional safety matter more than ever
• how to redefine success in a way that actually supports your life

This episode is a reminder that you are not weak for wanting support, connection, rest, or a softer place to land.

Success is not only what we build around us.
 It is also what we build within us.

✨ Deborah’s Heart Connection Community:
 Substack Membership Community for Women
Deborah is offering a one year subscription

✨ Debbie’s Practice Lab (renamed: Steady Leader Lab™):
 Steady Leader Lab 
Debbie offers 50% off of the first month for new members.

#successfulbutunhappy 
#womenandlonliness
#womensupportingwomen
#intentionalcommunity
#redefiningsuccess
#emotionalfulfillment
#womenempowerment

Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.

#womenempoweringwomen
#youmatter
#makeadifference

---CONNECT with Shero Cafe---
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---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
Let's Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.edwards.372
Self Care Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/624202641785785
Website: https://gratefulom.life/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahedwards-selfcarecoach/

---CONNECT with Debbie Pearson---
Website: https://www.debbiepearson.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DebbiePearsonCoaching
Substack:  https://debbiepearsoncoaching.substack.com
Email: deb@debbiepearson.com 

Transcript

Deb 0:18

Well, welcome back, Sheros. You know, sometimes life can look really full on the outside and feel strangely empty on the inside. And I think a lot of people quietly carry that

When Success Feels Surprisingly Empty

Deb 0:33

because from the outside, everything might look pretty good. And maybe it's hard to admit that we don't have it all together. Or maybe you worked really hard to build a life that finally feels stable and safe. You've handled responsibilities, built your career, grew your business, reached goals that you at one point in time had prayed for. And yet there are still moments where something inside whispers, why doesn't this feel the way I thought it would? I should feel happy. I should feel fulfilled. I work so hard for this life. Well, today we want to answer, we want to talk, sorry, we want to talk honestly about that experience about success. What does it give us and what does it ask from us? And what happens when your outer life grows faster than your inner support system?

Deborah 1:29

Yeah, Debbie, this is such an important topic. I love this, you know, and sometimes, you know, success stops feeling like success because it was built around what we could achieve, what we could carry or prove, but not around what truly sustains us. A woman can have a beautiful home and still feel lonely in it. She can have a strong bank account and still feel emotionally undernourished, unseen. She can be respected at work and feel unseen in real life. She can be safe, stable, and accomplished, yet still feel disconnected from purpose, joy, community, and herself. And this is one of the things that I experienced, and that was pivotal in my um career when I was thinking about this. I, you know, came to a realization, why am I killing myself? And I mean physically, mentally, all of those ways, you know, that we know about, right, Debbie? And why am I killing myself to prove that I'm worthy when I know that I am worthy? So when we're feeling this way, when we're feeling like, ah, this doesn't feel successful, this doesn't feel like what I thought it would feel. I don't feel like my life is what I want it to be. This is not failure. Hear me again. This is not failure. This is information. This is information that gives us a way to move forward.

Deb 3:10

I kind of had that same thing happen to me very differently. Um, I was sitting at my desk one time, uh, kind of reached the height of my career. And it was like I I wanted the

Achievement Without Inner Support

Deb 3:24

success, so I pursued it. Um I wanted, I don't know, maybe some sort of freedom, but I accidentally built a life of no purpose. And I remember literally saying those words. I'm like, I have no purpose, I have no purpose. And that led to a bunch of other things, but that was a very pivotal moment in my life as well. So I think that uh the system of being human, especially in the United States, um, women become valued for what they provide. Um, if we're the the helper or the leader, the caregiver, the fixer, the whatever. Um, it it's like there's value because we have some sort of strange title that goes with it, so that people can go, oh, I need a fixer, I'll call Deb, or uh, I need a helper or a leader, I'll call Deb. You know, they there's something they want, and it's like it, I we're identified by the, I don't know about services, but something that we can provide. And if if we don't provide that, we feel guilty. Um, we also feel guilty because we need help or we need to reach out to this other person.

Deborah 4:43

Um when you're saying that, sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but when you're saying that, the other thing that I think of too is that when you cannot provide those things, when you um, you know, when you're not necessarily the one that fixes everything, that has all the answers that will push until you know you can't push any further, when you're not that person, you're not seen as valued in our society, right? And so if you are looking, you know, we as women are are actually raised from the time that we were little bumblebees when we were little babies, we were we were um taught that we look outside of ourselves for our value. And what the disconnect is that we're feeling now is at some point you recognize, oh wait, what about me? And so now you're gonna you're gonna you're you're going to have an understanding that this outside um validation is not enough anymore. It's not serving you, it's not bringing the life that you want, it's not bringing the love that you want, it's not bringing the satisfaction and the the connection with purpose and community that you want, right?

Deb 6:11

Um, this is very true. You know, like uh just to kind of bring it full circle. It's like if you are the person that's the helper, the fixer, the the one who's gonna bake the cake or or whatever, and you've done that for a long time, and then all of a sudden you're like either you can't or you choose not to, God forbid, um, things shift and change. And it's you know, that's like um you you're not seen as valuable because you're not providing that service. Now, maybe

Women Valued For What They Provide

Deb 6:43

not as valuable to that person who needs or wants you to provide that service, but uh then sometimes we feel guilty um if we decide we are not gonna do it, it takes us a while to get to the point where we're going, that's just gonna have to be okay. They're gonna have to not like me. You know, it's like being the strong one and being told you you're so strong, um, you're so brave, you're so whatever. You know, it's like, you know, there's a part of us, at least I know a lot of us, that say, I don't actually want to be that strong every minute of the day. I don't want to be that brave all the time. Like, who designated me as that person? And somehow I I think it's a joint venture. Like it's like we want to be appreciated and connected to our group of people. Um, so we step into a role, and then other people are appreciating that we stepped into that role. But we we we have to like balance how much we step into that role so that we are still in connection.

Deborah 7:58

You know, and one of the one of the things that, you know, we learned, you know, way back when in college is the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Yes. You know, and um I really, really connected with that,

Maslow’s Needs And Why We Stall

Deborah 8:13

with that visual, with that, with that um, uh, you know, what do I call it?

Deb 8:17

Uh infographic?

Deborah 8:21

Yeah, infographic for life, right? The pyramid or whatever, you know, where we start, you know, the basic needs started food, shelter, income, transportation, and some level of stability. The one that I always laughed at when I was younger was sex, you know, but I but you know, that's part of it. And so, you know, when we start rising up where we're getting these things fixed, then we have the availability um to desire more, like love and belonging. You know, do we want to we want to feel connected? We want to have a community, um, we want to have people that treat us, you know, not just as the ones that provide everything, but as a complete version of yourself, you know, you want to be seen, you want to be heard, and uh you want to be valued for who you truly are, not just what you can do.

Deb 9:18

So, talking about the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, uh do you want to like go over that again? Because I I love the uh they're I'm calling them building blocks, yeah, right? It's got like five sections or something, and that bottom one, I would think everybody in our audience has figured out, right? And that would be what food, shelter, water, warmth, place to stay. Right. What is that next one?

Deborah 9:49

So that's physical needs, right? Yeah, the physical needs, and then there's safety and security. Physical needs, the next safety safety and security, the next one is love and belonging, the next one is esteem, and then the highest one is self-actualization.

Deb 10:09

Oh, okay.

Deborah 10:10

So what I'm finding, go ahead.

Deb 10:12

Oh, well, I was just went through them kind of fast. I'm still trying to um process them. So the physical safety got that. I mean, the physical needs got those, and then the next one you said is um safety and security. Yeah. So that's like having a place to live, feeling secure financially, I guess you're gonna eat and all that kind of stuff. Right, right. And the next one was what I know them, but I don't know them. So I'm just asking you to see.

Deborah 10:42

I know, and I'm just these are not necessarily, you know, I'm I'm just saying these are what I'm remembering from them, right? Oh, okay. Because I didn't go look it up or whatever. I'm just trying to go for my memory. So the next one I believe is esteem, you know, where do I feel valued? Yeah, the fourth one. So there's food, shelter.

Deb 11:07

That's the physical needs, then there's the safety and security, esteem. There's something, and then esteem, and then uh self-actualization. It's okay.

Deborah 11:18

Love and belonging is the one that you're but esteem is below that. Love and belonging is above that. Oh, okay. I gotta love and belonging, esteem and then self-actualization.

Deb 11:32

Okay, that is what I heard. And okay, all right. Um, so love and belonging. Okay, love and belonging. I think there's a lot of people stuck there. Um, love and belonging, like that to me sounds like um deeper connections. Um, you know, we we have a lot of surface level friendships, but do we have that deeper connection? We have role-based relationships, but do we have just acceptance? Right? Um we do networking, but are we really connecting or is it more transactional?

unknown 12:11

Right.

Deborah 12:12

Right. So I feel like um, you know, when you when you get to the point where you are, you know, feeling that you're not necessarily valued for who you are, but only for what you can provide, then that stops you. That stops you. That that you get to a certain point and you're not able to move past that into um self-actualization.

Deb 12:41

Well, it's it's it's vulnerable having a conversation with someone you don't feel safe with. I think women are starving, if you will, for true connection.

Real Connection And Feeling Safe

Deborah 12:56

Right.

Deb 12:56

And what is true connection? Like, we'll talk about that um in a little bit. But it's like we can know things about a person, uh their the colors they like, uh, where they like to go on vacation, what their coffee order is, right? But still not really know anything about them. Um so how do we get to know people better? How do we know when it's safe? And if we look at what women, I think a lot of women actually need right now, is they're looking for hope. They're looking for direction without sounding or or feeling like needy or that they don't have it all together because again, that's vulnerable, right?

Deborah 13:53

Yeah, you know, and I don't think that's the question, though. What's the question then? I think the question is for women to take the space and the time and to have the place where they can ask themselves what they need. Ah, okay. Because I think that, you know, when we're looking at Maslow's, they spent so much time um making sure that they were able to carry more, to be the one with all the answers, to do all of this, to do all of that, to be, you know, to get you know a perfect um score on the SATs, all of that stuff, you know, they've been spending so much time um carrying for everyone else, they've ex they've ignored themselves and they haven't been able to carry for themselves. Once you know it, once you know what works for you, you're safe wherever you are. Because then you can say, no, no, no, no, yes. Okay, come on closer. You go further away, right? You know, and you can see, and you know, and this is one of the reasons why I am so so um attached to building community because intentional community, huh? Intentional community, intentional community, yes, because then you can see the people that are aligned with your values, that are gonna give reciprocal support, yep, that are going to um have an awareness of where you are, honestly, and and that's gonna give you the space to find those things for yourself. Um, you know, but if you're always looking outside to say, are you safe, are you safe, are you safe, you never know. You know that the the most dangerous person in the room looks like the most safe person in the room, you know. So I think that you knowing inside yourself very clear, very intentional, what you want, you're gonna be able to recognize it easier.

Deb 16:09

Yeah, you know, we have intentional intentionally uh chosen not to promote our businesses that much because we don't want the podcast to be um, you know, buy my product

Building Community That Sustains You

Deb 16:24

or sales-y.

Deborah 16:25

Yeah.

Deb 16:26

But right now, what you're talking about, I I can't help but say I think it's important for people to know what you do and what I do because we do similar things but very different things. So would you be willing to share some of what you do? You first. Okay. So I recently put together something called the Practice Lab because I feel like the women that we're talking to are pretty intelligent. They know a lot, they've done inner work, they've got trainings and certifications out the wazoo, um, done the typical, read the book, been to the, you know, got the t-shirt, all the stuff. And it's like there's still something missing. There's still this component that still seems to rattle us. And if they're like me, um, have spent decades trying to find, quote, the thing. And in my 30 plus years of research, I've come to realize that that there's uh there's we we we become very uh I'll say comfortable and confident in what we can do until there's a certain amount of stress or pressure, and then we get triggered, something happens, and our behavior changes, right? So I say pressure hits, emotions get activated, behavior changes. Now we're familiar with that pattern, and what often happens is we go to find a modality that that helps bring us back, talks us down, brings us to like equilibrium, balance, calm. And we're like, oh thank God, I feel normal again. And then we keep going through life, and then bam, that thing happens again. But that thing, especially for people that are in business, is often something like um visibility. I do great in my business until I have to be seen. Then I'm terrified. I'm scared to death to get on stage. I don't want to create that video. Um, I judge myself, there's all of that. Or I want to go in a particular uh direction in my business, but uh it creates some level of stress or tension. And so we buy a course to take. How many of us have bought courses and are still sitting on uh uh my desktop waiting to be opened? How many can I name? How many thousands of dollars have I spent doing that? And and and something stops me there as well. Now, I I've come through this process that has brought me to a place where I realize we can know something and not be able to do it. We can know that we want to raise our prices, but not be able to do it. We can know we want to take our business somewhere and not be able to do it. So, what the practice lab does is like threefold. One is we learn a little bit of uh an inner growth. So we learn something. A what? Inner what? Inner growth, right? There's something inside of us, right? So um then we practice that. Then we do a little activity and that just helps solidify it. And that's the more personal aspect of it because it's those personal patterns of protection we bring with us that create a problem. Those problems that we have interfere with our business growth because it stops us, right? We get stuck. A lot of people say, God, I just feel stuck. My brain freezes. I don't know what happens, but I just like ah, it's just so frustrating.

Deborah 20:14

Yeah.

Deb 20:14

So that's the morning. In the afternoon, we do something that I call um uh leadership IRL for leadership in real life,

Practice Lab And Heart Connection Offers

Deb 20:22

and we talk about the problems in our leadership, whether it's our coach or a team lead or whatever. And how do I apply these new practices uh to my business? Because if this pattern of protection is was created a long time ago, but it's affecting my business, I don't want it to affect my business. I don't like getting stuck, I don't like overthinking, I don't like second guessing. Like, how do I change that? Yeah, that's what the practice lab is about, because more often than not, we learn things and then we go on in our business, but we don't practice them. Right. So our system is I'll say due for an overhaul or due for an upgrade. And the way I like to explain it is if you have an electronic device and you buy the newest app that you're just so excited, you put it on your device. But if you have an older operating system, your device may not be able to handle it. It doesn't mean that it won't work, but it might be slower or it might not, you know, get all the features and blah, blah, blah, right? It's got these things. So um, in the practice lab, what we're doing is we're upgrading our operating system, so to speak, because and that way every new app we get is going to be fully functional. It is a way for us to just be, it's this underlying thread. And I know I'm going on and on about it, but I am so excited about being able to offer this because I know what we what I call the patterns of protection. They cost us.

Deborah 22:07

Yeah.

Deb 22:08

They cost us our time, they cost us our energy, and they cost us money. They we leave money on the table because we miss opportunities out of fear. I mean there's just there's there's so much to it, but the the simple bottom line is we practice. We practice till we go through the the first three I told you, which was um pressure hits, emotions activate, behavior changes, but then we practice steadiness so we get stable results.

Deborah 22:44

Okay.

Deb 22:44

That grows our business. So I will include the practice lab in the description, the link to it, and anybody wants to go look at it, they can. So I went first.

Deborah 22:57

Well then expect it's only an hour show, so I'll make it quick. So I'm excited in this new. I know it is it is so so wonderful when you uh you know when you hit on something that it just feels so important, so so relevant to you, and and that's where I am. You know that area in that we were talking about in the Maslaus Triangle, where it is um love and belonging and feeling connected, and I feel like that is really, really super important. I remember in my um uh career, um, I was I was a manager I at the at the end of my career at a Fortune 100 company, I would maybe say Fortune 550 company, I was managing four departments and it was affecting my health, my wellness, my mental health. I said that earlier. But what I know from that is I was alone, I was not in community. But you know, when you think about one of the things about being a high responsibility woman or a highly effective woman or someone who holds a lot, is sometimes you're standing by yourself because for a lot of different reasons. People are jealous of you, people are wanting to work against your uh work against your um success for whatever reason. You do not have a place to go, you do not have a safe place to land. You can't talk to your co-workers about um what's going on with you, really anything, because they're in competition and they're gonna use that against you, or somehow it's going to make you seem weaker. But I know, like when I was talking about self-care practices and mindfulness practices and and different things that allow us to create to strengthen ourselves within, so we have the ability to respond to what that situation is in the workplace or in your whatever organization or wherever you're carrying the weight. This is a uh I've created this community called the Heart Connection Community that provides you tools, that provides you community, it provides reflections. It is a way for you to just stop and take the time in a safe place, in a curated place, and allow you to look inside, you know, instead of looking outside. I remember, and I said this earlier, I think, uh, one of the things that I was a pivotal point for me that made me move away from that is because I found that I was spending too much time trying to prove myself and trying to prove that I was worthy and trying to prove that I can, I don't care what it is, if it's a challenge, I can meet it and I can exceed it. And you know, out at any cost I was. And so what the Heart Connection community is that I am currently building, and I will include the information um to the community. Um, and actually, I don't want to sound salesy, but I also want to say that right now I am offering free um free one-year subscriptions to the community for um a limited time, and um because I want us to get in there, I want us to build this community together. But anyway, I digress.

Deb 26:47

So this that's a great plug because that's amazing to have um, I mean, I offer half price on monthline and you're offering the year. Um, so just out of to clarify, is it a full year or is it till the end of the year?

Deborah 27:05

Nope, it's a full year. Wow. So if you sign up for it today, then you have a free membership. 365 days. Yeah. And the reason why I'm doing that is because uh it first of all, it's it's my heart, it's my purpose, it's my dharma. I really feel that this is what we as women need to carry ourselves. You know, we're carrying everything else, and um, and I want to to provide that space, and we can decide what that is, right? And so what I want in this community, the purpose of this community is we have this place, just like you have the place where you can practice, right? We have a place where we can we can get the answers to that question that lies within us, that's a safe place, and then that allows us to move to that next rung of the um Maslow's uh triangle of self-actualization. Yeah, you're doing more tools, you know, moving those tools, and I it's just similar.

Deb 28:13

The quest activities are are are digging deep inside to answer the questions for yourself. And I I love that because that's the self-actualization, that's happening. And I think we don't realize that it's actually happening, it's just it's so slow because it's just low, it's I call it piecemeal. There's like one little dot, one little dot, one little dot that connects. And when you get enough of those dots, yes, it's starting to form a line. But the way that you do it and the way that I do it, it's like here's a pen and a ruler. Let's do a line. It's not that fast, but it you move a whole lot faster because it's a process that we've already figured out. So you're not going one place, getting a little bit of something, going somewhere else, getting another little bit of something, dot, dot, dot. It's like, you know what it reminds me of? Do you remember a lot? They probably still have them. It's connect the dot, right? It's like a partial picture on a page, but you got to like connect all these dots before you can figure it out. To me, people have been collecting the dots. And what we do is help them draw the line to figure out what the image is. And of course, the image is, I call it the North North Star. What is it that you want? Where do you want to be? Right? Who do you want to be? So um, yeah, it's very exciting. I'm really excited about the lab and I'm really excited about the heart connection, your your baby. And um, they just have a lot to offer. So I don't want to sell it, but I did want to say people can check it out because we're just we're easy to be with and um we want to help. We are literally that's like my goal, one of my uh big passions in life is to present in a way that helps another person figure things out.

Deborah 30:06

Right, right.

Deb 30:07

And uh, but anyway, so let's just let's go ahead and wrap this up and talk about um how how can a successful or fairly successful woman feel successful um

Redefining Success With Self Love

Deb 30:24

or have a success that feels supportive instead of like a person can be successful in their bank account, but they may be again empty inside. They can be successful on the outside, but lacking so much of connection to themselves and to others. So you know, I'm looking to share like what does success include, you know?

Deborah 30:49

Yeah, the thing that that for me, I think that the the the ideal thing for us as women, especially, is redefining what success is. Yes, so you know, outside here we have success is money. My family walks out the door and stuff, you know, everyone with clean shirts, clean pants, clean whatever, clean dresses. I have enough money in my bank account, my husband is successful, whatever that is, redefining that the word success to including self-care and self-love, getting our basic needs met.

Deb 31:28

Um, you know, big what they are, and that you're not weak for needing and wanting support, like that that personal interaction and connection with other people.

Deborah 31:40

Right.

Deb 31:40

That's not like you said, that's not failure, that's information. Right. So what do you need? What do listener? What do you need? Do you need support? Do you need a place, a soft place to land? Do you need a safe space to be able to? I'm not talking about dumping, but about being vulnerable and sharing what's going on in your life. Because you don't need to do this alone. There are so many of us out there that want to connect in that same way. Right. Yeah. So yeah, so the offer is there of how to connect. Have you dug deep enough to figure out what is it that you want? And if not, what is it that you would like to do to begin figuring that out?

Deborah 32:31

Right. And you know, and and and you say what can you do? You know, um, you know, although this this this uh podcast is not for us to sell what we do in our businesses, one of the things that you can do, whether it's with me or with Debbie or with anybody else, is to find a place where you can just land, ask yourself these questions, um, create the community that you want just intentionally. Um, just take the time to um to think about it and find those places for yourself and identify those areas where um where you're valuing yourself, you're learning to advocate for yourself, you're learning to validate yourself.

Deb 33:25

There, it's like being able to know what you want versus what you think you're supposed to want or what other people want you to want, that's where freedom lives.

Deborah 33:37

Yeah, and yeah, that's absolute freedom, and being in just like well, I won't go there. I was gonna just use my relationship as my as an example, you know, being in a relationship or being in a community where you feel valued, will you feel supported, where you feel like your not only your basic needs are met, but your internal needs are being met. Your self-eyed. And you know, if you can't, you know, it's like if you can't find the golf course, you know, find it somewhere. Just look around and see, you know, and if there may be a group that you grow in, oh, that looks like a good group that I, you know, that I like. Just walk toward it. Take one step toward it, one baby step, you know.

Deb 34:27

What is this about the golf course?

Deborah 34:29

It was something in a conversation that I had with somebody else. It's not really relevant right now.

Deb 34:36

You brought it up!

Deborah 34:37

I know, I did. Yeah, I did, you know, but you know, some people they're only gonna be comfortable with somebody that plays golf. Yeah, okay. They're only gonna be able to feel um, and and you know, and I and this is for men and women, they're only gonna be able to feel like they can be safe in a situation with somebody that has these um qualities or somebody that plays golf. Men expose themselves on the golf course more than they do anywhere else.

Deb 35:09

That's what I'm saying. Okay. Yeah. Uh, and if that's the best they can do, maybe that's the best they can do until they learn something else. And so I think women look for ways to um uh become more vulnerable, even though they may not realize that that's the actual word, because we think of vulnerability as a weakness. But uh that doesn't mean uh sharing everything on uh social media. You know, it does mean allowing ourselves to be soft enough to accept that you know we don't have to be tough and have it all together and and be performing. Uh that's a big word, performing. Um, but we want to pause a little bit, slow down, look inside, and actually make some decisions for our own life.

Deborah 36:03

Yeah. And really, pretty much as a as a closing thought, you know, when you think about it, um, you know, I said earlier redefined success. And if we could only define success as not only what we build around us, but it's also what we build within us. So shovel gifts, beautiful. Yeah, no, that's beautiful, you know, and and really because what we're building should not only protect us, impress others, and or prove what we can do, it should support us and feeling connected, love, purposeful, fully alive, all of those things that make life worth living. Yes, you know, and so I don't know what's your closing thought. That's kind of my closing thought.

Deb 36:52

I I love it. I don't need one. I think that that's perfect to just end there because it is what we build inside of us. It it just is. So it's not just what we build what we build around us, and it's not the physical stuff. Success is not the physical. Sometimes we see that, but it's really I think the the freedom, the peace, the love, the connection that comes from within.

Deborah 37:21

Absolutely. Absolutely. All right, so our time today is up. Thank you for joining us here at the Shiro Cafe, and as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shiro in you. Bye, bye, everybody.